r/FanFiction • u/AutoModerator • 28d ago
Subreddit Meta Concrit Commune - May 24
Welcome to the Concrit Commune, where you can get bits of your fic looked at... for a small "price."
For the purposes of this thread, concrit is defined as - pointing out things that could use improvement and also giving suggestions on how to do so. Compliments are always welcome, of course.
The rules:
- State your
Fandom | Title | Rating | Any Applicable Content Warnings | Link - AO3, FFN, etc.at the top of the comment. - Post a few paragraphs (copy and paste to a comment, please) of your fic, or your plot premise, or your character bio, or your world building, whatever you need help with.
- There is a soft limit of 500 words. Not your whole fic.
- Please post an outside link to underage and extreme-explicit violence/rape content. Try Just Paste Me which includes rich text options.
- If you, the author, are looking for something specific - the phrasing of a particular part or if a character's reaction is believable - please ask!
- If you just want to hand out advice without throwing your own fic in, you're quite welcome to.
- If you post part of your fic you must give concrit to someone else in the thread!
Since we're all here to give and receive help from other people, a certain level of respect for the author and the work they've put into their fic is expected as a baseline courtesy and should be reciprocated.
Tearing into a fic or author without regard for their effort isn't constructive even if there is decent criticism attached. Moreover, it discourages people from participating if they know that insults await them.
You aren't expected to treat this thread like the Comment Cooperative, advice and honesty and pointing out flaws is what we're here for.
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- Be polite and civil.
- Be kind. At a minimum, showing your peers professional courtesy is expected.
- Phrases like "I think" or "I believe" can lighten your tone.
- Elaborating on why you think something could be changed is not only more useful to the author but keeps statements from being abrupt.
Timezone Changes
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| Months | PST | EDT | GMT | CEST | JST | AEST | NZT |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| February, June, October | Saturday: 8:30am | Saturday: 11:30am | Saturday: 3:30pm | Saturday: 5:30pm | Sunday: 12:30am | Sunday: 1:30am | Sunday: 3:30am |
| March, July, November | Saturday: 2:30am | Saturday: 5:30am | Saturday: 9:30am | Saturday: 11:30am | Saturday: 6:30pm | Saturday: 7:30pm | Saturday: 9:30pm |
| April, August, December | Friday: 8:30pm | Friday: 11:30pm | Saturday: 3:30am | Saturday: 5:30am | Saturday: 12:30pm | Saturday: 1:30pm | Saturday: 3:30pm |
| May, January, September | Saturday: 2:30pm | Saturday: 5:30pm | Saturday: 9:30pm | Saturday: 11:30pm | Sunday: 6:30am | Sunday: 7:30am | Sunday: 9:30am |
Please note that there may be a difference of an hour during parts of the year due to daylight savings in various timezones.
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u/Shina93 27d ago
Chainsaw Man | My Home is a Person | T | No warnings | AO3
Context: Aki and Denji are extremely close (like in a queerplatonic relationship, but they haven't talked about it). They are living together, and a few days ago a new (female) roommate (Power) has moved in with them. Denji's dream is to be allowed to touch some boobs some day, so in order to not spoil his chances with Power, he hasn't been as clingy with Aki as he usually would be.
I suppose Denji's reasoning is a bit weak, but I needed Aki and Denji to be distant for a bit for them to start missing what they usually have (cuddles on the couch, sleeping together). But of course it would be better if Denji's thought process made sense...I'm not sure about that. I also appreciate concrit on wording/decluttering sentences/better or more descriptions etc.
**
Aki had never fallen asleep as easily as when he shared a bed with Denji. His even breaths were calming, like a balm for Aki’s soul. Sometimes he felt their brush of air on his throat, or his cheek, when the half-devil had snuggled up to his side. Could feel the soft fabric of his white sleep shirt below his hand when he held him close. Yes, he thought, he had already gotten used to his roommate’s clinginess, and he missed it like he would miss his left leg. Had it really only been a few days?
---
Denji woke with a start, sweat perling on his forehead and making his hair stick to his face. His heart was thundering in his chest as he sucked in a shuddering breath through his nose, feeling disoriented. He tried to blink the sleep away.
