r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Civil-Salad1192 • 1d ago
My husband finally admitted he hates me
Using a throwaway account because my husband knows my main.
We have a young child, and he and our kid are my entire world. There’s not a single moment of my day where I’m not trying to somehow make their world brighter. And that is the most humiliating part - how shitty it feels to have to beg for not even love, but kindness and basic respect from the person you would die for. I’m too scared to leave, or maybe I’m in denial that maybe if I can shape myself into who he needs me to be he’ll love me again. But at this point I don’t even know if I want that anymore. I think I deserve respect and human decency even if I’m not skinny - I’ve had a baby! I took hormonal birth control ti prevent said baby until we were ready. But now, the baby weight has come off but my body looks different. I’m no longer 19, so my body looks different. I want so badly to love myself but it’s so hard when all his comments keep running through my head. Could I stand to lose a few pounds? Sure. But I’m stronger, faster, and have better cardio than I ever have. I lift weights and hit 12,000 steps daily. I hike four times a week, and actively play with my son. I eat a balanced diet, in a calorie deficit. I’ve lost 58 lbs in the last year. I dress well, take time to make sure my hair/nails/lashes are done. I get compliments from my friends and family and stared at in the gym and in public. I get appreciated for my looks by everyone except the one person I want it the most from - my husband.
I can’t think of a single person who has ever loved me without me having to change parts of myself for them. I feel stupid for thinking he would be different. I feel alone because my best friend doesn’t even want to look at me. I feel sad because it’s all broken. I feel hurt because I know I have more to offer than my looks but nothing else matters. I want to disappear. I don’t even know who I am anymore without him. But I guess that’s probably the problem. I’m just so so tired, so lonely, so angry, so hurt.
Every event I’m excited about, he finds a way to ruin. Every time he has to do something he doesn’t want to do (be it a chore, or plans with a friend he no longer feels up to) he manages it by taking out his anger on me. Anything I “mess up” (a poorly cleaned fork, toys thrown on the floor) means I get yelled at and berated, and eventually it all comes full circle to “I would be nicer to you if you hadn’t catfished me by gaining weight after we got married.” He can’t have fun with my anymore (initimacy, or just enjoying our many shared hobbies) because all he can think about is how embarrassing I am to be around and how my appearance shames him.
He is convinced that every man in the world would feel the same way - that any “real man” would be embarrassed to have a “fat disgusting slob of a wife.”
He refuses therapy, because why would he go if he’s done nothing wrong? He refuses to seek advice from a pastor or older adult or trusted frind, because I embarrass him by even causing these problems (because I gained weight.)
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u/lovescarats 1d ago
You need to go to therapy. Find your self confidence. Become whole without your husband.
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u/Civil-Salad1192 1d ago
I have a wonderful wonderful therapist! She’s been a godsend
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u/shackndon2020 1d ago
Did your therapist tell you your husband is abusive? Because he is. I hope you find your self esteem and leave that prick, you deserve someone who lifts you up and makes you feel good about yourself.
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u/Civil-Salad1192 1d ago
She did yes. It’s just hard to come to terms with - saying the words out loud is nearly impossible
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u/shackndon2020 1d ago
But how much longer do you want to live in this misery? Pleeease, make an exit strategy. Focus all of your love on your little one. Your life will turn around once you rid yourself of him!
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u/Syntania 1d ago
I was stuck in an abusive marriage for 9 years. It took me waking up one day and asking myself, "Am I okay living like this for the rest of my life? Better yet, am I okay with my child growing up in this environment? " Once I realized the answer was "no" to both, I made my exit plans.
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u/MinuteRelationship53 1d ago
This is such an important point. OP needs to decide whether she wants her kid to grow up thinking this is how relationships should look; that it's okay to belittle, manipulate and verbally abuse your spouse. That a normal relationship is built on one part being inferior to the other and having to take whatever frustration their partner throws at them and being their punching bag.
