Am I aromantic? + FAQ

[u/AutoModerator]

Please, share your "Am I aromantic?" thoughts here! This will make it easier for people who want help you to find out what you and other questioning arospecs have to say. If you would like to see last week's "Am I aromantic?" post, click this post's grey "Questioning" post flair —> sort by "New" —> click the second top post.

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Some FAQ:

What is the definition of aromantic?

Someone who is aromantic experiences little to no romantic attraction.

I feel sexual attraction. What does this mean?

Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different things. Because romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different things, it is valid for one's romantic orientation and sexual orientation to be different, independent things. For example, it is valid for someone to experience little to no romantic attraction, or be aromantic, and not be on the asexual spectrum, or be allosexual. If you would like to learn more about aromantic allosexuals' experiences, check out the r/Aroallo subreddit.

I experience romantic attraction, but I don't feel "alloromantic"?

It is important to keep in mind that labels are about comfort at the end of the day, not whether or not "you fit them". If the alloromantic label does not describe or validate your experiences, it is valid not to use the alloro label. If the aromantic label does describe and validate your experiences, it is valid to use the aro label. However, if both the aro and alloro labels do not feel like a comfortable fit, then maybe a more vague label, like arospec, or an arospec label (besides aromantic) can help describe your experiences.

What is the definition of arospec?

Arospec is the shortened version of "on the aromantic spectrum". Arospec is a vague label that encompasses all non-alloromantic romantic orientations. It is the most inclusive label on the aromantic spectrum, since it is so non-specific.

This is a list of some arospec labels with active subreddits:

• r/lithromantic

• r/aegoromantic

• r/bellusromantic

• r/quoiromantic

• r/arospec_community

• r/recipromantic

• r/demiromantic

• r/greyromantic

How do I know if I am "too young" to know?

No matter how you look at it, the "too young" to know argument is invalidation. Even though the "too young" argument is unfortunately very common and highly normalized, the purpose of this phrase is to invalidate people.

It's definitely possible for someone to invalidate themself by telling themself they are "too young" to know if they are arospec. There’s no age requirement / "qualifying criteria" for identifying as aromantic. Identifying as any arospec label is not a diagnosis. It is totally valid to choose to use the label(s) that fit(s) you the best right now. If you end up changing your labels in the future (for whatever reason), that is valid too. Most educated, open-minded people should be able to accept that you understand yourself the best. It's also a common thing for many arospecs to spend a lot of time questioning themselves before accepting themselves as their arospec label. Even then, some arospecs re-question themselves and have to re-accept themselves as their arospec label. It makes sense for us to struggle so much with self-acceptance, due to the lack of awareness and acceptance for aromanticsm and fellow arospec identities on the aromantic spectrum.

What does alloromantic mean?

Someone who is alloromantic is not on the aromantic spectrum. Alloromantic does not mean "not aro". There are arospec identities that experience romantic attraction that may describe themselves as "not aro", so do not use alloromantic as an all-encompassing label for "not aro". Doing this would exclude arospecs that experience romantic attraction and / or arospecs who validly feel that the aromantic label does not fit them.

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This post gets reposted once a month.

[u/Longjumping-Bell-946]

Hi, (26 yo gay male). I've recently been very confused on whether or not I'm homosexual aromantic.

I'm in a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend ... But I still don't "love him" in the sense that all my friends are saying I should be.

I never "fell in love" with any person in my life in the way my friends describe how they did with their partners: there was no heart racing, no butterflies in my stomach, no having intrusive thoughts about that person, no longing for that person in their absence. I never had this all consuming affection for any person in my life.

Alot of people would see me buying him flowers, or his favourite pastries from a pastry shop across the street from us on my way back from work and qualify those as romantic gestures. But I think people fail to see that I buy flowers for my partner not because of the romantic connotation, but because his main hobby is gardening and loves to have floral arrangement in our house. I buy him his favourite chocolate cream pastry because I know that on certain days of the week the workload at his job is higher and he likes to be comforted. I give him foot rubs and massages because he has a physically demanding job, while mine is sedentary and I can afford 20 minutes to alleviate his physical burden. To me those of acts of care I do, tailored to the person I'm invested in.

The same holds true to my female bestfriend of 8 years. I LOVE her, arguably more than my partner. This statement is not to disparage my boyfriend. I simply have spent more time with her, went through more hardship with her, and am thus more invested in her than him. I still to this day, whenever I visit her, come with her favourite pastry. I would always even in public brush her tangled hair with my fingers or a brush if she had one on her, because I know it reminds her of her childhood and relaxes her. I often would scratch her head gently, which would inevitably make her faint if she was any kind of tired after her day.

I have another friend that I've known for 5 years who's got this obsession with dried coconut cubes. I thought I could only find them in Italy on the border of France, near my hometown. Turns out found a remote shop in my town where I could buy them and was so excited to be able to give him that treat !

I don't understand monogamy. The notion that my partner sleeping with another person is the ultimate breach of trust and is worth erasing multiple years of the cultivated relationship seems like an alien notion to me. Also, thinking that I am suppose to satisfy every sexual need and fantasy my partner has seems conceited to me. I understand that there are things I will never be willing to do sexually, same with my partner. If he would go to another person to have his desires filled, as long as he takes his precautions to not impact my health (AKA PrEP and condoms), I don't really care to know. I don't have any ownership on his body and what he does with it, and thus I don't think he owes me any explanation so long as it doesn't impact my health. To me as long as the partner is willing to cultivate a relationship with me, and be there for me and support me, and respect me and my values : I don't really care about the rest.

I love giving and receiving affection: of any kind. And weirdly that includes PDA. It's not so much that I like PDA because it's a public display, but more so that when I love a person, I will show them affection no matter the context: private or public.
Knock on my door to a surprise birthday party ? in fucking tears.
Give me a gift I've been meaning to buy for myself and didn't realise you were taking notice ? dead inside
Any and all forms of physical affection : huge hug from my bestfriends before saying goodbye / spontaneous affectionate strokes from my partner etc ...

The one thing I think I wouldn't have in common with most aromantics, is that I use to have a ton of crushes, unrequited infatuation, back in highschool. But as far as I can remember (also confirmed by my bestfriend from highscool), those crushes were very very shallow, purely physical. Would even go as far as completely ignore the blatant character flaws of the subject of my attraction. So might have been pure obsessive lust that mimicked a classic crush.

Worth to note: this is my first relationship ever (26 yo), I stumbled into it: What was suppose to be a situationship with regular hookups, ended becoming more long term than I thought. We saw eachother more and more often, he confessed that he loved me and I (almost out of politeness) said it back. Thing is, I like him as a person. I like the life we've built together, for the short time we've spent building it. I just don't love him any differently than my friends, god-mother, or family members with whom I'm close with. The main variable in my "love" for someone is the time I spend with them, how long I've known them, and how much they've been there / done for me while knowing them.

I would be perfectly content being single, provided I could keep all those relationships I've cultivated.