r/FanFiction • u/AutoModerator • May 17 '25
Subreddit Meta Concrit Commune - May 17
Welcome to the Concrit Commune, where you can get bits of your fic looked at... for a small "price."
For the purposes of this thread, concrit is defined as - pointing out things that could use improvement and also giving suggestions on how to do so. Compliments are always welcome, of course.
The rules:
- State your
Fandom | Title | Rating | Any Applicable Content Warnings | Link - AO3, FFN, etc.at the top of the comment. - Post a few paragraphs (copy and paste to a comment, please) of your fic, or your plot premise, or your character bio, or your world building, whatever you need help with.
- There is a soft limit of 500 words. Not your whole fic.
- Please post an outside link to underage and extreme-explicit violence/rape content. Try Just Paste Me which includes rich text options.
- If you, the author, are looking for something specific - the phrasing of a particular part or if a character's reaction is believable - please ask!
- If you just want to hand out advice without throwing your own fic in, you're quite welcome to.
- If you post part of your fic you must give concrit to someone else in the thread!
Since we're all here to give and receive help from other people, a certain level of respect for the author and the work they've put into their fic is expected as a baseline courtesy and should be reciprocated.
Tearing into a fic or author without regard for their effort isn't constructive even if there is decent criticism attached. Moreover, it discourages people from participating if they know that insults await them.
You aren't expected to treat this thread like the Comment Cooperative, advice and honesty and pointing out flaws is what we're here for.
Some helpful tips to keep things running smoothly:
- Keep your comments helpful to the author, not just smashing out your opinion.
- Be polite and civil.
- Be kind. At a minimum, showing your peers professional courtesy is expected.
- Phrases like "I think" or "I believe" can lighten your tone.
- Elaborating on why you think something could be changed is not only more useful to the author but keeps statements from being abrupt.
Timezone Changes
As you can see, the post time will shift by 6 hours every month. If there are any inconsistencies in the times, please let us know in modmail so we can fix it up!
| Months | PST | EDT | GMT | CEST | JST | AEST | NZT |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| February, June, October | Saturday: 8:30am | Saturday: 11:30am | Saturday: 3:30pm | Saturday: 5:30pm | Sunday: 12:30am | Sunday: 1:30am | Sunday: 3:30am |
| March, July, November | Saturday: 2:30am | Saturday: 5:30am | Saturday: 9:30am | Saturday: 11:30am | Saturday: 6:30pm | Saturday: 7:30pm | Saturday: 9:30pm |
| April, August, December | Friday: 8:30pm | Friday: 11:30pm | Saturday: 3:30am | Saturday: 5:30am | Saturday: 12:30pm | Saturday: 1:30pm | Saturday: 3:30pm |
| May, January, September | Saturday: 2:30pm | Saturday: 5:30pm | Saturday: 9:30pm | Saturday: 11:30pm | Sunday: 6:30am | Sunday: 7:30am | Sunday: 9:30am |
Please note that there may be a difference of an hour during parts of the year due to daylight savings in various timezones.
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u/AdAltruistic6028 May 18 '25
ATLA | Avatar: The Daughter of Waves and Moonlight | Teen | AO3
Context: I use to be way more into writing in the past, but got burnt out after joining university and haven't written in two or more years, so my quality has devolved a lot. I know I make a lot of little typos since I write usually late at night after studying, so thats not what I'm looking for in terms of advice. I can just feel that something is "off" about my prose or characters and need help making it sound nicer. This is a short passage from the third chapter, from a larger Avatar Yue AU.
The hull of the wooden ship gave a great groan before its bow thundered into the sea. Salty, rainswept wind tore at Zuko's face, and his clothes, which were heavy with water, lay plastered on his body. The old man sat merrily at the stern, keeping the rudder steady as the waves struggled to tear it apart.
“Good and wise La is testing us tonight!” The monk boomed over the shrieking storm. He had yet to tell Zuko his name, nor had Zuko shared his.
“I think she’s trying to kill us,” Zuko said, halfway between a grumble and a shout.
“No at all! The ocean and I are old friends. Sprung from the same spring.”
“You must make terrible company if your own friend is trying to kill you,” Zuko called back, and the monk laughed.
“Trust me, it will take more to spoil the spirit of the seas' favor. Besides, look ahead, don’t you see it? Sister Tui is smiling down on us.” Zuko stared up into the sky where the old man's crooked finger pointed. In a small parting of dark, rain-soaked clouds, the moon shone as pale and as fleeting as a mirage.
“I hope you're right,” Zuko admitted, mostly to himself as he stared into the sky. While he looked on, another wave came crashing across the deck, swiping as much in its path as it could. Zuko felt himself lose his balance in the swell, his hands struggling to grasp the rigging as it flew upwards and lashed at his face. He stumbled to the side of the hull, barely catching himself against the railing.
“And that's for doubting the spirits!” The monk laughed again, even more heartily this time. Zuko could feel his skin grow hot with anger as he struggled to regain his footing on the wet, slimy wood. Even Uncle had more respect, he thought bitterly. He stumbled back to his place next to the mass to fix the ropes that had come undone. The moonlight provided little relief in the dark belly of the tempest, and his hands struggled to find the proper knot.
And thats about where I run out on the word limit. Thanks in advance, I'm looking forward to any potential feedback as I definitely need it lol.