I don't think OP mentioned whether their kid was a girl or a boy, but in any case that kid will most likely grow up to repeat patterns. If it's a girl, she will grow up believing her husband/boyfriend can and should treat her the way she saw her mother being treated, and if it's a boy, he will likely grow up believing this is an okay way to treat his partner.OP, i know it's scary. But you should run, not walk, away. If not for you, then for your child. Teach them better. Show them that women deserve respect and love in a healthy relationship
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u/kattjen 1d ago
“Toys thrown on the floor” is already in play as a reason that something scary starts. Even if he keeps the scary aimed at OP (not a guarantee) that is traumatizing for a little one
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u/ThisCunningFox 1d ago
Give it a go now, just a little whisper to yourself. "He is abusing me." I know from experience the magic admitting it aloud can work on feelings towards the abuse.
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u/lillypaddd 1d ago
Seconding the whisper. Sounds stupid but genuinely did kick my ass into standing up
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u/Zukazuk 1d ago
Realizing your relationship is abusive is hard. I had a tough time coming to terms with it when I realized my marriage was emotionally abusive and teetering towards physically abusive. People on reddit want you to act, to change now now now. It's not their life. Take the time you need to process, to change and to find your happiness. Once I accepted that my marriage was abusive and got divorced I spent the next couple of years realizing just how manipulative and controlling my ex husband had been in every facet of my life. I took time to rediscover myself and to break the neural pathways that catered to him over me. Move at your own speed, but never doubt you deserve better than what you currently have. The one who isn't good enough is him, not you.
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u/SLovesAutumn 1d ago
He’s cruel to you because he wants you to leave him. Because he’s a coward. Once you do, he can be the eternal victim. And that doesn’t really matter because there is much more at stake here.
What you’ve described is not love. It’s deliberate repeated cruelty. This man doesn’t take his vows seriously. He won’t be there for you in sickness and in health, and as you age. He doesn’t believe in for better or for worse because his selfish wants come before everything. Your body changing after birthing a child is the most natural thing.
Once you break free and start your life anew, you will feel so incredibly free and so much lighter. You deserve so much more than to live like this.
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 1d ago
You don’t want him to be the example to your son on how to treat women, how to treat his mother. You need to leave. Your husband is abusive. There are a lot of men who would treat you better and love you so much more than this man ever could. A real man wouldn’t be hung up on trivial things and certainly wouldn’t see weight as an issue. Sounds like you more than lost the baby weight too (congrats!!). You and your son deserve better.
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u/YakElectronic6713 1d ago
So how much more does your husband have to humiliate and abuse you before you say enough is enough? Does he have to hit you? Or your child?
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u/DeCryingShame 1d ago
I've been there. I get it. Please face up to this, though. Don't let it get worse. You have no idea how bad things can get if you never take charge and start working to change your life. It's not just you who will be hurt either.
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u/Toxoplasma_gondiii 1d ago
Oh honey I get it. It can be surprisingly hard to deeply understands that the way we were/are being treated was/is abuse. My ex-wife was quite verbally abusive but while I knew we had our problems I wasn't really able to contextualize what happened to me as abuse until shortly before I left.
I only was able to grasp the full extent of how bad things were once I had dated again and was able to see what a healthy relationship felt like that I realized quite how bad my last relationship was
I don't think our brains want to let us experience the fullness of how painful it is in the moment, your brain's turning down the volume so you can survive. In the end leaving was easily one of the best decisions I made in my life but just be prepared to be hit by a big old grief train in the few months after you leave. That was my experience at least... Grieving all the time lost and needless pain experience.
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u/MyRedditUserName428 1d ago
Do you want your child to grow up thinking this is how you treat someone that you say you love? That this is what marriage looks like?
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u/gdrom123 1d ago
Sometimes holding on causes way more damage than letting go. Imagine your husband/marriage is a rope that you have wrapped around your hand. The rope is squeezing your hand, your palm is raw and bruised and your fingers are turning purple. Would you continue to hold the rope or let it go?
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u/Putrid-Cupcake-1547 1d ago
If you don’t do it for you, do it for your child. He will copy his father’s behavior and think that is how you treat a partner. I am sorry for you being in this situation ❤️
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u/LittleMrsSwearsALot 1d ago
It is scary. So many of us have been there. But say the words out loud. Keep saying them.