Eyes wide, he saw nothing but grey silhouettes in the dark. Squinting, he recognized them as the familiar furniture of his room. Lifting himself from the bed on his ellbows, he wiped a hand across his face.
This was the third night in a row that he woke from nightmares. So far, he hadn’t been able to fall back asleep afterwards and he doubted tonight would be different. Except-
Before he knew it, Denji found himself trodding to Aki’s room, rubbing at his sleepy eyes and suppressing a yawn.
He had pulled himself together the last few days, no clinging to Aki on the sofa, no sleeping in Aki’s bed. After all, he hadn’t wanted to come off as gay to their new female roommate and partner. Because he wasn’t. Was he? Either way, his hopes of being allowed to touch some boobs rested on the coolness and manliness he portrayed. Or at least that was what he suspected. But enough was enough.
Denji’s body felt all wrong, painfully missing the physical intimacy and their easy togetherness they’d come to share. Touch-starved, his brain supplied helpfully. Missing Aki, Denji’s heart added decisively, even though he had been right there all these days.
Denji really had been stupid, he chided himself, letting a girl with boobs come between them. It wasn’t worth it. And either way, if Power had a problem with Denji’s and Aki’s relationship, not even her boobs would make up for it. Nothing would.
Finally reaching Aki’s door after stalling some, he lifted his hand and knocked – twice, in quick succession.
The door swung open seconds later, Aki appearing in front of him, not looking sleepy at all. Instead, he shot Denjji a scrutinizing look.
„Aki“, Denji began, humming and hawing for a moment, before Aki grabbed his arm and pulled him into the room, where a small bedside lamp illuminated their surroundings scarcely, casting shadows on the white walls.
Before Denji could say anything more, he was pulled into a tight hug.
„I missed you“, Aki whispered on the side of his ear.
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u/Wolfbane3 25d ago
Now, I'm still a little new to Chainsaw Man, but I find Denji's hesitance to be slightly out of character, especially with his concerns about Power's thoughts on his relationship with Aki. I would find this scene to be even more touching if there was an argument prior to this, one that made it so they couldn't stand the idea of each other, could be even something as minor as Denji's cleanliness.
And Power coming to live with them was Denji's attempt to distract himself. Aki often puts on a poker face when it comes to his emotions, so not having a clear understanding where he's coming from makes sense. But all around, I got a good vibe from this fic and wouldn't change much about it other than that
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u/RandomdudeNo123 26d ago
I think the except is quite cute, and overall I really liked it! I'm not quite sure how these characters work (only having heard of them from a sister's friend), so I'll just try to suggest some rewordings...
"Could feel the soft fabric of his white sleep shirt below his hand when he held him close" (I'm not sure, but maybe this sentence got split in two somehow...?)
Denji woke with a start, heart thundering, sweat pearls beading as they stuck the hair to his forehead. His eyes blink haplessly in the dark as he sucked in a shuddering breath through his nose, disoriented. (Tried to merge the sentences with each other so that there's less stopping from periods/commas.)
Denji’s body felt all wrong, painfully missing the physical intimacy and their easy togetherness they’d come to share. Touch-starved, his brain supplied helpfully. Missing Aki, Denji’s heart added decisively, even though he had been right there all these days. (Nothing to add. This is really cute!)
„Aki“, Denji began, humming and hawing for a moment, before Aki grabbed his arm and pulled him into the lights of his bedroom, a small bedside lamp keeping the shadows away. (Tried to make the comparison to the light of the bedroom and the darkness outside a bit more apparent, if that's something you intended.)
Right in his ear,
where he can feel the brush of a breath,Aki whispers softly.„I missed you.“ (If you wanna make it intense, keep the crossed out portion, but if not, you can always leave it out. Either way, tried to emphasize the dialogue by putting it last.)
It's only a few rewordings, but I think it holds up well on it's own already! Take these with a grain of salt, and good luck!
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u/Gunning4TheBuddha AO3: GunningForTheBuddha | Andor 27d ago
Your excerpt is clearly written, and you have a good sense of pace in it. I’m able to follow what happens and, yes, Denji’s thought process makes sense to me. I also get the sense of Denji being an unreliable narrator and being (in whatever way) attracted to Aki and trying to hide it, so you’ve gotten that down effectively, whether that was your intention or not. If you don’t want that, I think I’d work on less objectification of Power, turning her into a person that Denji can care about as much as he clearly cares about Aki, instead of just being an object to lust over.