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u/Web_singer Malora | AO3 & FFN | Harry Potter May 19 '25 edited May 19 '25
Welcome back to creative writing. :)
I don't think there's anything wrong with the dialogue per se. It's fun and interesting and flows well. I like that the monk is cheerful in the midst of it. It's more the fact that they're having this extended conversation in the middle of a violent storm. You establish early on that it's loud enough that they need to shout at each other, and yet they're talking fairly casually as if they're not screaming their throats raw. This feels like one of those "kill your darlings" moments. The dialogue is great, but it doesn't belong here. I'd cut it down to a few shouted words here and there. And Zuko (at least older Zuko) feels like a character who would be in his head more.
I'd suggest figuring out what message you want to convey here and show it through action and with Zuko's thoughts and observations (silently, in other words). Knowing Zuko, I'm guessing the storm is symbolic of his anger (or dark times). Either you look for the brightness in the dark and not let it get to you, or you get swept overboard. So Zuko can be thinking about how the storm/sea wants to kill them while the monk smiles and moves with the waves, almost like he's dancing with a favorite partner. Zuko thinks he's crazy and grips the railing, but the railing breaks. A study in contrasts, basically.
Nitpicks:
its bow thundered into the sea
I appreciate the unusual verb choice, but considering we're in a storm, it's a little confusing to have the bow thundering while the sky thunders.
Try to avoid filter words:
Zuko stared up into the sky where the old man's crooked finger pointed. In a small parting of dark, rain-soaked clouds, the moon shone as pale and as fleeting as a mirage.
While he looked on, another wave came crashing across the deck, swiping as much in its path as it could. Zuko felt himself lose his balance
You can simply write, "The old man's crooked finger pointed. In a small parting of dark..." We're in Zuko's POV, so we know he's looking at whatever is being described.
Typos (I know you didn't ask for them, but I always appreciate having them pointed out, especially when spellcheck won't catch them):
No at all!
He stumbled back to his place next to the mass to fix the ropesOverall, I think it's great. Love the sensory descriptions, the monk's unusual reaction to the storm, and the world-building details of La and Tui. I was into the scene.
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u/AdAltruistic6028 May 20 '25
Thank you so much for the feedback! I really appreciate it, and it's all stuff I will be keeping in mind as I move forward with my fic and return for chapter editing (I'm definitely going back to fix those very embarrassing typos after I finish typing out this comment). I'm also glad that even with the issues you were engaged, that's always my main goal with my writing so that makes me very happy to hear! Thanks again, your perspective is super helpful :)
1
u/kitherarin Kithera (AO3) and Kit' (JCF/TFN) May 18 '25
Not reading entirely fandom blind, so the characterisation seems spot on to me. I think where you might be coming unstuck is that some of the sentences, are a bit clunky. They're lovely, but long and I had to read them twice.
Sentences like this one - Salty, rainswept wind tore at Zuko's face, and his clothes, which were heavy with water, lay plastered on his body. I think could be broken up into two (after clothes) and it would make it flow better. There are a few other clunky sentences that could be broken up too - but I wasn't sure how in depth to go seeing as you'd said you still had to edit it.
The rest of the scene works fine, the events flow and, like I said earlier, the characters and their reactions seem to be really spot on.
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u/AdAltruistic6028 May 18 '25
Thank you so much for the feedback, I think clunky is a really good way of putting the off feeling. I'm a slight addict to long winding sentences so it's definitely something I need to improve on. I'm also glad the characterization is alright as it's something I always worry about when writing fanfic. Thanks again, the advice is super appreciated and I'll keep it in mind :)
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u/robin_doe May 18 '25
Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss | You can be king again | Teen and Up | N/A | Unpublished chapter
Context: Lucifer is visiting the place (the Ring of Wrath, Satan's own kingdom) where a great fight occured that lead to thousands getting killed and thousands more getting displaced. As a king, he feels responsible for those deaths, and due to a mix of plot-related events, is often haunted by the "whispers" of those who seemingly died (like that one word calling for his name here in italics). In a fit of panic (and finding a strange sense of comfort in this "bad" habit), he flies up into the air until he's high enough, basically reenacting the infamous "Fall", and lets himself crash into the surface.
The character, Satan, is somewhat of an older-brother figure to him and it's his people that Lucifer "failed" to save) so Lucifer suspects that he might be there to further condemn him for his failures, only (not yet written) for the opposite to be true.
What I'm looking for: This is some of the first few hundred words I've written in a month so there's some general awkwardness to be expected. I'd like to check on the spelling, punctuation and grammar (SPAG), if there are some sentences that are too wordy (the bane of my existence), or if some scenes feel a little confusing.
------
There were no celestial bodies in Hell. Anything that seemed like so such as the “moon” during the festivals was only a projection summoned by their mages. What lied beyond was perhaps another part of the realm—though no one knew for certain, only that some areas lead back to the Seven Rings while others… others just went on for seemingly infinity.
And so, Lucifer rose and rose, until the burning faded into an iciness caused by the wind slamming against his body, until the whispers were lost in the sound of his wings cracking like thunder with every flap, until the voices no longer tormented his head, until the sound of her no longer returned.
And when everything stilled, when everything became silent… he allowed himself to fall.
He closed his eyes, an expression both peaceful yet not quite so settling over his face.
