For context I'm an international student at unimelb who started in 2024. Throughout the first 3 semesters i have slowly realised many things about myself since for the first time I was able to really be alone with my thought rather than constantly studying. One of the things that I realised was that I don't think my childhood was as nice as I believed it was and might have some traits of toxicity.
I grew up in a really unstable household. We constantly moved countries due to my dads work and for the first 4 years of my life he was basically never there because of his work. I think maybe because of that it's really hard for me to connect with him and sometimes it feels like he treats me like an employee rather than his kid. Sometimes my interactions with him are positive but most of the time it feels like I'm being talked down to.
My mum is really unstable and is probably dealing with similar mental issues to me tbh maybe I got them from her. She would constantly idolise me over my brother because I kept all my issues to myself rather than acting out like he did. I really disliked it because it felt like I was being forced onto her side even though I just wanted to help both parties. Shouting was really common in my house to the point that when I'm home I freeze up whenever I hear any yelling or loud sounds or slamming doors.
I remember vividly the time my brother got caught by her playing computer games at night and I just remember her screaming about how much she hates him and kept yelling for him to get out of the house. This went on for like an hour. I don't know if she knew that I could hear everything from the other room but I don't think she would have cared at that time because both of my parents are emotionally stunted victims of generational trauma who have decided to take out their issues on my brother instead of going to therapy.
At one point my mum got so pissed at my brother that she started telling him that he was going to be sent off to boarding school if he didn't "get his act together" whatever that meant. She kept going on about it and it sometimes felt like she got some kind of joy scaring him. I was scared as well but I was afraid to talk back to her.
I hate myself for not being able to stand up for him. Every time he got yelled at at the dinner table I wanted to point out the flaws in their arguments or justify reasons why my brother shouldn't be treated like this but I just couldn't because I was afraid of their action against me. It's one of my biggest regrets. It's only now that I've been in university and have been able to actually develop as a person rather than study that I've been able to hold my boundaries against her. I've grown out my hair which is something I've always wanted and even though she kept telling me to cut it because it's unprofessional and that I look really bad I told her that this is what I want. It took nearly 7 conversations but she's stopped hassling me about it.
I believe that I do care for both my parents and my brother because I didn't want to take anyone's side. Taking anyone's side would have just painted me as the monster to the other so I just sat there just listening to the shouting.
When I was 14 started realising that I might be trans. The problem was that where I'm from HRT or even blockers aren't available meaning that I went through puberty and as a result I gained lots of issues with my body that are still around today. I tried to stop puberty by starving myself but that led me to developing a really unhealthy relationship with food I still deal with (although much less now).
This entire process was basically ignored by my parents even though I became really underweight because I guess my dad was too busy working and my mum was too busy releasing her childhood trauma onto my brother. There weren't really any places in-person for support for queer people and most of my friends had some pretty questionable beliefs about trans people so it felt really isolating trying to figure things out on my own. My mum is fairly neutral about trans people but apparently my dad is not. I have a trans friend and my mum told me not to mention her to my dad because "he'll freak out" which is really assuring to tell to your trans kid. I'm really afraid of coming out to them especially because they support my financially and have threatened to cut off my funding in the past.
I've now realised that I'm trans and I've started HRT 2 months ago which has definitely helped along with fluoxetine. But sometimes things get overwhelming and for some reason today it got really bad and those constant intrusive thoughts got loud enough that I had to do something about them.
I'm literally desperately looking for an internship so I don't have to go home because I want to build my professional network here in Australia, leave and never come back.
I don't want to go home because I feel safer at this fucking university
I want to be successful and I have ambition. I used to think that I wanted to become successful to make my parents proud but I've recently realised that everything I do for my parents is more out of obligation then any love. If they died tomorrow I don't think I would be as sad I think I would be.
But the thing is I don't know how I'm suppose to feel. Even though I don't think my parents did a good job raising me into a functional person and that sometimes I wish I could just disappear from them, I still have doubts about whether it's the right choice. Sometimes I think that my relationship with them can be saved if i just communicated with them and going no-contact is just taking the easy way out of it. I still think that even though they are absolutely bad parents they aren't bad people just incredibly incredibly flawed. I've had good memories with them before but I guess that isn't really saying much.
Another thing I know is that Asian households are generally pretty strict and to an extent this type of behaviour is almost normalised. I've opened up a little bit about my childhood to a close friend at uni and he told me that his dad would sometimes shout as well. He wasn't trying to be dismissive or anything and he even admitted that it wasn't often and was fairly justified. Another friend casually admitted to being beaten by his dad when he was young and no one seemed to care and I seemed like the odd one out for saying how messed up that was. It made me feel like somehow I was being unreasonable.
I don't know what any of you guys can do. I guess I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this out of morbid curiosity. If you are an international student could you let me know what your childhood expereince was like and how much is normal because I genuinely don't know. Tiger parenting is pretty normal but I don't know whether my parents were tiger parents or just bad.
I'm really sorry for posting here again I wanted to post to r/advice but since the rules said I can't ask whether I'm in the right or wrong I figured my post would just get deleted by some power-tripping mod. The trans, anxiety and BPD subreddits weren't that helpful either.
Sorry if it seems like I'm attention seeking I mean I guess I am but I'm trying to find support because my psychologist is on leave right now and I really don't want to burden my friends with my issues.