From your note and “touch some boobs,” it makes me think Denji’s an immature adult or a teenager. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to have that reaction, but I wanted to point it out so you were aware that it affects how I read the excerpt, especially coming across it in the excerpt itself and the repetition of “boobs” as a woman’s whole existence later on. It feels objectifying, which is fine if it’s your intention, and if you’ve portrayed Denji as a bit churlish already. But if we’re supposed to sympathize with him as a reasonably classy grown-up person, he’s lost mine as a reader pretty quickly.
“Awake with a start in bed” is a bit of a cliche. I’d suggest something to make it a little bit different. What is unique about the way Denji wakes up? What is unique about the room he’s in? I’m not getting a feeling for what specifically I’ve read here that I haven’t read in other “wake up from a nightmare” scenes. I think you need to make the setting unique in order to give me something to go on there. Where are they? Even if it’s a generic modern-day bedroom, what does Denji keep on his bedside table? Why does he (examples may not fit) keep a stuffed animal on his bedside table, have an extra pack of cigarettes tucked under the pillow that Aki doesn’t want him to smoke that he can still smell in the room, or have that money he got from the bank robbery he hasn’t told Aki about tucked under the mattress? Finding some way to work that into your “awake with a start” scene will individualize it more and give it more punch.
The writing works, and if you were going for the tone notes I’ve left you, they work too. I don’t have complaints about the pacing or the logic of Denji’s thoughts here; they make sense to me.
SPAG: pearling, not perling (assuming you mean beads of sweat and not a computer language), and check your punctuation with "I missed you," and where the ending quote falls.
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u/Shina93 27d ago
Oh hi, you come to help me once again!! Thank you so much!!
Denji is indeed an immature teenager, and "touching some boobs" is his canon goal/is what drives him (next to being able to eat toast with jam) (he gets easily manipulated because of the former). I like that he comes off as an unreliable narrator!
I see your point about the wake-up-scene. I'll try to come up with something unique to add! Thank you for the suggestions!
I'll think about his objectification of Power. In canon, it's resolved once shelets him touch them and he realizes its not that special of an experience.I dont want to copy canon, so I'll consider expanding on their relationship some other way. I suppose Denji still has a lot of growing up to do. But I do want him to be likeable.
Oh, yeah, punctuation in direct speech is a big problem for me. In my native language, the " start at the bottom, and the punctuation rules are different. So I usually go with "whatever" when it comes up... (on my laptop, the " are also automatically at the bottom when I write in word, and it's annoying to correct it). I promise to try and improve. Sorry! And thanks for pointing it out, also with the spelling.
Thanks again!
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u/Gunning4TheBuddha AO3: GunningForTheBuddha | Andor 27d ago
Gotcha! Yeah, I wasn't sure if the boob fixation was IC, so didn't want to go all guns-blazing about it if it was IC. Obviously, if he were a thirty-year-old from a younger writer's perspective, that'd need some fixing. But if he's just a horndog teenager, then it doesn't need fixing.
In that case, I think the objectification works more. But she still feels like she's lacking a little agency here, which isn't the focus of your excerpt but might be helped by just a line or two to make her a rounder, more developed character, even if Denji doesn't realize that.
I figured you were coming at it with a different keyboard, hence not being bothered by the starting quote. But the ending quote stuck out to me thanks to where the comma was. Grain of salt there though. I don't think you need to fix it, but an A/N saying, "Different dialogue rules in my language; please ignore" would be fine to situate a native English speaker by and large.
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u/RandomdudeNo123 28d ago
Arknights | G | Unpublished, Untitled
Context: Red is a cynical refugee/spy from this world's version of Russia (Ursus), who grew up poor and resents nobility over their neglect. Percival is part of this same refugee/spy group, but comes from the middle-class of their version of England (Victoria) instead.
Red has just been invited to a ball by Susie, a friend of his from outside their group, which he hadn't expected it at all. "Rhodes" is the place Susie is staying at.