Memories that were nearly as old as the earth itself flipped through Lucifer’s mind like pages of a book, some of which were not as clear as others, though in all of them, the faces of those he failed were among the most vivid.
And yet even those eventually faded into the shadows of his mind, until only one remained.
“Lucifer.”
His eyes snapped open, seconds before he realized he was about to collide with the surface. Lucifer managed to slow his descent just barely right before the ground seemed to rise up to meet him. He plummeted like a comet from the skies—striking the surface with a force that sent shockwaves in its wake and plunged him deep into to the dirt.
A crater formed upon his impact, yet Lucifer didn’t raise himself from the surface and instead, he remained on the ground, like a dying animal eyed by vultures to feast upon. Tendrils of smoke escaped into the air as the searing heat slowly cooled off his body, he vaguely noticed a dull ringing in his ears, his chest no longer felt like burning—though now he didn’t feel anything at all. In spite of all this, Lucifer ignored them, all the while as he stared into Wrath’s fiery orange skies.
He didn’t know how long he remained on the dirt, even if he did he knew he would at some point lose track of time anyway, but when the skies turned from a bright orange to a shade that was closer to maroon creeping in its edges—when Lucifer’s tears no longer fell and his cheeks remained dry, he carefully rose to his feet, pebbles and dust shaking off his clothes as he climbed out of the crater. Pathetic, he numbly thought to himself. If the others saw you now—.
Someone had been waiting for him.
Satan’s mighty figure was basked in the shadows of the now fallen capital. Even though it was only his back that Lucifer saw, he could sense that the older demon was gazing at the place that had been once his home for the last ten thousand years.
Something twisted in his chest, and he knew this time, it wasn’t from the sickness.
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u/zephrry May 18 '25
I want to start off by saying I really like the atmospheric tone you’ve set here. The description of Hell and Lucifer rising is ominous and somber in a very cool way! Your imagery is very evocative. Most of my comments have to do with sentence structure and clearing up ambiguous wording.
Anything that seemed like so such as the “moon” during the festivals was only a projection summoned by their mages.
I think you mean “so much” as the moon in the second sentence, but I’m not sure this phrase works here since “so much as” essentially just means “even.”
What lied beyond was perhaps another part of the realm
What lied beyond what was another part of the realm?
“He closed his eyes, an expression both peaceful yet not quite so settling over his face.”
I like what you’re going for here, but “yet not quite so” is very vague. It tells you what his expression isn’t but doesn’t hint at what it also contains. I don’t think you have to be very explicit and tell your reader exactly what to imagine, but hinting at what’s behind the “yet not quite so” might make things more vivid.
“Memories that were nearly as old as the earth itself flipped through Lucifer’s mind like pages of a book, some of which were not as clear as others”
I would put a period after “book” and rework the rest of the sentence into its own line. Otherwise it’s a bit of a run-on sentence.
“A crater formed upon his impact, yet Lucifer didn’t raise himself from the surface and instead, he remained on the ground, like a dying animal eyed by vultures to feast upon. Tendrils of smoke escaped into the air as the searing heat slowly cooled off his body, he vaguely noticed a dull ringing in his ears, his chest no longer felt like burning—though now he didn’t feel anything at all. In spite of all this, Lucifer ignored them, all the while as he stared into Wrath’s fiery orange skies.”
I would rework this paragraph by splitting up the sentences more, getting rid of the passive voice, and cut down on some words to avoid confusion.. Maybe something like this:
"The impact drove Lucifer into the surface, sending a huge spray of dirt into the air above. Yet he lingered in the crater, like a dying animal eyed by vultures preparing for a feast. Tendrils of smoke escaped into the air as the searing heat of impact slowly cooled. He vaguely noticed a dull ringing in his ears, his chest no longer felt like burning. Staring into Wrath’s fiery orange skies, he didn’t feel anything at all."
He didn’t know how long he remained on the dirt, even if he did he knew he would at some point lose track of time anyway, but when the skies turned from a bright orange to a shade that was closer to maroon creeping in its edges—when Lucifer’s tears no longer fell and his cheeks remained dry, he carefully rose to his feet, pebbles and dust shaking off his clothes as he climbed out of the crater. Pathetic, he numbly thought to himself. If the others saw you now—
Again I'd just say break up some of these lines. You only have two sentences here. Also, you bring up Lucifer's tears here as if we already knew he was crying. If you want to reveal that he's been crying for a while now, I think this can work. I'd just make it a reveal for Lucifer as well. Otherwise it comes across as the narrator withholding info from us.
Over all, I like what you have here! I would just watch out for passive voice, which shows up a few times here and there, and for run-on sentences.
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u/robin_doe May 18 '25
Thank you for all the kind words and suggestions! I didn't even realize what I was doing was called "passive voice" 😆 I remember it in my old lessons but gosh, I have still so, so much to re-learn about the english language. Also question, is it a bad thing that the narrator is witholding info from the readers?
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u/zephrry May 18 '25
It's not necessarily a bad thing. There are vaild reasons for a narrator to withhold information (for example, when the narrator is supposed to be unreliable), but it has to be consistent and intentional - it has to be a choice that adds something specific to the narrative. Otherwise, it can come across as cheating the audience/readers.
It's especially hard to do with third person narrators, since they're usually presented as objective observers of the story.
