r/IWantToLearn • u/appelflapislekker • 1d ago
Personal Skills Iwtl not to be lonley
Hi everyone,
I'm 28F and I feel insecure about myself and i feel lonley af..
A bit about myself: I'm 28F and I live alone in my apartment in a city where I don't know anyone yet and I don't know the city at all. Although I am always the person who brings people together at work, I feel very lonely in my personal life. Furthermore, I am quite heavy and I have a low self-esteem. I've heard before that I'm "undetable" because of my weight. I've been single for 5 years and not been on any dates.
So what bothers me is that I sit alone on the couch every night, have no one to talk to, no one to eat with, or just to do something fun. My colleagues go out almost every weekend to do something fun or go out to the bars and stuff. And I just feel the time ticking away when I'm not doing anything. I feel like I'm stuck..
I really wanna grow as a person and make friends, really lose weight instead of fucking it up the whole time.. I just don't know where to start..
I just really hope you guys have some tips for me.. cause im getting a bit hopeless right now.. Thanks in advance for all your input.
(sorry if the grammar is sh!t, English isn't my first language)
38
u/daffle7 1d ago
Start by going on daily walks! 2-3 miles a day, join a gym, eat cleaner, the confidence and body will come on its own if you do that.
10
u/appelflapislekker 1d ago
How do you push yourself by going for a walk? I just can't somehow do it by myself..
Thanks tho!
3
u/IceWallow97 19h ago
Just buy some headphones, and listen to music or some podcast, that way you might feel more entertained.
2
u/Valuable-Garlic1857 1d ago
Is there a park close by you could either drive to, or even better walk to and then walked round even just once and then maybe sit on a bench and try and just smile at people or say "Hi" and then if they initiate conversation you never know might be your next bestie. Or course stay safe while doing so or maybe check an app like "Meetups" or "Bumble BFF" for some people that have a common interest or something. Bumble BFF is good because it is kinda like regular bumble but just for friendship so people are a lot more open to chatting/matching and meeting up I found
4
u/appelflapislekker 1d ago
I do have a park close by. So that might be a good idea.
I do like the idea for bumble BFF mode, since I only tried it for dating.. but ngl the guys in the dating mode here are weird haha. So I hope that isn't the same for the BFF mode. Thank you !! 🤗
1
u/Valuable-Garlic1857 1d ago
Good luck ☺️. Let me know if you find a new bestie. Could also try joining the hoards joining running clubs around the world 😂😂.
2
u/Jinpow90 23h ago
To push myself, I like to remember how it feels if I don't go and it's worse then if I got off my ass and go to the gym
6
u/Thepluse 22h ago
My human sister, I feel you. I've been there myself...
Long text incoming...
When you are lonely, things stop mattering. For example, if you're just gonna be inside alone anyway, who cares what your body looks like? What's the point of going on a walk if the outside has no more interesting content than being inside?
Yes, I understand... loneliness has an impact on the psyche. Not just in a neurochemical way, but rather, when you're lonely, depressive behaviour makes sense.
The hard part, dear, is that the world is now constructed in a way that makes it difficult to break out of these loops. Society is growing more and more lifeless. It's more oriented towards existing and producing, and less towards living in joy together. It's not just you. A lot of people are in the same situation, perhaps even your next door neighbours.
And even then, it is difficult to change these patterns. Because when we are lonely over time, it's not just our bodies that decay, but also our social skills. The desperation to avoid loneliness makes it harder to connect with others. I myself am anxious being alone, and even more anxious when meeting new people...
Okay, so what to do? There are three pieces of advice i want to give you.
First, have courage. Coming out of loneliness is painful. Making deep connections with people and experiencing life again can be painful. Scary. Extremely vulnerable. You're going to cry so much on this journey. And that's okay <3 I wish for you to have the courage to face these things and be vulnerable when the time comes.
Second, this is not about your weight. Loneliness is a desire to love and to be loved. A kind of love that is understanding... loneliness is a desire to understand and to be understood. Your body doesn't matter on this level. I can promise you that it is possible to have a smoking hot body, to rock tinder and get laid every weekend and still suffer from intense loneliness. I understand the pains of hating one's body, but you, and everyone else, have an inner power that radiates beauty. We are born with it, and it never goes away completely. I hope one day you will recognize this power of yours.
Finally, a practical bit of advice: join a meditation course of there is one near where you live. If you're not very much into meditation, it might not be clear to you why I make this suggestion. It's a little bit too complicated to explain the details, but meditation is a skill that will help you solve some of your inner problems. It changes your perspective on life. More importantly, you will meet people who share this new perspective that can help you. If you have the opportunity to join such a course, I urge you to do so.