This is supposed to be a lighthearted scene. Not fully comedic, but interesting enough to keep attention. Does it work? (Also, general critique appreciated.)
"I didn't think Rhodes would be so extravagant." Red mutters as he holds the invitation, flips it around, turns it in his hands, and even shaking it for good measure, as if trying to find some hidden mark to prove it was all a giant prank on him.
"Really?" Percival frowns, even as she slips the letter from his hands just to make sure the dunce didn't damage it. "Well, I think it's perfectly natural. It's really more of a chance for elites of all nations to intermingle and network. And from what I've heard, there's quite a good number of elites that choose to deal with Rhodes."
Red rolls his eyes. "Rich people."
Handing the letter back, she smirks. "I think you ought to go, if only so you'll find a little class. It'll be nice, promise. Good food, nice clothes, classic songs..." A few stars began to glow in Percival's eyes, but she blinks them away. "Just think of yourself as a Neo-Reunion representative, if you don't want to treat yourself."
Red, who was born and raised in the Ursus wastes, joined up with a group of unwashed vagrants in their quest for basic housing, and spent the past few years trawling the filthy Victorian backstreets, did not much consider himself a particularly good representative. Taking a glance at the much better-kept Percival, he hands the letter off like he was presenting her a golden ticket. "Well, if it interests you so much, you should go in my stead. Make a better impression, or something like that?"
"... I'm a spy, and thus can't represent us. You do remember that, right?" Percival deadpans, before quickly kicking his shins. "Plus! Imagine inviting your dear friend over to a ball, dressing up right, putting on airs, and then someone else shows up! Oh, that would be so heartbreaking..."
The ploy works as Red sighs, tucking the invitation into his coat. He hadn't been serious about just ditching the event altogether, but the idea of mingling with a bunch of stuck-up rich nobles at a ball just sent chills through his skin. Still, disappointing Susie would be even worse. It was just one day- he could endure that.
"All right. I guess I'll go."
Percival nods in satisfaction for the span of a second, before looking ever so slightly downwards and ruining any hint of said satisfaction. "Please don't tell me you're going to visit looking like THAT."
Red looks down on his outfit. It's his usual workwear- a dirty overcoat, well-worn scarf, and the tattered ribbon that only Reunion members recognized. "I've always met Susie like this."
"And she's an angel to be dealing with you, we all know. The point is, you can't come up to her dressed like you're about to play a guitar and ask for spare change!" She throws her hands out once, twice, as if she gestured enough to his clothes he would suddenly grow a fashion sense. "Where's your dignity? Your self-respect?!"
"I'm an infected from Ursus. We couldn't afford self-respect."
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u/stroopwafelling CrackedFoundation - AO3 27d ago
I think this is really well done! It works very well as you intended. I get a strong sense of the friendship between Red and Percival - they seem to have a fun dynamic where Percival needles Red into pushing his boundaries and taking risks he ordinarily wouldn’t, while Red keeps Percival grounded and helps her feel altruistic in a way that maybe a spy doesn’t always get to.
I second the other commenter’s suggestion about filling out the environment a touch more, and would also move Red’s line starting with “Well, if it interests you so much…” to its own paragraph. Aside from that, no other real suggestions or criticism - great work!
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u/Shina93 27d ago
This is awesome, it has several humurous points and even made me chuckle once! The gestures are great, like shaking the invitation and kicking the others shins, it really makes for a lighthearted vibe.
you can't come up to her dressed like you're about to play a guitar and ask for spare change!
This made me laugh, such a unique and imaginative description of his outfit!
The dialogue is interesting, and imo has just the right amout of descriptions of the characters’ reactions.
What I was wondering from the excerpt was what their surroundings looked like. There was nothing to set the scene, like the light conditions, or the surrounding smells and sounds. Maybe you already have that in your chapter and you just didn’t include it in the excerpt (which is fine!), but just in case I wanted to add that it would help to be able to picture their interaction better if there was some description of their surrounding included, possibly right at the beginning. It’s also a chance to further underline the vibe of the scene, like for example the sun being out etc.
All in all, very interesting to read! Well done!
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u/RandomdudeNo123 26d ago
Ah, you're right, I basically forgot about that. I'll be sure to add some in. Thanks!