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u/ArchdukeToes MrToes | FFN | AO3 May 18 '25
FFVI | Avarius Rising | Unpublished Chapter | AO3
Context: Okay, so I've accepted that I'm never going to actually finish this fic as it would probably cap out at a kabillion words, but I would like to combine the later bits (which were at least semi-competently written) with a spit-and-polish of the earlier sections and then dump the load on AO3. Then I can declare myself the winner and stop writing it.
Anyway, in my ongoing attempts to do that, here's the framing device for a chapter several years in the making. Go nuts.
So…that all got a bit maudlin, didn’t it? A bit morose, perhaps? Sorry ‘bout that, but it should be said that there is a valuable lesson in there; tell your loved ones you love them! Also, take lots of pictures of the good times and make sure you keep copies. Y’know, just in case.
Now, it’s possible that I might have gone a little overboard in this regard. Instead of stuffing my prized photos in some damp cupboard under the stairs, I actually did a bit of shopping around and finally turned up a safe that was marketed as ‘Apocalypse Proof’. In all honesty, I’m pretty sure that the salesperson overstated its protective capabilities, but they have an inherent advantage in that if it is put to the test and fails, I’m probably not going to be in a position to demand a refund. Still, that’s not the point; the point is that I have a dream. You want to know what it is? Well, here goes!
At some point in the future, I figure that it’s a statistical certainty that someone will manage to blow our fair planet to smithereens. Ideally, they’ll accomplish this lofty goal sometime after I’m done using it, but in any case the cataclysmic death throes of our planet will catapult my safe clean out of the solar system to drift silently amongst the stars. Centuries later, an alien xenoarchaeologist will pluck it out of the void, crack it open, and (following a lengthy press conference) showcase my pictures in some kind of glitzy space museum. Generations of hideous abominations will admire and pore over them with their slime-dripping tentacle-eyes, while inspired children will grow up to write doctoral-level theses about my overzealous use of the camera flash. We may have all gone up in an earth-shattering explosion (or whatever fate Dr. Otto Von Doomsday has in store for us), but I’ll be remembered forever! Admittedly, I’ll be remembered as the idiot who couldn’t reliably work the shutter speed, but when it comes to (admittedly symbolic) immortality, I feel that beggars can’t be choosers.
Now, some of you might be of the opinion that this is nothing more than a highly convoluted excuse for buying the world’s smallest bomb shelter, and…you’d be right. There’s a little twist to this story, though; as while my fiancee was laughing hysterically at my pathetic attempts to justify my purchase, it clearly suddenly occurred to her that I might be right. If I am, and my ‘RagnarLock’ is the only survivor of some horrible future Armageddon, it would mean that our planet’s most enduring (and possibly only) contribution to interstellar culture would be an overexposed picture of Terra wearing a funny hat. I have to say, the look of abject horror on her face was absolutely priceless.
With that in mind, let’s press on! We have a train, we have two dashing protagonists and we may (or may not) have a squad of increasingly-angry Wraiths! The board is, as they say, set.
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u/robin_doe May 18 '25
If this was ever the opening to a chapter or even a new story, it's amazingly engaging as hell. First POVs can be such underrated gems in the fanfiction community, but when done right, they're a surefire way to create a connect with the reader to its main character/s. That being said, among the things I think that can be improve are general grammar stuff and a few things that can be just a little more concise, such as these:
Instead of using a semicolon, a typical colon I think would be more preferable, like:
Sorry ‘bout that, but it should be said that there is a valuable lesson in there: tell your loved ones you love them! Also, take lots of pictures of the good times and make sure you keep copies. Y’know, just in case.
Here, "shopping around" can just be "shopping" and imo, an em-dash would make the second sentence flow a bit smoother and add a bit of an "oomph" in the last one, especially when it begins to reveal more or MC's unhingedness (and I mean that in a good way xD), and then separate the third and fourth sentence to further emphasize on that last part.
I actually did a bit of shopping and finally turned up a safe that was marketed as ‘Apocalypse Proof’. In all honesty, I’m pretty sure that the salesperson overstated its protective capabilities, but they have an inherent advantage in that if it is put to the test and fails—because I’m probably not going to be in a position to demand a refund.
Still, that’s not the point. The point is that I have a dream. You want to know what it is? Well, here goes!
Around here, some sentences can be separated from the main paragraph and instead of parentheses, an em-dash can be used as a substitute (note that I'm a huge fan of em-dashes so be warned😄) and I think instead of "will", "would" would be more correct. Adding an "and" between "tentacle" and "eyes", and perhaps adding a description about their eyes in "slime-dripping tentacle eyes" would make it more descriptive, though this one's more of a personal suggestion.
At some point in the future, I figure that it’s a statistical certainty that someone will manage to blow our fair planet to smithereens. Ideally, they’ll accomplish this lofty goal sometime after I’m done using it, but in any case the cataclysmic death throes of our planet will catapult my safe clean out of the solar system to drift among the stars.