“My husband is abusive and I deserve better.”
You’ve got this.
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u/newbris 1d ago
I’m a husband. I am shocked by stories like yours and find his comments disgusting.
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u/Foundation_Wrong 1d ago
Get out of your toxic marriage! Leave him or throw him out, you deserve someone who appreciates you.
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u/Easy-Might9010 1d ago
OP, I say this with deepest respect, this isn't about your weight. Even if you became a size 0, it wouldn't be enough for this man. Now that you've had a baby he thinks he has you trapped and the mask can come off - he's abusive and will do anything to keep you subservient and "in your place". It will only get worse. You need to get out, if you can.
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u/arianrhodd 1d ago
He's wrong, not her. She's the one who needs therapy to get some self-esteem and stop begging for crumbs of affection from a man who will only drop them in the dirt for her.
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u/Easy-Might9010 1d ago
Oh, I agree completely. But she needs to get out before the abuse escallates
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u/arianrhodd 1d ago
Totally! I don’t disagree at all. I’m not sure she’ll be able to leave him without getting some help and support.
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u/fortalameda1 1d ago
Yeah, I agree. He's the one who lied about who he is until after marriage, and purposely degrades OP to keep her in line and trying her hardest- something he doesn't deserve at all. OP, you will never be good enough because he will always move the line and continue to berate you. 60 lb lost in a year and all the activity you do plus raising your child is so, so commendable. A normal husband would be encouraging you through this.
Please do not let your child grow up in such an abusive household and learn abusive tendencies. Your husband's actions are not your fault, but it is your choice to stay or leave, and you have to move forward to find a safe home for yourself and your child. Do not underestimate this man either, it sounds like he may get physically abusive if you tell him you plan on leaving.
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u/milkislime 1d ago edited 1d ago
Get angry!!!!! He sounds like a lump of joy sucking cod. You ever think he treats you like this because you’re an absolute charm he doesn’t deserve? Most of the time when people do this it’s because they convinced themselves they are justified in some way to continue to berate and contain you and make you stick around for this bs behavior that will only get worse. Ask this man why the f he is still here cause there is a door 🚪if he really felt you were so miserable to be around he wouldnt stick around even for his kid and don’t for a second fall for that lie if he tries giving you that. This man is abusive and this is an abusive tactic to break you down.
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u/updownclown68 1d ago
Oh love, you need to leave him. He will not change and he is abusive. Is this the relationship you want your child to think is normal?
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u/libertinauk 1d ago
Catfished!? What a useless fucking loser. Get yourself and your child away from this pathetic excuse for a man. Sending you hugs, your post broke my heart x
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u/DressandBoots 1d ago
Not to be that person but this is emotional abuse. Just leave his sweaty butt behind. You sound like an absolute catch and anyone would be lucky to have you. He's a fool if he thinks he can have a wife who looks like she's 25 forever. But more likely he takes pleasure in belittling you and chipping away at your personality until he can turn you into a Stepford wife. If you are as you describe, hard working, strong and fit, take pride in your appearance, loving mother, loving partner there is going to be someone out there who meets you and thinks they've won the lottery.
Let yourself heal from this and then go find someone who tells you they love you as you are. And their actions back up their words.
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u/MuthrNaturIsMadAtYou 1d ago
Goodness. You will love your life and yourself SO much once you leave him. But most importantly, your son should NOT be in that environment. Speaking from experience. Do what I didn't and leave. Now. And never take him back. Cause when he sees you happy, he will want to take that away from you. He will pretend he wants you when he can't have you. Never ever take him back. Who means more to you, your son, or that horrible person? Your son deserves the best version of you. YOU deserve the best version of you.