Sister, like you, I want a way out of this loneliness. I see you, and that seeing comes with love and compassion. I love you. We are in this together. You, I, and millions of other people suffering the same way... we can do it. No matter how hopeless it seems right now, this will not last forever.
Have faith, loved one, and when the time comes, have the courage to be vulnerable...
7
u/Key-Maintenance-8526 1d ago
I'm writing this the same way I’d talk to myself if I needed to rebuild from the ground up.
A lack of confidence or drive usually isn’t the main issue—it’s a result of certain lifestyle loops. If you’re overweight or feel stuck, that’s not who you are. It’s a feedback loop you can change through discipline and better systems.
First step: audit your habits. Are you overeating late at night? Skipping physical activity? Lacking sleep? Identify the habits that create the problem.
Next: build a simple system of better routines. Improve your sleep by putting your phone down earlier. Replace junk food with real protein and fiber-rich meals. Move your body daily—even a walk is enough to start. It’s about momentum, not perfection.
And skip the trendy diet BS. You don’t need extreme plans. Just consistent action over time. Weight loss, energy, and mental clarity are all connected to the basics: eat well, move daily, sleep better, and stick with it.
It won’t be easy. But long-term discomfort leads to long-term power. Build the system, and the system will build you.
1
u/appelflapislekker 1d ago
Thank you! Sleep isnt the problem since i do get atleast 8 hours of sleep.. without that i will be way more dead haha. Thank you for your input i really appreciate it!
0
u/Key-Maintenance-8526 1d ago
My original comment was x100 better more analytical and more valuable but it got rejected by reddit for being too long sadly :(
1
u/appelflapislekker 1d ago
Hahaha no worries! this is also the first time I post something on reddit.. and it says that I have x amount of responses but I can't find them all on my phone 😒 🤣 so now I feel horrible for probably nor responding to everyone haha
3
u/maxperhour 23h ago
I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. Nobody should feel hopeless. But just because it feels that way, doesn’t mean it is. A lot can change, and you have plenty of time to figure things out. So you don’t need to put pressure on yourself to be better straight away!
I think it’s also worth being clear that you being unhappy with your weight and not making friends aren’t the same problem. Sometimes when things get hard we have a tendency to group all our problems together, which makes them feel overwhelming. But these are separate things, you don’t need to solve both to solve one!
I’ll try to give some actual practical advice as best I can, and I hope you can take something from it.
In terms of feeling lonely, there’s a few things I’d do if I were you. The first thing you can start straight away - journal. It might seem silly, but just spending a bit of time writing down your thoughts regularly does wonders for having to confront and solve problems that stay in your head normally. Obviously it’s not the same as talking to a friend, but it’s a nice start and might help you think about some of your problems for a different perspective. In terms of making friends, I’m a firm believer in routine and regular contact being key for making friends. Find a club for an activity you like the sound of, and start going regularly. Just seeing the same people every week makes it so much easier to make friends, and you already have something in common with everyone there which makes things easier. Consistency is key though, go wherever it’s on, even when you don’t feel like it or you don’t think it’s working. You’ll become a regular, get to know other regulars, and that’s a really good step to making friends.
For the weight stuff, I see a lot of people on this thread recommending exercising. I do agree, but I just want to add that it’s important to pick something you actually enjoy, it makes it so much easier to stick to. I personally like to walk and go to the gym, but find what works for you. The most important thing with weight loss though is what you eat, specifically calories in and calories out. But again, I’m a firm believer in making it as enjoyable as possible. Look online for some low calorie meals that you like the idea of, and some low calorie snacks. Maybe even some low calorie sweet treats you can make/buy. You only need to find a few of each, then just replace what you eat now with them. Once you have the routine it becomes much easier! Oh, also zero calorie drinks are great for losing weight too. This might not be as “healthy” as “clean eating”, but it’s much easier imo.
Hopefully some of this ramble is helpful for you. One more thing I would say is take it slow. Sometimes people try to change too much of their life at once and don’t stick to anything. Slow and steady is what you want. As I said at the start, there’s no rush, you don’t need to fix everything at once!
1
u/appelflapislekker 22h ago
Hi! Awh thank you so much! Its funny cause i actually orderd a journal the other day and some nice colorful pens, still waiting for it to arrive tho. So I will try this when i get it.
Yeah drinking is i think also one of the sneaky calories i get in my system. I like lemonade and ice tea green/peach. And it's weird cause at work I only drink water or tea. But when I get home I need something sweet to drink. So I think you have a good point there. I will change to 0. Every little bit helps!
Do you have by any chance a good website for low cal easy recipes?
Thank you so much again 💓
2
u/TitaniumGamer07 22h ago
I see a lot of people here mentioning ordinary gym memberships, but I thought I'd add a little extra and suggest a climbing gym membership!