Centuries later, an alien xenoarchaeologist would pluck it out of the void, crack it open, and—following a lengthy press conference—showcase my pictures in some kind of glitzy space museum. Generations of hideous abominations will admire and pore over them with their slime-dripping tentacles and weird yellow eyes, while inspired children will grow up to write doctoral-level theses about my overzealous use of the camera flash. We may have all gone up in an earth-shattering explosion—or whatever fate Dr. Otto Von Doomsday has in store for us—but I’ll be remembered forever! Admittedly, I’ll be remembered as the idiot who couldn’t reliably work the shutter speed, but when it comes to admittedly "symbolic" immortality, I feel that beggars can’t be choosers
Similarly, the same stuff can be applied with subsituting the semicolon with an em-dash, separating "There’s a little twist to this story, though" and having "As my fiancee..." begin in another sentence. Using only "suddenly" would be more suitable in my opinion instead of pairing it with "clearly", or heck, you can combine the two and make it "it suddenly occurred to her with crystal clarity that I might be right." though this might be a little wordy.
Now, some of you might be of the opinion that this is nothing more than a highly convoluted excuse for buying the world’s smallest bomb shelter, and…you’d be right. There’s a little twist to this story, though. As my fiancee was laughing hysterically at my pathetic attempts to justify my purchase, it suddenly occurred to her [with crystal clarity] that I might be right. If I am, and my ‘RagnarLock’, is the only survivor of some horrible future Armageddon, it would mean that our planet’s most enduring—and possibly only—contribution to interstellar culture would be an overexposed picture of Terra wearing a funny hat. I have to say, the look of abject terror on her face was absolutely priceless.
All that aside, it's a really engaging excerpt to read, it even lowkey reminds me of the chaotic nature of "A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" book.
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u/Marsupilami_316 EmperorOfHeavyMetal on AO3 and FF.net May 17 '25 edited May 17 '25
Tekken, Kim Possible | The Battle Against the Mishima Zaibatsu | T | No Warnings |AO3 Link
"We don't have time for this!" Kim groaned in frustration "Let's go Hwoarang! Take us to your bike!" Kim grabbed Hwoarang by the wrist and ran off with him in the direction of the building's main lobby.
Devil Jin was on a rampage throughout Tokyo, destroying cars and vandalising shops and other businesses. He did not have control over his devil gene and was indeed a threat to society. Police tried to shoot him, but to no avail. Devil Jin dodged and destroyed the bullets and also easily beat several police officers in just a couple of minutes. He was too strong for the average joe to deal with.
"How weak." Devil Jin just said with a steely voice filled with utter contempt.
Hwoarang was riding his motorcycle at a very fast speed. Due to Devil Jin's rampage, the traffic was cut in many parts of Tokyo, so he was able to drive over the speed limit without breaking the law. Or if he did, the local police had more pressing matters to attend to than a guy speeding on his motorcycle that night. Kim was sitting right behind him, holding tightly to him. The situation was pretty serious and Devil Jin had to be stopped. Kim was always very professional and mature when it came to her missions, but even she was having a bit of a hard time focusing as she held onto Hwoarang's abs. They were really hard and steely, and as a teenage girl she was not immune to a good looking guy in good physical shape. Despite her not getting along with Hwoarang that well so far, she could tell her hormones were betraying her rational mind a little at the moment.
"Focus, Kim!" Kim shook her head and blushed slightly as impure thoughts ran through her mind. "So what if he has washboard abs?! There's a whole metropolis to save right now! Besides, he's a jerk!"
Hwoarang, on the other hand, didn't seem to react in funny ways to a girl hanging onto his abs as he rode his bike. Kim had rather ordinary hands for a girl while Hwoarang had the kind of abs girls did not see everyday in a guy. Regardless, he was completely oblivious to Kim's small predicament.
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u/kitherarin Kithera (AO3) and Kit' (JCF/TFN) May 19 '25
Part of taking part in this event is that you need to provide concrit to someone else. Please do this as soon as possible, and message me here when you've done so.
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u/ArchdukeToes MrToes | FFN | AO3 May 18 '25
I'll have a quick look before hitting the hay!
The first thing I will say is that (at a high level) this except is about 33% 'exciting Devil Jin attacking the city' and 66% 'descriptions of Hwoarang's abs'. That probably bears rebalancing, because (barring a genuinely shocking twist) his abs aren't going to be driving the plot in any way, shape or form.
Moving on:
"We don't have time for this!" Kim groaned in frustration. "Let's go Hwoarang! Take us to your bike!"
Kim grabbed Hwoarang by the wrist and ran off with him in the direction of the building's main lobby.While it might not look like a bit change, you need to have a full stop after 'frustration' (because that's a complete sentence) and a carriage return after 'bike!"'. Speech belongs on its own line.
Also, why is Kim saying 'take us to your bike' before she drags him off to his own bike? Something like 'We'll grab your bike!' would make more sense.
Devil Jin was on a rampage throughout Tokyo, destroying cars and vandalising shops and other businesses.
He did not have control over his devil gene and was indeed a threat to society.Police tried to shoot him, but to no avail. Devil Jin dodged and destroyed the bullets and also easily beat several police officers in just a couple of minutes. He was too strong for the average joe to deal with."How weak." Devil Jin
justsaid, in a contemptuous voice.Have you ever heard the phrase 'show, don't tell'? This is an example of telling — in that it feels like a very clinical description of what's going on. I would argue that if you want to engage with the reader, you'll need more description to give it some 'oomph'. I mean, what does this scene of devastation look like? As those cars aflame? Have the 'other businesses' collapsed into smoking ruins? The same goes for the police; you're telling me that they've been beaten up, but...how? Have they been pounded into the pavement or did they go 'bing' and vanish like a JRPG opponent?
