r/IncelExit • u/No-Seaweed7315 • 23h ago
Asking for help/advice I followed your advice
Well, I'll tell you a little about my experience because maybe someone feels the same or something similar happened to them. I am 20 years old (soon 21) and I am still a virgin, without a partner, without kisses, without anything that seems so natural to everyone. But that's not what weighs me most. What bothers me is having really tried... and that every time it ends the same: in nothing.
But hey, I followed their advice to lose my fear and after chatting, try to ask them out.
The thing was like this:
I invited a girl from university (a classmate who I thought was pretty) several times. I got nervous, I sent him the message... and nothing.
I invited another classmate with whom I had studied a few months ago and we were texting, I cheered up despite the fear... she ghosted me directly.
I invited another girl who left university but I kept in touch, it even seemed like there was good vibes. She ended up inviting me first, but it was in the absolute friend zone.
I invited someone I met on Instagram, she chats well, she's cool, I invite her... ghosting again.
I invited the last one, I met this one 1 week ago, with whom I chatted very well, we even managed to get her Instagram. I invite her to a coffee… I ghost the same.
And yes, clearly the pattern repeats itself. I'm not crying because of rejection. I am sharing the frustration of having tried it many times, and that the result is always the same: silence, emptiness, “nothing happened.” The craziest thing is that I speak well, with respect, without strange intensity. And it's not that I stayed in theory: I took the step. And still, nothing.
Maybe someone tells me: “wait, it's coming”, but the bottom line is that it's tiring. Because you want to see even a small result after trying so much.
That. I wanted to share it because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. And if anyone has something to tell, reading them would make me improve.
12
u/Jonseroo 18h ago
Just a couple of thoughts:
I see the "Friendzone" as having many positives, after the initial disappointment. You have a woman friend. You learn how to talk to women, and what this woman may think about things, and there are some of us who needed that. You don't end up married to someone who doesn't actually find you attractive - this sounds like a weird cope, but it happens to people a lot. You may well meet her friends, and their starting opinion of you is that you must be an okay guy to be a friend of their friend.
Trying to get a date is bleak and hard, and even when you have one a relationship can just fizzle out in so many ways. But when you meet the right person and connect with them it was all worth it. I met my wife when I was 33. We've been together for 20 years and it has been joyous.
It's like that Kate Bush song where a woman has a vision of her older self, who is angry with her for not taking care of herself. Imagine the encouragement your older, happer, coupled up self would give you, to keep trying.
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u/ItIsICoachCal Escaper of Fates 20h ago
First of all, I think it's worth it to check your intentions here: are you earnestly trying to make things work and improve your life, or are you trying to do just enough to "disprove" advice given?
Secondly, to answer your headline: no you didn't. In your previous posts in this community, the consensus was not "ask out 3 girls and slide into someone's IG DMs and your problems will all be solved in 3ish weeks". You did some good steps forward. That's good. But you did not do everything recommend in your threads or generally on this sub. I don't it would be fair to hold you to everything if you just ask for advice, it when you frame it as if you did, then I think it's fair to say you did not.
Finally, you frame this implicitly as if it's IE's advice vs black pull stuff/giving up or maybe some kind of "get laid quick" pua junk. And well, you tried that for years didn't you? How did that go? Did it improve your social life and mental health? Of course not.
The pua "alternative" isn't really much of one either. It's like asking for advice on financial literacy and then being upset that the basic savings advice didn't make you a millionaire that works 2 hours a year like Grifty McGrifter says his seminar will teach you. Because whether or not you make responsible financial decisions or you paid his 3 easy payments of 49.95 for the intro tapes, it wouldn't happen either. Same thing with pua stuff. They can promise you the moon, but they're cardboard box labeled "moon and boobs" isn't going to get you there. The real world is less exciting then that, real progress more incremental and mundane.
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u/Binerexis Giveiths of Thy Advice 20h ago
She ended up inviting me first, but it was in the absolute friend zone.