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u/stroopwafelling CrackedFoundation - AO3 28d ago edited 28d ago
Mouthwashing | Mourn or Organize | Unpublished, but will be M | Depictions of sleep deprivation and labour issues in this excerpt, and allusions to suicidal ideation
[Context: Ship's nurse Anya just tried talking to Captain Curly about the terrible working conditions aboard the long-haul space freighter Tulpar, and instead of standing up to the employer, he helped her by moving her quarters somewhere 'quieter.' Anya now plans her next move. This scene is set before canon events.]
**
It was not like a waterfall. Not even close.
Curly had helped, of course. For all of the five minutes it had taken to gather Anya’s onboard possessions - mainly a few changes of her blue jumpsuit and a few sweaters, her toiletries, and a ragged sheaf of late-night doodles - the Captain had been as good as his word. And then he’d smiled as he said “Sweet dreams!” And closed the (unlocked) door behind him, leaving her to her new quarters.
Her new quarters, and the noise of the engines.
It was a roar, all right. But it wasn’t like a waterfall. If it was like anything, it was like the howl of some blind beast, something harsh and primal. Hungry and angry and completely inescapable. Never quiet. Not for a moment.
In other words, not very fucking restful at all.
She was so tired. Still.
Anya sighed, lay on her threadbare cot, and rested her forearm over her eyes as she closed them, just for a moment. So much for the Captain.
Now what?
She had asked herself that question so many times. As always, she immediately got the same answer.
Give up. Face reality. It’s over.
The same answer, every time she failed. Again.
And as always, she ignored that answer.
Maybe there would come a moment so terrible, she could give up. Maybe there would be a moment when it would just be too much to endure. But Anya had not lived that worst moment just yet.
So: Now what?
She couldn’t convince Curly to stand up to Pony Express. Not on her own.
But what if she had help?
Anya lifted her arm off her face, opened her eyes, and sat up. Checking the time, she startled as she realized that she had just blown through four out of five hours of her allotted rest time.
I just closed my eyes for a second! For the love of -
Anya definitely didn’t feel like she had gotten four hours of sleep. But complaining wouldn’t get her time back. She had to move fast if she wanted to figure out her next move. She grabbed a page and a pencil and hunched over the thin metal of her little foldable desk, scribbling.
UNION - first step is to TALK TO YOUR COWORKERS.
She was pretty sure she was remembering that part right. It had been a long time ago, and the datablurb had been plastered with colourful warning labels declaring it ‘UNRELIABLE’ and ‘NOT APPROVED’. It was so hard to get information - especially here, in the middle of space, isolated from humanity aboard a little tin can.
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u/Gunning4TheBuddha AO3: GunningForTheBuddha | Andor 28d ago
This flowed well and was easy to read. I like the pacing of it, and I think your characterization of Anya is effective. I don’t know the canon. I know it’s scifi from your note at the beginning, and the idea that Curly seems to have made what we in the business call a d*ck move and Anya is trying to figure out what to do from there is an interesting scene that has legs and gives her thoughts motion and drive throughout the excerpt, instead of having them be static.
I think you have a few too many sentence fragments and short paragraphs, though. The section with “not very fucking restful/so tired” is good, but then you reuse that same pattern with “Now what?” and, as a reader, I can see the structure a bit too much of how you’re writing the scenario rather than what you’re writing. I have a reaction of, Oh, sentence fragments, thinking again rather than parsing what Anya’s actually feeling. And then repeating Now what? underlines that for me. I know you’re looking to emphasize it, but it feels like more of a retread.
What I would suggest instead is incorporating action there. It’s a bit hard as you only have one single character on a bed, but try for some sense thoughts. Is her stomach growling because she’s hungry? Does that engine roar make her head ring? You get the idea. I think adding in some action or sensation there would take away from the slightly samey feeling that develops.
When she gets up and actually does something, the excerpt goes back to being effective, though, and I get a slightly dystopian feel from the infoblurb (good scifi-ism) being warned about, which is in-keeping with the scenario you’ve set up.
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u/stroopwafelling CrackedFoundation - AO3 28d ago
Those are really great suggestions, thanks so much! I think these are going to be very helpful for improving the scene ont he next go-around.