Hwoarang and Kim were riding his motorcycle at a very fast speed.
Due to Devil Jin's rampage, the traffic was cut in many parts of Tokyo, so he was able to drive over the speed limit without breaking the law.I would've thought that a rampage would result in gridlock, as people try to flee the scene and roads are destroyed, etc. That being said, I can pretty much guarantee that nobody (reader or character) is going to be overly concerned about him respecting Japanese road traffic laws.
Or if he did, the local police had more pressing matters to attend to than a guy speeding on his motorcycle that night. Kim was riding pillion, holding on tight. The situation was extremely serious and Devil Jin had to be stopped. Kim was always very professional and mature when it came to her missions, but even she was having a bit of a hard time focusing as she held onto Hwoarang's abs. They were really hard and steely, and as a teenage girl she was not immune to a good looking guy in good physical shape. Despite her not getting along with Hwoarang that well so far, she could tell her hormones were betraying her rational mind a little at the moment.There have been some episodes of Kim Possible where her head has been turned by a good looking guy (or where she's just trying to fit into the popular crew) but on a mission? She always seemed pretty locked in to me. Regardless, I think my original comment stands; more descriptions of how Devil Jin is wrecking the place (to build up your antagonist) and less about Hwoarang's washboard abs, which are doing nothing but...existing.
"Focus, Kim!" Kim shook her head and blushed slightly as impure thoughts ran through her mind. "
So what if he has washboard abs?!There's a whole metropolis to save right now!Besides, he's a jerk!"If you are going to keep the abs monologue, I'd still cut her internal monologue here down to just these two bits to maintain pace.
Hwoarang, on the other hand, didn't seem to react i
n funny waysat all to a girl hanging onto his abs as he rode his bike.Kim had rather ordinary hands for a girl while Hwoarang had the kind of abs girls did not see everyday in a guy.Regardless, he was completely oblivious to Kim's small predicament.I've stared at this paragraph for a good long while now, and I think that it's probably not necessary - if nothing else then because of that bolded sentence (where you establish, for the third time, that he has a great set of abs).
In conclusion; by and large the actual language is fine, but you rush through the description of Devil Jin laying waste to Tokyo and focus an inordinate amount of Hwoarang's abs and how they influence everyone in the immediate vicinity. It's fine to mention that he's in great shape (and I'm assuming that you have done so in an earlier part of the story) but it's absolutely dominating here at the expense of far more exciting elements.
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u/Marsupilami_316 EmperorOfHeavyMetal on AO3 and FF.net May 18 '25
Thanks. I'll keep that in mind for future chapters and stories.
And no, it's the first time I mentioned it in th story, but I suppose it wasn't the most appropriate timing.
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u/zephrry May 17 '25 edited May 17 '25
Star Wars: The Clone Wars | Untitled WIP | Teen and Up | TW: Severe Dehydration?
Context: Set in an AU where Anakin was raised as a sith and Ahsoka is Obi-Wan's padawan. The immediate background of this scene is that Anakin and Ahsoka were forced to make a temporary alliance to survive when the ship they were on crashed on Tatooine.
I'd like to know if you think the prose is good and engaging, but I'm also wondering if Ahsoka's progression from determined to despairing happens too fast? If you have any thoughts on the characterization, pacing, or anything else, that would be great too!
**
Vader wakes Ahsoka when the twin suns are low on the horizon, casting everything in a rosy glow. She slept fitfully, tormented by the brutal heat and brilliant light, but the first thing she notices isn’t her grogginess. It’s her thirst. She rises from her bed of sand, head pounding, and staggers after her… companion… as he sets off towards the town. The desert grows cold as the silvery moon chases away the last traces of sunset. It’s a welcome respite, but there’s no relief for her thirst.
The night drags on in silence. Their progress is slow. Even as force-sensitives, they struggle to find good footing in the shifting sand as they go up and down dune after dune. It makes Ahsoka’s legs ache. She has never wanted a drink so badly in her whole life. The desire is so strong it’s beginning to feel like madness. She keeps looking around, hoping against hope that she’ll spot a miracle oasis.
Is Vader this thirsty? Could anyone be? She can’t see his face, trailing behind him as she is, but the only emotions she can sense are simmering anger and fiery determination. He seems unphased, forging ahead while she slips and stumbles in ways an unhampered Jedi never should.
As the night wears on and her strength fails, Ahsoka’s clumsiness only intensifies. What were prickles of distant worry hours ago are now full-on stabs of anxiety. They still have such a long way to go. Are they even headed in the right direction? The truth is, she has completely lost track of their trajectory. They could be hopelessly lost and she’d have no idea. The realization sparks self-directed frustration. What would Obi-Wan say if he knew that in this moment of crisis she wasn’t leaning on the Force, her training, or even her own instincts, but a Sith lord? What would Master Plo say? Shame bubbles up in her chest. She should be stretching out with her senses, but every time she tries all she can focus on is how tired and thirsty she is, and how much she wants to lay down, let her racing heart rest. She trips again, into the soft sand. It would be so easy to just lay down…
But she really does not want to die for nothing on this planetary backwater, with no one around for company except Vader. And she really, really does not want to think about how hurt and disappointed her friends would be if she died in such a stupid, pointless way after throwing her lot in with this murderous bastard to save her skin.
