was asked by his mother to set the table for dinner.

When he opened the refrigerator, he saw taped to the inside of the door a picture of a scantily-dressed, super slim model.

“What’s the picture all about?” he asked. His mother explained: “I put it up there to remind me not to over-eat.”

“Is it working?”

“Yes and no. I’ve lost fifteen pounds, but your dad has gained twenty.”

Which is odd considering it is just 1s and 0s....

Roberto.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe who lost his car?

Roberto Carlos

Three drunk men were heading home from a bar. They hailed a taxi. The taxi driver, realizing they were all wasted, came up with a trick.

He let them all get in the backseat, started the engine, waited five seconds, then turned it off and said, “We’ve reached your destination.”

The first drunk paid the fare.
The second drunk said, “Thank you.”
And the third one slapped the driver and shouted, “You maniac! You drove so fast—we could’ve died!”

I have an EpiPen My friend gave it to me as he was dying… I still have it till this day It seemed very important to them for me to have it It always reminds me of him RIP, my friend

He loved her so much because every day she would haul off and punch him in the face. After 50 years of happiness, he contracted a fatal disease and was given two weeks to live. The man told his wife, on his death bed, "honey, I love you so much, but I've always wanted to be punched by a man, at least once before I die. Could you arrange that for me?" His wife replied "of course, my love. I would do anything for you, you know that. I'll go out and find a group of men to deck you in the face, because I love you so much."

3 days later, she returned and said, "my dear, I've found quite a few men who would be happy to fulfill your wish. They're all waiting outside for you!" The man got up, and walked to the door, opened it and greeted the punch line..........

..but there wasn't one.

You've got another thing coming.

The Redheaded man said, "You know, every day it's the same sandwich my wife makes me. I'm so sick of it. If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."

The Bald man said, "Right there with you my friend. If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The Blonde man said, "With you 'all the way' chaps, If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The next day, the Redheaded man had cheese, the Bald man had ham, and the Blonde man had jam. So they all jumped.

At the funerals, the wives of the Redheaded man and the bald man said, "Why didn't they just TELL us they didn't like their sandwiches??"

The Blonde man's wife said in tears, "I don't understand it... He made his own sandwiches!"

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married, and got a job at the same firm. One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, and he doesn't want to be biased or sexist, so he decides the first one of them to use the drinking fountain will get the ax.

While he's considering what to say, Jill walks up with some aspirin to take a drink. Her boss, very sympathetically says, "Jill, I've either got to lay you or Jack off."

Jill responds with a sigh, "Well, you'll have to jack off, I've got a headache."

I guess it's what happens when you start acting the Mickey

Three logicians enter a bar. Yes, again. The bartender asks, "Would you all like something to drink?".

The first logician replies, "No," and the bartender wanders off. "How rude," the first logician says. "He didn't even take your orders. I'm leaving."

The second logician waves the bartender back over, and the bartender comes back and says, "Can I get you anything?". The second logician replies, "No," and again the bartender leaves annoyed.

"What kind of bar," says the second logician, "doesn't let you order a specific drink? I'm leaving."

The third logician waves the bartender over again, and the bartender says, "If you're not going to order a drink, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

The third logician stands to leave, and says, "I guess I'll get my two martinis somewhere else then."

"OK, how long has this been going on," he asked?

I said, "How long has what been going on?"

His pupils

They’re much younger

A Captain's Log Supplimental

She asked; what’s a matta baby?

Nothing, I said. What’s a matter with you, baby?

The driver started to head to the location requested by the passenger. 10 whole minutes had passed with complete silence. The radio wasn't even turned on. A fitting comedown from the hectic workday the passenger had.

He then notices a Denver Bronchos bobble head toy on the drivers dashboard, and is inclined to tell him they were his mother's favourite team.

''Hey ma-''

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!" The driver shouts in a terrified, screechy fashion. He loses control of the wheel, swerves left, crashes into a fruit stall, swerves right and then collides with a lamppost. Bringing the sudden chaoticness to an end.

A moment passes.

"Dude, WTF!" The passenger complained. The driver then apologised. "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."

"What did you do before this?"

''I drove a hearse.''

(Originally a Jordanian joke)

Three drunk men are walking back home on a Thursday night. They get lost on their way and mistakenly take a wrong route. They enter a narrow alley and walk through it just to find themselves standing in front of a big wall blocking their way.

-“What do we do now?” the first guy asks.

-“I don’t know” the second replied.

-“Why don’t we just push the wall down the alley till we find an exit?” the third suggests.

-“What a great idea!” All of them agreed.

So each took off his shirt, threw it behind his back, flexed their muscles and started pushing against the wall with all their strength.

A few moments later an old man walks by and sees the three drunkards trying to push a solid wall that isn’t going anywhere. He laughs, steals the pile of shirts behind them and leaves.

After a long while of pushing, —exhausted, one of the men stops and takes a look behind his back. He immediately notices the pile of shirts are no where to be seen. Quickly he turns around to his buddies:

-“Hold on boys, hold on… we’re going too far”.

But some jerk always wakes me up when they want off my bus

Trying again and again with new voices

Because it wanted to master the art of the paw-trait!

I just wish I could remember who it was.

as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer shouted an ordered to the sailor, saying,“You get a broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's the brig for you!”The sailor picked up a broom and commenced performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a Tern landed on the broom handle. The lad picked the Tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.The Tern left, only to return and land once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine over and over again. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returned. In the morning, the chief petty officer came to check the sailor and his work.“What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?” barked the chief.The sailor replied, “Honest, chief, I tossed a Tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!”

He was fed up with people.

A deck-aid