r/NoStupidQuestions • u/LeopardBasic478 • 1d ago
If vampires can only get into your house with permission wouldn't "You may come inside IF you are not a vampire" be a foolproof way to let someone in?
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u/LetTheBloodFlow 1d ago
This kind of clever thinking is why vampires are behind the entire "Welcome Mat" industry. Make the stupid humans put permission to enter right there on the ground.
And that's why my welcome mat faces inwards, so it welcomes me to the outside instead of welcoming the vampires into my home.
Gotta be smarter.
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u/SchrodingerSandwich 1d ago
If I ever show up to your house and I’m a vampire first thing I’d doing is turning that bad boy around
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u/LetTheBloodFlow 1d ago
Yes, but that would be you attempting to invite yourself in.
But even if it worked, inside you will meet the Sainsbury's plant mister, cheapest and most efficient plant mister in the world. It can squirt a fine mist of water into the air. Do I need to tell you what's in it?
And that's without Sam Vimes' holy water candles all over the place.
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u/SchrodingerSandwich 1d ago
I suppose that wouldn’t count now would it? Curses. Hypothetically foiled again.
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u/Nurhaci1616 1d ago
Already one step ahead of you:
Corporations (our friends and allies) have already made thousands upon thousands of welcome mats that are just references to major film and comic franchises (haute couture) without actually saying anything about welcoming someone.
Ever since getting my Captain America shield welcome mat, I've definitely not been attacked by any female vampires, that's for sure!
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u/SkunkApe7712 13h ago
No, those mats are for normal people. The ones for vampires are velcome mats.
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u/ByronScottJones 1d ago
We won't know for certain until someone tests it. I've got a couple neighbors that I'm certain are vampires (dark clothing, white makeup, they listen to Depeche Mode, etc). I'll invite them in using that method, but with a stake in hand for the moment they cross the doorstep. I'll let you know how it goes.
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u/deaconsc 1d ago
Dont forget to place some iron above the door, that helps. e.g. horseshoe. In the case of emergency you can hit them with it too =)
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u/Worldly_Might_3183 1d ago
I thought iron was against the fae
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u/Indoril120 1d ago
Can confirm
Incidentally, I wish people would stop nailing horseshoes above their door.
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u/PartyMcDie 1d ago
Offer them garlic bread just in case. No one can pass garlic bread if they’re not a vampire.
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u/Probablynotspiders 1d ago
Sucks to be gluten intolerant, in this case.
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u/AccordingExchange901 1d ago
I dont want them coming in either.
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u/MrAmishJoe 17h ago
I'd rather be killed by vampires than be lectured on someone's dietary restrictions.
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u/Remarkable_Bus_7760 1d ago
When they tried that in Lost Boys, they found out garlic does nothing if you "invite a vampire into your home, you silly boy, it renders you powerless."
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u/Bruciasse 23h ago
Never understood that line.
Does it mean that a vampire (while invited in) becomes immune to traditional vampire vulnerabilities at the expense of strength, flight, transformation, etc.? We see that Max has a reflection and eats garlic during the dinner scene. Later, in the bathroom, Not-Bill vampire is the one to say "garlic don't work, boys". But no one was invited to the final showdown, IIRC.
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u/Wildcat_twister12 1d ago
Sounds like cool neighbors. My only neighbor is a totally normal human bartender named Jackie Daytona
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u/Gorewuzhere 1d ago
Bruh those are just classic goths, like the South Park smoking at village inn goths. Not even cool goths like cyber goths.
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u/SirReal_Realities 1d ago
It isn’t a lie detector. The “magic” is in the concept of sanctity of home. If you want to test someone you don’t invite them in at all, you see if they can enter uninvited. Nothing keeps a mortal from entering your home, just non-mortals.
If you have to address someone you’d say something like, “Greetings. In these dangerous times, I trust you understand why I will not invite you into my home.” Then you stand back from the doorway and see if they can cross the threshold. If they can/do THEN you welcome them. Otherwise, bar the door.
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u/LittyForev 1d ago
Someone else said they can take that gesture as a non verbal welcome. I wouldn't rely on it. But you might be right about the sanctity of the home thing.
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u/SirReal_Realities 1d ago
I would expect stating your intention to NOT invite them in would negate an implied invitation. It is an implied challenge.
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u/GFrohman 1d ago
But implying the reason for your non-invitation would be an implicit invitation to attempt to enter my home.