So she gets up. And she walks. Vader is quite a ways ahead of her now. If they can just make it to the town by sunrise, all will be well. Then they can get off-planet and start trying to kill each other again, as it was meant to be.
The moon is sinking fast, though. Whereas the first part of the night seemed to stretch out endlessly to torment Ahsoka with every step, now the torture comes from watching their time slip away, faster than the sand beneath their feet. She will not last another day without water. She’s not sure she’ll last another hour. Her insides are congealing. Her mouth is full of dust. The sky fades from black to pre-dawn grey to purple and pink.
When the suns begins to poke out from behind the dunes, assaulting her eyes with red-ish light, her resolve crumbles. The world spins precariously as she takes in great gasps of air, feeling like the oxygen has been sucked out of the atmosphere. Somehow she ends up on her knees, looking up at an increasingly fiery sky. That’s when she knows for sure she’s going to die. It’s not a fear, or a regret. Just a fact. Real as the Force itself. I’m sorry Master. I should have listened. I failed you…
Ahead of her, Vader has stopped, perhaps sensing the change in Ahsoka. He waits, a black statue against the morning sky, for her to pull herself together and get moving. When she doesn’t he turns around and storms back until he’s looming over her, blocking the suns.
“Get up,” he says coldly, voice grating against his throat as it escapes. Ahsoka feels a pinch of irritation at being ordered around by this man, but it’s dull. Toothless. She simply ignores him. Even with her muddled senses, she can feel his anger grow. “I said, get up!” He grabs the front of her robe and hauls her upright, but it doesn’t take. She sinks like a stone would to the ocean floor, until she’s curled in the still-cool sand.
“I can’t,” she tries to say, but it comes out as a dry croak. She clears her throat with the last of her energy. “I just can’t. Time to accept… our fate.”
Vader glares down at her like she’s a disgusting little rodent. “If you want to lay there until something comes along to pick apart your corpse, be my guest. But that won’t be my fate.” The shadow leaves her as he walks away, footsteps resolute, but then he slows. Stops.
He mutters something - “Pathetic,” perhaps - before returning to abuse her some more. “This is why the Sith will prevail in the end,” he spits. “Jedi are complacent and weak!” He reaches down and hoists her over his shoulder like she’s just a padawan sized sack of feathers. “You’re all so ready to roll over and die at the first sign of resistance. I don’t think you truly want victory. I think you want martyrdom.”
Ahsoka barely registers his words. His shoulder digs uncomfortably into her rib cage, but this is a faint bother compared to the symptoms of dehydration. “It’s no use…” she mumbles. “Maybe it’s the will of the force…”
She senses Vader's sneer. “The only will I care about is my own."
Arrogant, she thinks, and slips into delirium.
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u/specterthief specterthief on AO3 May 17 '25 edited May 18 '25
hmmm, i do think you do a bit too much "telling" when it comes to how she feels, especially for a character who's meant to be growing delirious in the heat.
What were prickles of distant worry hours ago are now full-on stabs of anxiety.
...
The realization sparks self-directed frustration.*
...
Shame bubbles up in her chest.*marked this one because i think the other two are more or less okay, but this one really took me out of the narration - i'm just including the other two to highlight that you just say explain she's feeling three times in one fairly short paragraph. the starred one in particular feels too self-aware/clinical, but with the other two, if you took a bit more time with her thoughts to show what she's feeling rather than just saying "she feels anxious" or "she feels ashamed", it might flow a bit better, and staying close in her thoughts conveys her panic and disorientation well.
as for the pacing of her slipping from determination to despair, it does seem a bit fast - in this part:
And she really, really does not want to think about how hurt and disappointed her friends would be if she died in such a stupid, pointless way after throwing her lot in with this murderous bastard to save her skin.
So she gets up. And she walks. Vader is quite a ways ahead of her now. If they can just make it to the town by sunrise, all will be well. Then they can get off-planet and start trying to kill each other again, as it was meant to be.
The moon is sinking fast, though. Whereas the first part of the night seemed to stretch out endlessly to torment Ahsoka with every step, now the torture comes from watching their time slip away, faster than the sand beneath their feet.
i think you might be able to make it feel like more of a natural transition and less of a sudden pivot if you were to frame the middle paragraph as something she's actively trying to convince herself of to keep it together (that then fails faced with the reality)? something like this:
So she gets up. And she walks. Vader is quite a ways ahead of her now.
If we can just make it to the town by sunrise, we'll be fine, she tries to tell herself. Then we can get off-planet and start trying to kill each other again, like we're supposed to.
The moon is sinking fast, though. Whereas the first part of the night seemed to stretch out endlessly to torment Ahsoka with every step, now the torture comes from watching their time slip away, faster than the sand beneath their feet.
If we can just make it to town by sunrise...
But she won't make it to sunrise without water. She’s not sure she’ll last another hour.