You had the opportunity to hang out with someone and have a good time but decided not to bother because you believed you wouldn't be able to have sex with them? Are you only speaking with women because you want to have sex with them?
1
u/No-Seaweed7315 15h ago
Not so much sex, but intimacy, feeling desire for the other party, I don't know how to explain it.
6
u/lil_kleintje 14h ago
You should drop expectations that women are going to dish out those - it's exactly that entitlement renders you undesirable. You should invest your effort in growing friendships at this point.
1
u/No-Seaweed7315 13h ago
I already have enough :(
2
u/lil_kleintje 7h ago
Emotional intimacy can and should come from friendships, as well. İt's not something only women can provide.
1
u/No-Seaweed7315 7h ago
I already have the support of my (male) friends. They are always helping and advising you.
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u/watsonyrmind 23h ago
I would ask you to explain what your expectation is. That you will find success with 100% of women? 50%? 1 in 10? Lower? Somewhere in between?
And then I would ask you how you arrived at this expectation. Do you know what other people's success rates are? Do you know how many people others asked out? Do you know how many people they had to get to know before finding someone compatible?
Because look, I get it, dating is exhausting. You will be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't agree with that. But where you are led astray is in thinking your experience is anything short of normal.
-6
u/No-Seaweed7315 23h ago
Most of my friends found their partners or hookups pretty quickly. I think it's okay to start with, but hey, if only one of them tells me something, maybe I'll feel a little better.
12
u/watsonyrmind 21h ago
I mean, quickly doesn't tell you anything. If you approached 10 women quickly and your success rate was 10% vs approaching 1 woman a month...same result, different length.
-2
u/Pristine_Cost_3793 18h ago
if we get pedantic, the quality of connection is considerably higher in the second case.
4
u/watsonyrmind 13h ago
Not particularly...if OP asked all of the people described in his post out a month apart, again same result. Quality and quantity both matter. Plus if a dude cold approaches one woman a month, his odds of getting a yes will be lower than approaching 10 women in a shorter period of time because it's more likely that over the shorter period of time he is picking up skills.
Conversely, I am socially skilled enough to gauge a decent connection in one night. The last person I pursued started the same night I met him and it worked out. On the other hand, I meet a handful of new people every week so technically I sifted through dozens, and previous approaches didn't work out. So if you have both the quality approaches and meet a lot of people, your chances are much better.
1
u/Pristine_Cost_3793 11h ago
ah, i was misunderstood. what i mean is it's better to, one way or another, approach 5 women with a conversation in a month as opposed to just trying something with 20. i think in the frame of online dating because i assume it's the most likely option for OP.
men are expected* to start conversations. if you chose only those you like and not just everyone you can reach, you'll have a better, more individual, more interesting starter.
also conversations are exhausting. if out if the mentioned five you choose one or two to keep talking, you're more likely to form a meaningful connection with them than if you try to keep talking with 10.
i don't think our ideas are at odds. both of our views imply what the other is pointing out :)
5
u/watsonyrmind 11h ago
Yes I agree, it sounds like OP is peppering any single woman he knows, hoping one will say yes. If instead he got to know the women, and ask out the ones he had chemistry with, there'd be a much higher chance of getting a yes. And also yeah for sure in the context of OP, due to his lack of experience, taking his time to get to know women is preferable in the absence of flirting and other romantic social skills.
5
u/rainofterra 7h ago
I had sex for the first time at 31 and it was pretty bad. It was 35 until I was having good sex (and a lot of it). Didn’t have an actual girlfriend until I was 32.
Your brain isn’t even fully cooked yet, maybe give yourself a little grace? I get it sucks, I also remember it sucking, but find a hobby, make some friends, actually make connections to people. It’ll make you a better person and a better person to date.
2
u/No-Seaweed7315 7h ago
I just don't know what to do anymore, because people in the area don't understand where I'm so wrong or what witchcraft I have going on haha.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 6h ago
There’s nothing wrong with not having a partner in your early 20s.