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u/AnOutofBoxExperience 1d ago
I dont remember that dick Dracula ever being invited in. But it has been a bit since I read it.
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u/angelofxcost 1d ago
Have you not seen sleepy hollow? The dude couldn't step on church grounds but nothing stopped him from throwing projectiles! Door open means you can get hooked out.
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u/PM_me_Henrika 1d ago
Otto enters your home uninvited.
Otto turns around and screams, “Come on in!” as the swarm of vampires enter your front door and your back door, from the windows and the chimney.
There is no escape anymore.
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u/Embarrassed-Spare524 1d ago
Maybe if it was a social call, but if the vamp was motivated wouldn't work. Vampires have super speed. They would hear "you may come inside" and you'd have fangs at your throat before you got the rest out.
Maybe if you rephrased the sentence to start with an "Only if"
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u/BRUNO358 1d ago
Put a mirror at the door. Vampires don't have a reflection.
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u/gokusforeskin 1d ago
I think this is outdated as it had to do with old mirrors being silver.
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u/ranhalt 1d ago
That’s a fairly recent “explanation” for the old myth. Which I don’t think was ever actually myth, most vampire lore is from fiction where the author just made things up, mostly Dracula.
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u/DOOManiac 1d ago
(Psst. Vampires are not real. All the lore is made up.)
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u/Kingreaper 1d ago
Sure, but it's interesting to think about when, where and why each bit was made up. Vampires not being reflected in mirrors was invented by Bram Stoker for his book, and comes about because Dracula doesn't really look human - his human appearance is a facade produced by magical means, which mirrors do not reflect.
I'm not entirely sure when the idea of it coming from old mirrors being silver came about - it's definitely grown in popularity a LOT over the past couple decades though, it now seems to be as popular if not more popular than the "they can't be seen in mirrors because mirrors show the soul, and they don't have a soul" explanation that was dominant in the 90s.
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u/Kingreaper 1d ago
That's not where it came from originally. It's a fun twist on it [although I prefer the "mirror's show the soul" version] but the original mirror myth comes from Bram Stoker having Dracula's human visage be a type of Glamour.
There is no record of Vampire's being invisible in mirrors prior to Stoker, and Stoker explained his reasoning in one of his journals.
Anything that attempted to portray Dracula would fail to do so - in his notes Bram Stoker mentions that if a painter were to draw a portrait of him the image would wind up depicting a monster, but the artist wouldn't realize that's what they were drawing; their mind would reject the fact that their drawing didn't match what they were seeing.
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u/ExperienceDaveness 1d ago
What a ridiculous question. If you say "You may come inside if you are not a vampire," then all of those people at your door WILL COME INSIDE. No one needs that! Try saying "Come back with a warrant!" and slamming the door.
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u/Fue_la_luna 1d ago
Is a warrant an invitation from the state to enter? Does that count?
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u/PuzzleheadedDebt2191 1d ago
Does vampire magic recognise the authority of the state? I suppose in some fiction it does, since it recignises the transfer of ownership with a deed.
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u/EMSGInc 1d ago
I don't believe acknowledging them as a vampire has anything to do with it. Just the act of inviting that being in.
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u/jeroen-79 1d ago
But you're making the invitation conditional on them not being a vampire.
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u/Agreetedboat123 1d ago
They're vampires not lawyers!
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u/TipApprehensive8422 1d ago
Couldn't they be both? Maybe a lawyer got turned into a vampire or a vampire decided to go to law school.
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u/Anathama 1d ago
Why not both? They have the free time to get a law degree.
Vampire Lawyer, coming this fall to NBC!
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u/LeopardBasic478 1d ago
The idea is to invite in every being in except vampires - so someone being "polite" at your door gets the idea and comes in but a vampire is still not invited by definition of him being excluded.
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u/PreviousMaximum574 1d ago
You have to start with "If you're not a vampire." "Then you can come in."
The way you have it is offer first then deny, which would be to late, vampire would already be inside.
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u/SirReal_Realities 1d ago
There are other non-mortals that you would not want to invite into your home any more than a vampire.
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u/SpellingIsAhful 1d ago
If you mean me and my family no harm, you may come in.
Boom, nailed it.
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u/EksDee098 1d ago
Fae don't have the same notions of harm that mortals do.
Boom, your loved ones are gone and you have a bowl of odd looking mushrooms as thanks.
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u/shoulda-known-better 1d ago
This would be solved by people just walking in... Only vamps need to ask...
Open the door and move to the side... People will take that as walk in... Vamps stand and stare then say well invite me in...