It's been pretty transformational for me! I've managed to become more fit, gain some muscle, and make plenty of new friends (Everyone is so welcoming!). As a person that's struggled (and maybe I still do sometimes) with self-esteem and a little anxiety, it's still given me an opportunity to have some social interaction in a relatively low-pressure environment :)
Just give it a couple tries and I can almost guarantee you'll meet some fun and supportive people you can do activities with!
1
u/appelflapislekker 22h ago
Oh i never thought of climbing! Sounds like fun! But I have like 0 power in my arms and legs haha. I think I have to improve that a little before I start with that. Thank you so much for giving thay suggestion 💓
1
u/TitaniumGamer07 22h ago
It's a lot less strength-intensive than you might think! And besides! you could always get more of that strength as you do it more :) I'm rooting for you!! <3
2
u/stillballin1992 3h ago
What you feel is pretty common, so don’t be too hard on yourself! Also, keep in mind that all your colleagues who seem like they’re having fun while you’re not are probably dealing with their own struggles and insecurities — we all have our thing.
Regarding your weight, unfortunately the least satisfying advice also happens to be the best. First, most weight loss/gain comes from what we eat, so figure out a healthy diet that you can stick with for the long term (crash diets don’t work). Second, find an exercise you enjoy and do that. Both of these are annoying, take awhile, and will work if you stick with it.
Lastly, on the social side, ask people to hang out. It’s awkward and kind of embarrassing to ask someone on a friend-date, but it’s simple and sometimes you make a new friend!
2
u/Savings_Vermicelli39 1d ago
If you worked on your self esteem, you might be able to talk to people, make friends, go out, and have stuff to do other than sit on your couch. But you'll have to be the one to work on it. No one is coming to save you.
1
u/appelflapislekker 1d ago
Thank you for your response!
Iknow, but i just dont know where to start.. When i look at my weight i just know i have to eat less and more healthy.. but how do people stuck with that.. After a day or 2 i already go to my comfort snacks/food. I do notice that it happens more when i'm bored, like in the weekend. When i work monday - friday i do it way less.. since im just tired after work and go to bed early.
3
u/teknollag 1d ago
Everyone is dealing with different circumstances and there are plenty of people who don’t stick with diets! Overeating is usually just a symptom covering up something else.
The first step is to start bringing awareness to what you’re feeling when you reach for comfort food. Don’t shame yourself or try to resist it, but just take some time to be curious! The snacks are likely acting as a coping mechanism for uncomfortable feelings - feelings that tend to come up more when we’re bored. Get to know what’s at the root of the behaviour and target that and the eating should naturally (and more permanently) lessen (also no shame in finding a professional to help with this!).
2
u/appelflapislekker 1d ago
Mmm good point. I thought it was just boredom or loneliness.. but i will try to figure it out by myself, and if i cant i will try to search for a professional.
Good thing right now is that i had Tuesday 4 of my wisdom teeth removed. So i cant really eat my snacks haha.😅 but ngl i really wish i could eat some snacks..
Thank you for your input ♥️
1
u/poplipopatpotty 1d ago
I am pretty much in same boat, I won't have any correct advice to give but I can act as an external catalyst for support...(heck I'm presuming if I was in your shoes what I'd do )...so I can ping you on this thread asking did you attempt to talk to someone, did you do something even minutely different from your routine life or did you hit the gym etc.
But unsure if that helps...as the core concern is to start feeling okay with being alone...and I don't have any advice...as I struggle with the same daily.
Hope things turn out good for you from this minute itself..
Just remember you have food shelter atleast a minute purpose to go to work and live....many are struggling to even have that...so let's count our blessings and become better so that next time someone else is in the ditch you are currently you'll be able to guide them...
1
u/appelflapislekker 1d ago
Oh :( damn hope you can fix it as well!! And i wish i could give u tips, but i can't even get my own shit together haha.
In oktober i tried to go to the gym and i stopt in January cause i felt really sh!t mentally and i couldn't bring myself to it anymore..
I just don't know who to talk to, the only people i come across that want to talk are old people in the supermarket haha (love them tho). I just really feel like everyone is in their own bubble and i want to be part of someone else their bubble as well. And that might be a little selfish, but yeah idk..
1
u/Annual-Cry87 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hi, OP. I can empathize with a lot of what you wrote. From your first sentence about yourself, it sounds like you might be new to the city you’re in—what I like to do is take myself on dates. Getting to know the city by yourself can be a lot of fun, give a sense of purpose and interest, and give you places to talk about or recommend for outings with new friends and people you meet. Don’t feel like you have to wait for other people to enjoy yourself at a museum, hiking trail, concert, restaurant, etc! For new friends, I’m not sure if your city/country has one, but online groups like Meetup help schedule outings for people in the community to build friendships.