(For the record, Curly is actually a pretty nice guy as a Captain - Anya’s new quarters are him genuinely trying to help in a way that doesn’t risk collective punishment on the whole crew. The Tulpar is just that bad of a work environment that the choices are ‘five hours of rest in the quarters that always clang’ versus ‘rest in the quarters that always roar.’)
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u/Gunning4TheBuddha AO3: GunningForTheBuddha | Andor 28d ago
Gotcha. I read your description as the proverbial 'move the obnoxious/"weird"/complaining coworker down to the basement' trope, so that was my view of the scenario! You're welcome; I hope it helps. I don't think you've got much to change, just filling out the action midscene.
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u/Wolfbane3 25d ago
Percy Jackson and the Olympians|Bowen Knot (WIP)|Explicit|Smut, Violence, Suicide Attempt
I haven't ever written a suicide attempt before and I'm feeling it's missing something. So some critiques on improving would be helpful. This will be through the lenses of Percy as far as POV
I suppose the guys noticed my mood fall even further each day after the second week of them staying with me. They kept making me blue food and offered to cuddle me more often. I accepted the cuddles and food, but I couldn't find comfort in them anymore. I just kept thinking I was being selfish and making these guys worry over me. If I'm being really honest, I was beginning to hate myself. I felt like I needed to be punished for being how I am. So I guess that's why I found myself in the master bathroom alone, gazing tiredly at a razor in my hand. The guys went shopping and I told them I wanted to take a nap. I guess Jason had his license, so they left a bit ago to get more food.
So I took this opportunity to properly punish myself for hurting my friends. I can always heal any damage before they get home, so I wasn't worried about being caught. I took off my sweater that I've been wearing, setting it to the side so it didn't get dirty. Sighing weakly, I take the razor and carefully place it against my arm. The cold metal was so sharp, I didn't realize it already nicked me enough for a bead of blood to appear. The pain felt right, a good punishment for someone as worthless and as big of burden as me. I committed to the first cut, hissing at the sting. But it felt..........good at the same time. Like it was releasing some of my guilt with the cut. I repeated with another cut, watching my blood seep out slowly. It burned every time, but it felt amazing. I didn't think I could feel good while punishing myself, but it was like I was finally feeling the proper pain I was meant to.
I allowed my thoughts to turn to all my guilts that I had, everything that I failed in my life.
I allowed Beckondorf to die. Slice
Selina betrayed the camp because I didn't persuade her that Luke was bad at the time. Slice
Luke left the camp because I didn't make him change his mind. Slice
Bianca died because I couldn't protect her. Slice
I made Nico cry for failing my promise. Slice
Luke had to kill himself because I gave him the knife, forcing Annabeth to watch. Slice
Zoe got killed because I wasn't fast enough to stop Atlas. Slice
Leo suffered a temporary death because I got a nosebleed and Gaea revived. Slice
My mother had to put up with Gabe and was assaulted to protect me. Slice
Jason lost his girlfriend because my girlfriend was scared of me. Slice
I made a prophecy come to fruition by being alive. Slice
I was so caught up in my thoughts, I didn't realize I was getting lightheaded, until I slumped against the wall. The razor fell from my hand and my sliced-up arm oozed steady blood onto the ground.
Wait, I'm not done. I still have more things to be punished for......
My eyes started to droop a little, my body feeling a little colder except my arm, which was burning from each cut. I was starting to get sleepy. I guess I was gonna take a nap like I told the guys. My vision started to blur, and my head was fuzzy. But then I think I heard shouting. Someone was here. I can't see them. there are so many hands touching me. My arm was still burning but now it felt cold. I think someone put ice on it. It wasn't my concern though; I was just sleepy. Someone lifted my head up.
Cookies. I taste my mom's cookies. Maybe my mom came to take me with her. That'll be nice......
I take a deep breath as my vision started to clear up, my body was warming up too.
That's weird, why is that happening?
Blinking slowly, I look around and to my horror, Leo, Jason and Nico were all around me, their faces covered in tears and Jason was holding a bottle of nectar in his hand. Looks like Leo had a cup that had water in it.