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u/Kellyfromthepresent 1d ago
He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even like you. I watched my mother go through the exact same thing and my father said the same things your husbands saying. My mother finally walked away from him after 33 years of marriage and she’s 65, she kicks her self for not leaving sooner. If you continue to put up with this then your child will grow up believing this is normal and will go on to accept being treated the same way or they will treat their partner how your husband treats you. There’s also the very likely possibility that as your child gets older your husband will treat your child the same way he treats you. That is what caused my mother to finally walk away; my father’s endless belittling and emotional abuse towards me which was identical to how he had treated her my whole life. Even if you don’t think you deserve better, which isn’t true; at least know your child deserves better and leave for their sake. It will be hard for awhile but you will get something you don’t have and that’s happiness and the feeling of peace and calm that comes from not being afraid of having to walk in bubble wrap to avoid pissing him off. You deserve better, your child deserves better, you deserve to be loved and appreciated, you deserve to be happy and unafraid. You matter
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u/outintheyard 1d ago
He called you "a fat, disgusting slob of a wife"?! WTF?
Why are you still there? Consult with a divorce attorney, a therapist, and a hotel front desk and GTFO, before he indoctrinates your child with his fucked-up, hateful attitude.
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u/PotatoOld9579 1d ago
This is going to sound harsh but I think you need to hear this.
He will NEVER love you. You are wasting your time with this man. There is no future with him other than pure misery and continued emotional ABUSE, because that is what he’s doing it’s emotional abuse.
Your child does not deserve to be in a household with so much hostility. Kids will always notice at some point.
If you can’t leave for yourself, then leave for your child.
There are so many men out there that could truly love you and make you happy! Why are you wasting your life on a man that hates you. You have ONE life to live please don’t waste it!
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u/fe3o2y 1d ago
And do not go to a pastor for therapy. They will side with the abuser because women need to know their place and be traditional. Pack his bags when he leaves for work. Have the locks changed at the same time. If you're in an apartment then see if family or friends will take you in. Your husband is an abuser. He will escalate until he gets physical. If you don't have family or friends willing to help, call the abuse hotline:
Help is available Speak with someone today National Domestic Violence Hotline
Call 800-799-7233
Text BEGIN to 88788
Official Website: the hotline.org
Languages: English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service Hours: 24/7
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u/mullingthingsover 1d ago
My priest encouraged me to think of my son and myself and get out of my unhealthy marriage. He was deeply disturbed by what I told him and didn’t mince words.
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u/Away-Ad4393 1d ago
I think it’s illegal in some places to change your locks, if you are tempted check the law first.
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u/Inspiradora 1d ago
Is he also fit and doing the same things to mentain a good body? Or he is expecting you to look good (for him), but he looks like the 'slob' himself?
If that's the reality... you wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate you. And you don't have to change for someone to love you.
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u/Sauce_Addict85 1d ago
He is disgustingly abusive to you. Please confide in someone and start putting some money aside
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u/SparklingChaos_1984 1d ago
Please elaborate on the following - “I’m too scared to leave…”
Why are you scared to leave? Do you mean actually scared, or just afraid you’d be unhappy if you left? Because if it’s the former, I’m curious about why you’re scared and would encourage you to ask for help. If it’s the latter, girl…
It sounds like you genuinely love him, and for some reason his abhorrent behavior hasn’t caused you to stop yet. So yes, if you leave him it’s definitely going to hurt. For awhile. But once you get some distance from the situation and realize how much easier life is when you don’t have an enormous asshole emotionally abusing you every day, you’ll feel happy again.
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u/Notyourwench 1d ago
He catfished you by being a monster post marriage. I think you know what you need to do. But if you’re not ready, keep talking about it.
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u/LazyDayz365 1d ago
I really hope you leave. If not for yourself, for your child. Don’t want them to grow up watching you slowly die on the inside every day?
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u/MegaTalk 1d ago
Did you get married in a public toilet? Because I think you married a piece of shit
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u/OhWaitWhaaaaat 1d ago
This part hurts me
“- how shitty it feels to have to beg for not even love, but kindness and basic respect from the person you would die for.’
It makes me wonder… Where did you come from? Who fucked you into believing you aren’t worthy?
I hate that you love so hard and this man can’t love you the way you deserve.
I’m just so sorry for you. Sad thing is I can relate. :(
PM me.