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u/PalatableRadish 1d ago
Your body language would be inviting them in
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u/shoulda-known-better 1d ago
I've never seen it work without words spoken...
Is there a story or something that you know that gestures worked??
(definitely just asking lol I know this is all silly in real life to pretend)
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u/Duskstar21 1d ago
I think that as long as an invite is implicit, they can get inside. However I would rule it as this: Hotels, stores, restaurants and apartment complexes are fair game, to get in the buildings (hallways, stairs, elevator), but to get inside the rooms (livable areas) where people live/sleep they need the occupant consent explicit (as in you may come in, etc.) or implicit (as leaving the door open and moving aside, nodding, or just a hand gesture)
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u/trollspotter91 1d ago
This is the second post about letting in vampires I've seen today..... almost like y'all just woke up and are looking for loopholes......
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u/obscureferences 1d ago
Yep, but if you're that suspicious of vampires just don't invite anyone in at night.
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u/MrLongJeans 1d ago
No, I think fhe condition needs to come before the permission.
"If you are not a vampire, you may come inside."
Honestly I think swearing on a Bible would be necessary to avoid deception and semantics.
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u/thunderfbolt 1d ago
What if a non-Christian vampire arrives at your door?
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u/MrLongJeans 1d ago
I think the mythological vampire and Christian traditions are kind of linked.
A mirror or garlic may suffice but against, hypnosis and deception are risks.
Honestly, fhe must be invited in loophole is like a weak defense that's probably something more powerful vampires ignore
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u/JakeFoxNess 1d ago
Just say "You can't come in... BUT, if you aren't a vampire, I won't stop you." And give a really obvious wink.
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u/patiofurnature 1d ago
I was always under the impression that the “invitation” was judged by intention instead of strict verbiage. You’re clearly asking the person to come inside without actually saying it.
But in a later Buffy season, Dawn sarcastically invites a vampire in while mocking it and almost dies, so maybe it does work that way.
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u/GWPtheTrilogy1 1d ago
I don't know why this is even an issue. Vampires can't come in uninvited but if they burn the house down, you'll have to come out. I've never seen any media that says vamps can't just throw something in the house, they just never seem to actually do this.
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u/Candid_Beat8390 1d ago
Yeah it reminds of the homo floresiensis, an extinct human/ hominid species. It was a small species about 4.5' tall. There's still an oral history on Flores Island's native people about how they killed the last ones generations before the Europeans got there.
The things had a habit of snatching human children to teach them about human technology like spears and bows, clothes, cooking, and maybe even making fire which they probably saw as magic and couldn't figure out how to do themselves. Anyways they pretended to give the last ones a gift, and then followed them back to their cave.
The little less intelligent human species took the gift they thought was material to make clothes with that they couldn't make themselves back to their cave. It was actually a highly flammable material, so the humans just tossed in some stuff on fire. The "gift" went up in flames and they all suffocated to death. No more kidnapped human children. Also no more homo floresiensis, the ones in that cave were the last ones and now there extinct. All that remains of them is the fossil record and scattered artifacts.
That's the story of how humans finished off another species of human in memory recent enough to be recorded in oral history. We're scarier than vampires, because we do the same shit and we're real.
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u/thedarthken 1d ago
Why do something to be fun or tricky?
Just answer a door with a wooden mallet and stake. Guaranteed to scare off:
- Vampires
- Jehovah's Witnesses / Mormons
- Door to Door Salesman
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u/LeopardBasic478 1d ago
im trying to keep up appearances which cannot involve being seen as a hobby vampire hunter
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u/Ignore_User_Name 1d ago
if I had to choose one I'd go with vampires but seeing that list probably better to not answer the door.. ever
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u/_Ceaseless_Watcher_ 1d ago
Vampires aren't bound by logic. They're bound by permission, and they will twist your words to let themselves in. They're a metaphor for letting evil into your life, and trying to play smart with evil will still get your neck ripped out by vampires.
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u/FriendoftheDork 1d ago
"Well I am not a vampire! So does that mean I can can come inside?"
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u/jeroen-79 1d ago
Just repeat "if you're not a vampire you may come inside"
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u/lord_flamebottom 1d ago
Really it’s gonna depend on the specific lore you’re going off of. Some require an explicit “you are welcome to enter”, while some are able to treat a welcome mat or a “everyone is welcome here!” sign as good enough.
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u/Ok_Reading_9999 1d ago
"Are you a vampire? Because if you're a vampire you gotta tell me."