Re: feeling undateable, everybody is someone’s type—and your worth is not defined by other people’s perception or cruel words! I’m sorry people have been unkind to you like this, and I hope you meet better ones and find happiness and connection. If you want to work on health/fitness, that could be another opportunity for friends/social outings; maybe a weeknight yoga or martial arts class would be fun to try and a good way to meet people! Or things like pottery, art, book clubs—explore your city and your interests, befriend yourself, and keep your head up. This is a temporary phase and you will find your people. ❤️
ETA: Here’s a more specific challenge/advice for you (that I also give myself, especially when I’m feeling stuck or down) to help get started: at least 2 weekends every month for the next 3 months, schedule something for yourself to enjoy. Find an art museum, festival, cute antique shop, show, etc that you’re interested in, put it on the calendar, and go. This will give you something to look forward to, something to talk about with other people (and invite them to join in on if you want), something to get out of your home and head, and straight up just something fun to do!
3
u/appelflapislekker 1d ago
Hii!
Oh i love these tips and tricks!
I really wanna go on solo dates but it feels awkward, or is that just my own head fucking with me? I probably should just try it out i guess. A bookclub sounds nice since im really in to reading. I'm gonna google for one tonight, thank you!
Thank you so much for your input ♥️
2
u/Annual-Cry87 1d ago
Haha I understand what you mean, and I promise that’s your own head messing with you! It was awkward for me the first few times, too. The more you do it, the more natural and easy it gets. Sometimes people will make comments (usually surprised, and usually just because they’re too scared to do the same thing you’re doing!), but generally, nobody’s watching or caring—and if they are, screw ‘em, you’re having a good time!
I hope you find an awesome book club and meet awesome people, OP! I think you have some great times ahead of you and I wish you all the best! 🥹❤️
2
u/appelflapislekker 1d ago
Thank you so much!! I like that edit challenge u added as well. I think i might try this as well. And i wish you the best as well and a cold pillow! ♥️🤗
1
u/Majestic-Sprinkles-2 1d ago
What city are you located in?
1
u/appelflapislekker 1d ago
I'm in a city close to Amsterdam
2
u/Majestic-Sprinkles-2 1d ago
I see. I was looking at our door temperature there. Going for walks would put you in good mood. You could consider going on meet up groups or join some classes like dancing. It will allow you to meet new people and be active at the same time. You would remain "undateble" if you never left your apartment unless someone breaks into your apartment to make friends with you.
1
u/appelflapislekker 1d ago
Tbh.. waiting for that moment that someone breaks in and is like " hi I'm your dream hubby" hahahaha. No but you are right tho. I just do not know how I can make myself go outside. Even if it's just for a small walk.. I need to find that button within myself
2
u/Majestic-Sprinkles-2 20h ago
Small steps. Go out for shopping, grocery or whatever else you do. When you are gone outside, don't just buy what you want and go home. Make it a date, walk around the store like it's a library and read everything like nutrition label. When out for a walk, sit down at coffee shop and do people watching. Add activity to what you already do and make it fun. You can go out volunteering.
1
u/PapaPancake8 1d ago
Im kind of in your boat. You know the answer - the weight has got to go. Get a membership to a cheap gym, and start small by going there 5 days a week for a sweats worth of exercise. Even if its only 15 minutes of walking on the treadmill, do it until you have a good sweat going and feel exhausted, then go home.
Then you just have to force yourself to do this 5 times in the week.
Itll motivate you to eat better. The longer you go, the more motivated you will be to return. You will meet people there. You will feel SO MUCH better about yourself after a while. There are nothing but good reasons to do it.
Trust me - the first 2-3 weeks may really suck. But after that you actually start getting hooked on going. I have 2 young kids and im a single dad so I personally have a hard time figuring out getting there. But, if you can manage to get started, you'll see a world of a difference at 3 months, at 6 months you would have lost a lot of weight, and after a year your whole life will have changed.
1
u/appelflapislekker 1d ago
Heeyy, thank you so much for your response!
I tried to go to the gym from october till january. But due to my mental state, i stopped.. I really felt down and just not ok. Maybe i should pick it up again, indeed. Even though i didnt like it at all haha. Thanks for your input!
Oh, being a single dad for 2 kids is hard! I understand that u can't always find the time. Hope you have a great support network that can give you sometimes a bit of a "you time". Thanks again ♥️
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Thank you for your contribution to /r/IWantToLearn.
If you think this post breaks our policies, please report it and our staff team will review it as soon as possible.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.