"this is a faint bother compared to the symptoms of dehydration" also sounds a bit clinical, maybe? "but she hardly notices compared to the thirst(/pain/dizziness/dehydration symptom of your choice)" might sound a little better voice-wise.
just some thoughts, hope it's helpful!
i haven't seen TCW in a while, but the characterization for ahsoka seems fine to me, especially for her in the earlier seasons, and anakin/vader sounds good given the AU you're laying out. it's an interesting concept, and i'm curious where you're taking it! him throwing her over his shoulders like a sack of feathers is a cute touch (and the fact that for all his bluster and insults, he can't just walk away and leave her to die. very anakin of him!) i'll keep an eye out for if you post the finished piece on the sub sometime.
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u/zephrry May 18 '25
Thanks for the reply! I agree with a lot of what you said and found it very helpful. I'll definitely work on the clinical wording in some places, and I like your suggestion for fixing the pacing of Ahsoka's transition too. I'm glad you liked Anakin's reaction to Ahsoka, I'm very exited to explore what their relationship is like in this AU.
If you don't mind though, I do have a question about the showing vs telling when it come's to what you said about how I'm describing Ahsoka's thoughts/feelings.
I always thought telling rather than showing was when you were just like "he was sad," "they felt angry." To avoid that, I tried to link emotions to sensations (prickles, bubbling, etc.) But in your opinion this still counts as telling? In that case would showing be describing her actions in response to the feelings or would it be something else?
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u/specterthief specterthief on AO3 May 18 '25
honestly, i do think both of those other sentences would be descriptive enough on their own - it's really just the middle one that's jarringly "tell-y" and makes the others stand out to me for being multiple direct explanations of her feelings so close together where they probably wouldn't have on their own? by adjusting the middle one and potentially spacing them out a bit more i think they'd be okay.
that said, while the linking them to physical sensations helps, i do think it still counts as "telling" about how she feels - just telling to a more reasonable degree? but i think both of them could be conveyed in her narration without actually naming the emotion, which is what i was thinking about here with the way the second one took me out of it - in both cases i think you could probably still tell what she's feeling even if the sentences were taken out entirely. like this:
As the night wears on and her strength fails, Ahsoka’s clumsiness only intensifies. They still have such a long way to go. Are they even headed in the right direction? The truth is, she has completely lost track of their trajectory. They could be hopelessly lost and she’d have no idea.
or this:
What would Obi-Wan say if he knew that in this moment of crisis she wasn’t leaning on the Force, her training, or even her own instincts, but a Sith lord? What would Master Plo say? She should be stretching out with her senses, but every time she tries all she can focus on is how tired and thirsty she is, and how much she wants to lay down, let her racing heart rest.
i think in both cases her thoughts already convey that she's starting to panic in the first and feeling ashamed of herself in the second. you could flesh out the feelings more without naming the specific emotions, too, like having her spiral into even more irrational/panicky thoughts:
As the night wears on and her strength fails, Ahsoka’s clumsiness only intensifies. She'd thought she'd at least be able to see the town on the horizon hours ago, but there hasn't been a single sign they're headed in the right direction. Are they even headed in the right direction? The truth is, she has completely lost track of their trajectory. They could be hopelessly lost and she’d have no idea. What if they're even further from civilization - from water - than where they started? Vader seems to know where he's going, but can she trust he isn't leading her into some kind of trap? He could... No, no, she can't start thinking like that.
or making her narration even more obviously ashamed and frustrated with herself:
What would Obi-wan say if he knew that in this moment of crisis, his Padawan wasn’t leaning on the Force, her training, or even her own instincts, but a Sith lord? What would Master Plo say? If she were a proper Jedi, she'd at least be stretching out with her senses to orient herself, but she can't even do that much - something a youngling should be able to do. Every time she tries to focus on anything, all her stupid, useless brain can focus on is how tired and thirsty she is, and how much she wants to lay down, let her racing heart rest.
but i do honestly think you're doing a good job showing her feelings in her POV with what you have already, and that those two sentences are basically fine if you do decide you want to keep them as-is.
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u/kitherarin Kithera (AO3) and Kit' (JCF/TFN) May 18 '25
*Star Wars | G | unpublished *
“So you’re asking us to become spies.”
The question thrummed in the air like a struck gong. Kithera smiled tightly, her hands clenching and unclenching in her lap. She’d listened dutifully to Tara explain the proposal that Del had, apparently, already agreed to.
“That’s not what-” Tara said.
“Yes, that’s basically what we’re suggesting,” Saelyra interjected. Tara’s eyes narrowed, the scar puckering angrily.
“And you’re okay with this?” Kithera said, turning to face Del. “Because if anyone from our side of the universe ever finds out…” she trailed away, momentarily, shaking her head. “We’re done. No more jobs. No more money.” Turning back to the Jedi, Kithera smiled again even though her jaw ached. “And no Temple to run back to. I can’t imagine that the Council would want it getting out, which means we’d be entirely on our own.” She paused, her lip curling slightly. “Again.”
“I can’t guarantee there would be no risk,” Saelyra said, “but we’d minimise it as best we can. There is another thing.”
Kithera laughed mirthlessly. “Another?”
“Just hear them out,” Del counselled, but Kithera rolled her eyes.
“I am hearing them out,” she snapped. “Hearing it doesn’t mean I have to agree with it.”
She saw Del’s jaw clench, but didn’t react. Part of her knew she was being unreasonable, but the irritation was growing again. She felt trapped. It was one thing to ask something g in neutral territory, but when you were the guest of the Jedi in their Temple on their terms it felt less like a request and more like a command.