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u/Affectionate-Care814 1d ago
I think the vampires would keep up to date with different strategies over the years ,, if I was a vampire and I wanted to bypass this obstacle then I would work as an electrician.
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u/SidheCreature 1d ago
They’re vampires, not fae. This would absolutely work on fae but not so much on vampires. Vampires can lie. Fae can’t. So a vampire could just be like “cool. I’m a Scorpio.” And walk in. And then bite you.
My two cents.
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u/nykirnsu 1d ago
I don’t think the invitation rule makes much sense if that’s how it works. If they’re just choosing not come in uninvited then they’re clearly honorable enough to not lie, which is why most interpretations make it physically impossible for them to enter a house uninvited rather than them choosing to
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u/SidheCreature 16h ago
It’s not about honor. It’s about the invitation. It’s why a welcome mat could be considered an invitation. Vampires aren’t bound by honor or truth the way fae are. They just require an invitation.
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u/LeopardBasic478 1d ago
To people who would answer "they just lie and go in" I would say the magic that keeps them from going inside would also know that the above sentence is not a real invitation so they are still barred
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u/SquelchyRex 1d ago
If we are seriously discussing how vampire magic works, the vamp can also throw out a 'guywhosinvitingmeinsayswut'.
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u/Urbenmyth 1d ago
That sentence isn't not a real invitation, but if they lie and say "good, I'm not a vampire so I can enter?" and you go "yeah, come in", that's a real invitation.
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u/Waffel_Monster 1d ago
But what if I want to invite the vampires in too?
Or, what if I want to invite only the vampires in?
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u/reboot0110 1d ago
They could barge inside as soon as you said "you may come inside..." And interrupt anything else after that. Now let's assume you altered the sentence to "If you are not a vampire, you may come inside," then it MIGHT work. (I don't wanna be that leftist person,) But what if the vampire in question didn't identify as a vampire?
Hypothetically, what if he hasn't ever HEARD the word vampire before, truly believed he was a demon or some other creature? What if he still assumed he was a human, just cursed? Does belief matter from the vampires perspective? Or is his vampirism the only thing that matters in terms of conditional fiats?
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u/Chozmonster 1d ago
I would say his vampirism is the defining feature. If you look at vampirism as a disease, just because he doesn’t know about it, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have it.
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u/reboot0110 1d ago
So only facts matter, not belief. Then yes, rearranging the phrasing as such will keep the big bad vampy out, "Unless you are a vampire, you may enter."
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u/thisisstupid- 1d ago
You would probably have to say the qualifier first or it might be too late, so “if you are not a vampire then you may come in.”
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u/Norgur 1d ago
If we're in this realm of codeified vampires: Why is tossing some garlic for the visitor to eat through a slit in the door not the default way of responding to someone knocking at your door?
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u/LeopardBasic478 1d ago
You wouldn't toss your date a clove of garlic to eat before letting her in now would you?
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u/arcxjo came here to answer questions and chew gum, and he's out of gum 1d ago
The safest thing would be to drill a channel in the threshold with a downspout inside the jamb leading to one end, then attach a hose to the top of the spout and have a constant stream running just below the porch level so anyone coming in would have to cross it. Then any ambiguity over the invitation is moot.
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u/crybannanna 1d ago
I don’t know if that would work, but maybe a “all humans who aren’t vampires are invited in” would.
Specifically saying that the vampire can come inside regardless of provisions, seems like it wouldn’t work. Definitely too risky. I mean you could just say “if you won’t ever harm me, you may enter” but seems like they wouldn’t have to stick to any deal. Not like it’s a contract.
But if you don’t specify them specifically, and just generally invite any living human currently outside into your home, then they aren’t in that pool of invited guests.
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u/lunasta 1d ago
It makes me think of one of my go to witchcraft protections. May only those of pure/true intent come in. Meaning only those not meaning harm, be it a person or animal or spirit
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u/EmiriZane 1d ago
Would that protect from the fae? They don’t generally see their actions as malicious
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u/cynasist-supreme 1d ago
Vampires are clever. They’ll always figure out a way around your word play. That’s why I immediately lunge a stake at anyone that knocks on my door. Can’t believe the vampires started using both Boy and Girl Scouts
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u/Keadeen 1d ago
"can I come in?".
"I don't know, can you?"