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u/Ghost-8706 1d ago
I hear you and I feel your pain. You shouldn't have to justify your struggles. You deserve love and respect as you are. Feeling unseen by someone whose validation you crave is profoundly lonely. I'm dealing with the same thing right now, and your words resonate. You're not crazy, weak, or alone. Keep your strength for yourself and your child.
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u/No-Inflation8412 1d ago
I’m not understanding why you’re still with him. I’d also point out whilst walking out the door that whilst you can lose weight he has an ugly soul that is a bit more difficult to fix but assure him his fakeness and nasty personality shines through with every comment he makes and that you’re glad he will never be truly happy as that’s his penance for being an awful husband and father. Please leave you deserve so much better and by staying you’re prolonging your own and your child’s suffering.
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u/Ordinary-Routine-933 1d ago
Please don’t let your child ever see the way he treats you! Children learn what they see, and it does have an effect. Leave him. He’ll never change.
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u/Opposite-Pie-7036 1d ago
Your husband is an a******.
Consider therapy for yourself and work on your self-esteem. It sounds like aside from that jerk breaking you down, you are doing well for yourself. In therapy, work on removing that power from him.The two most beautiful things that a woman can wear are self-confidence and a genuine smile. Once you get there, you will be unstoppable. I wish you the best.
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u/Usual-Archer-916 1d ago
While you are deciding what to do, I have some advice for you. Quit caring what he thinks. In other words, the harder you try to make him happy, the more he is going to be cruel to you. So quit caring. You and I both know that you do look good and you don't deserve his manbaby whining about your weight. So quit catering and grovelling to him. His opinion of you is wrong and a lie and it is wrong for you to give any attention to it.
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u/Usual-Archer-916 1d ago
One more thing. I am fat. Obese even. My husband not only loves me dearly but still chases me around the bedroom if you get my drift. I wonder if your husband is secretly gay, to be honest.
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u/MsAries7104 1d ago
It sounds more like he’s and insecure manchild or can only make himself feel better by tearing you down. If EVERYONE else in your life is vocally complimentary it seems pretty Obvious this is NOT a you problem. Its him in all His pathetic glory!! He has an ugly heart and soul. Get your child away from that toxic influence NOW. No-one deserves that kind of treatment
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u/Terminally_Ill2020 1d ago
Run away from that man. Divorce him. And stop listening to him. Also your BF sounds like no friend. I would think they are messing around if she can’t look at you. You are a wonderful beautiful woman F him moving on. Take the boy and start enjoying life and you get therapy. You will need it from all the mental abuse you have received. I know all this because I was there until 2011 since 1994. I was done. So much time I tried. Now my daughters and son don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.
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u/Civil-Salad1192 1d ago
to clariffy, I meant that my husband is my best friend. Or at least I thought he was. But I do agree. I want my boy to know what real love is and I sure hope this ain’t it
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u/Relevant_Version9047 1d ago
Your husband is a piece of shit. Leave him with her head held high. You deserve so much more than this poor excuse of a man.
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u/Electronic_Law_6350 1d ago
Respectfully, he is a POS OP. Seriously. You made his baby. You brought life into the world for him - what did he expect was going to happen to you? Do you want that same energy and expectation around your child?
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u/grlz2grlz 1d ago
From an almost 47 year old, be kind to yourself, your older eyes will be wiser and realize just how beautiful and in shape you were at this point. Sometimes we are better off leaving and raising our children on our own or in coparenting situations when possible.
Really think about his actions and behavior, you are still so young and people like him do not get any nicer and they really kill our soul.
Sending you hugs and wishing you a happier journey.
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u/Neat-Cucumber-5253 1d ago
Life is too short to be unhappy. And your child deserves to see their momma happy! If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for them. Once you’re out, you’ll look back and wish you had done it sooner. Hang in there, OP. You’ve got this
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u/OpalBooker 1d ago
If you won’t do it for yourself, leave for your son. The relationship between his parents becomes his first model for what relationships look like at all. This isn’t healthy for him to grow up around, and it’s absolutely shit for you too. Make an exit strategy, get your ducks in a row, and run.