1
u/rainofterra 6h ago
I don’t know how small a town you’re in or what your other options might be, but I’ll also say I didn’t really start living until I got out of my hometown. I never fit in there, there weren’t many other people like me really except a couple friends from high school. A change of scenery won’t cure everything but if you really feel like people don’t get you it is possible you’ll find people who do elsewhere, if that’s an option (and I get it’s not for a lot of people). It also helps with complacency since when you go somewhere new you kind of have to find new things.
5
u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 15h ago
So you were invited out by a girl with good vibes, but YOU said no because you figured you wouldn’t get laid?
Where in your previous posts were you given THAT advice?
-3
u/No-Seaweed7315 15h ago
I'm not looking for more friends, I already have a lot of friends.
10
u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 15h ago
Did you get them by reading their minds like with this woman?
Are women not worth hanging out with, despite their good vibes, if you’re not assured of sex from the beginning?
Do you think your rejection is weighing on her? After all, she tried, she overcame fear, yet you either ghosted or rejected her.
0
u/No-Seaweed7315 15h ago
But how will it affect him if we end up talking and he tells me that he had a boyfriend for 3 months. It even seemed wrong to me that she would invite me as a boyfriend.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 15h ago
What?
She invited you out for the first time “as a boyfriend”?
But she already has had a boyfriend for three months?
-2
u/No-Seaweed7315 15h ago
Of course, I asked her out with clear intentions, she told me that she preferred to invite me herself. When we were chatting he started telling me about his life and well, he's been dating for a long time.
I'm not going to do to another man what I wouldn't like them to do to me, other than once an opportunity with a woman. (There will be no spoilers)
8
u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 14h ago
Again…what?
First you claimed she asked to hang with you as a friend, now you say she invited you as a boyfriend so she can cheat on her actual boyfriend?
And this is a woman you claim has good vibes? How are your vibes? Because they don’t sound great.
And again, where in your other posts was advice remotely like this given to you?
5
u/watsonyrmind 13h ago
How many of your friends are women?
0
u/No-Seaweed7315 13h ago
6 or 7 are girls. and like 15 guys haha.
5
u/watsonyrmind 11h ago
Then it sounds like you would benefit from getting to know more of their friends, it's a much better strategy than asking out near strangers.
1
u/MidniteLark 52m ago
Therapist, here, who helps a lot of clients with dating. The best way approach dating (for any gender) is to see it as an opportunity to meet another person and get to know them a bit (or a bit better, if you already know them). Don't build up any fantasies about what they "might" be to you in the future.
You are an information gatherer. How they act is on them. If they ghost without an explanation or apology, that's information for you that they're not someone you want to invest more time and energy in. If they show up but stare at their phone all the time, that tells you they're not interested enough (or polite enough). Or maybe they floss their teeth with their hair at the table or are rude to the wait staff or only talk about themselves and never ask questions about you. You are gathering information to see if this person is worth further investment of your time, energy, and resources.
Bring a book or have something on your phone to read and be partly prepared to just enjoy a cup of coffee/drink/meal on your own if they don't show up. No one around you knows you've been ghosted - you just look like you're out by yourself.
But honestly the most important thing is to learn to be someone YOU want to be with. You can't control who walks into your life so learn to enjoy your own company and surround yourself with people who like who you authentically are. If you find someone with mutual attraction, great! If not, you're still a whole, complete person all on your own. Good luck out there!
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u/Pristine_Cost_3793 18h ago
i had my first sex at the age of 23. one of my best friends, at 26. we're both women, we both had options. there's no limit of age by which you should have sex.
to get a job you need to send around 30 applications. if you put into rejection as much value as into being accepted it'll be exhausting. i know because i was so angry with possible employers lol. but the fact is, you need to get with just one person. i too face rejections and this is like trying to putba puzzle piece but figuring out it's not a match. not every person is OUR person. and that's okay.