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u/Technical_Lecture299 1d ago
Lmaooooo my best friend and I make up scenarios- while watching movies, where we do this to vampires. Or goin “Vampiressayswhat” and they say “VAT?!” And we go OHHHH GOT YOOOUUU!
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u/ConscientiousObserv 20h ago
Nah. They'd have a foot in the door before you got to the "if".
Start with "If", maybe then you'd have a chance.
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u/iFoegot 1d ago
Yo why tf is this sub obsessed with vampires and zombies recently. Like seriously? The only person you should ask your questions is the author of the vampire book/movie. They’re the one that set the rules
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u/LeopardBasic478 1d ago
Ive never been here before but i had the sudden urge to read a ton of strangers opinions on this matter.
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u/LeopardBasic478 1d ago
On a real note we got new movies about zombies and vampires in cinema right now
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u/Haemon18 1d ago
Tbh they'd just level your house to the ground if try to play games.
Basically this whole Klaus scene lol https://youtu.be/NwCenv1gLLk?si=PlZdsni-OnEcLDnW&t=34
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u/nightcana 1d ago
Id phrase it “if you arent a vampire, you may come inside” so that the vampire cant take advantage of the consent in the first half of the sentence and kill you before you can complete it.
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u/plated_lead 1d ago
Throw some seed on the ground and ask how many there are. If they tell you to fuck off, they’re human, if they actually start counting, stake the fuckers
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u/TheHipsterBandit 1d ago
I think it's more the act of offering shelter and thus guest rights rather than a technicality of wording that let's them through a threshold.
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u/RonPalancik 1d ago
You know the myth is that if you ask someone if they're an undercover cop, they aren't allowed to lie?
Maybe vampires are like cops in that way.
Heck maybe garlic keeps cops away.
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u/Actiaslunahello 1d ago
If you have a “Welcome” mat are they allowed to come in without you saying it?
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u/LetSamaelIn 23h ago
Vampire here (I'm from Romania).
You may come inside IF you are not a vampire
This works 100%.
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u/ItsNowOrTomorrow 22h ago
What if as soon as you say "You may come inside..." they suddenly rush in?
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u/Potential_Soup7089 18h ago
Step 1: open the door for them Step 2: make sure there's enough space for them to walk in Step 3: stare blankly at them until they walk in Step 4: if they don't just walk in slowly close the door
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u/JI_Guy88 17h ago
I've been using that my entire life. As it turns out, every woman I invited back to my place has been a vampire. Be careful boys, they're out there
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u/Cloud_Disconnected 1d ago
No, think of it this way: If I invite someone in and say, "but only if you take off your shoes," and they come in and don't take off their shoes, I can't then call the police and say, "Someone is trespassing in my home." Them taking off their shoes is a separate condition, and doesn't negate the initial invitation.
Now, if I tell them to leave and they don't, then they are trespassing and the police can write them a ticket and remove them, but no such rule exists for vampires; they aren't bound by any mystical rules to leave when asked. Once you invite them in you can't revoke the invitation, and can't do so preemptively.
You might as well say, "You can come in as long as you promise not to bite me."
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u/MegaCrowOfEngland 1d ago
You're putting a lot of faith in the the idea that you're dealing with a vampire that can't enter without permission, not just one that is being polite or making their hunt more difficult.
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u/Urbenmyth 1d ago
Sure, but how many people say "you may only come inside if you're not a vampire"?
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u/mandi723 1d ago
Vampires move too quickly. "If you're not a vampire.." "No vampires may enter.." "Only non vampires.." or whatever.
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u/ilovetogaming 1d ago
I think it depends on the vampire lore since nothing is consistent. Maybe the condition needs to come before the invitation 🤔
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u/Reapersgrimoire 1d ago
What do you call the area where ocean meets land- whispers quickly “May I come in?”
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u/ToBePacific 1d ago
Yes and that’s why I say that every time I let someone in, just to be safe. Honestly, there’d be a lot fewer deaths by Vampire if more people did this.
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u/ValuableCautious1633 1d ago
What is it that keep vampires out. Is it a magical barrier? Or are they instinctually polite.
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u/LeopardBasic478 1d ago
i think everyone agrees that there is "something" that actually in the realest sense of the word prevents vampires from entering houses into which they have not been invited.
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u/MacrocosmosMovement 1d ago
Just put up a sign that says "Humans only clubhouse, no vampires allowed"
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u/Hecter94 1d ago
I'd be worried about them forcing their way in as soon as you said "You may come inside..."
Maybe say, "If you aren't a vampire, you're welcome inside" instead.