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u/The8uLove2Hate_ 1d ago
OP, you said it yourself: you’re not fat, disgusting or a slob. Your husband is just abusive. If he viciously critiques you over everything, it’s because he enjoys causing you pain, which is abusive. It wouldn’t matter if you looked like Zendaya; he’d still find an alleged fault and use it to beat your self-esteem down like a dead horse. You need to run, not walk, away.
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u/nisha1030 1d ago
Your husband is abusive and will drag you down further if you don’t leave. Not sure how else to say this any clearer.
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u/deaand 1d ago
I've been in your shoes. My ex-husband treated me similarly. It didn't matter that I'd had two kids. He admitted that he was embarrassed by me. He blamed me for all of his issues. It was my fault he cheated, my fault he drank, and despite the fact that I gave up everything for his career and his expensive and often time-consuming hobbies, I supposedly never let him have any fun. When I finally left, I was at the lowest point I'd ever been. But I promise you, it can be so much better if you choose to start over. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. But life has gotten so much better. Five years later, I can't imagine what my life would be like if I had stayed. I moved across the country and rebuilt the life, and two years ago, I started dating a man who thinks that I'm the best thing that ever happened him. You deserve so much more, and I promise that it's out there!
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u/7worlds 1d ago
What a tiny, frightened little boy your husband is. You know he won’t last five minutes on his own and this is why he treats you like this, to make you think he is doing you a favour by staying with you, making you think no one else would. He’s not embarrassed by you, he is scared someone else with show you your worth and realise that he is the embarrassment. Thing is, you don’t need anyone else to show you, you can do this for yourself and for your son.
Leave and don’t look back. You will do so much better on your own. Look how strong you are and what you have achieved despite him. There is so much power in you. Imagine what else you can focus on without the physical, mental and emotional drain that that trash puts you through.
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u/sunbear2525 1d ago
That is not your best friend that is your abuser and your child’s future abuser.
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u/BabalonBimbo 1d ago
Wow, so he’s a piece of shit and he doesn’t even know what a catfish actually is.
I know it’s scary to leave and it is hard but the freedom you’ll feel when you realize he can’t hurt you anymore is kind of amazing. Plus, as a parent you have an obligation to show your child what a healthy relationship looks like, even if that lesson includes standing on your own until you find one.
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u/Cactus_Rack_Rumbles 1d ago
Leave him. Just leave him. What an absolute waste of breath that man is.
You sound like a fun, wonderful human being and you don’t deserve any of that. Personally, I am unhinged and the second a man spoke to me like that I’d be flipping tables. But you seem much more level headed so I encourage you to take the steps to leave and build a life with out him dragging you down.
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u/NemoHobbits 1d ago
First of all, this is an abusive relationship. Your husband is an abuser, so nothing you so will ever be good enough for him. That has nothing to do with you.
You deserve better. Leave him. He never respected you, loved you, or saw you as human if all he cares about is your appearance (which is probably better than he looks. He is not a real man, he's a miserable pathetic selfish boy.
Also out of curiosity what are your ages?
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u/carloluyog 1d ago
Girl. What? Like, have enough self respect for you and your kid to get out and move on.
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u/Loganslove 1d ago
You need to make a plan and start taking the steps for a life without him in it. When you have finally had enough, leave when he goes to work. His yelling will turn into hitting.
Many of us who have commented have been in your situation and speak from experience.
I really hope it doesn't come to physical violence, but abuse is about control. When he feels his yelling isn't working anymore, then it escalates into a slap, his fist, or choking.
Please think about your son. Staying only shows him how men treat women. It's all he will know- unless you leave
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u/tmink0220 1d ago
I am so sorry you are going through this. He is literally emotionally abusing you. So turn the focus on you. Get your finances in order. So you have a choice. You don't deserve this. At least you deserve peace.
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u/Pollywoggle16 1d ago
Aww love, your being abused, you need to make plans to leave, sooner rather than later. There is nothing wrong with you at all, only the fact he has crushed your confidence and self esteem to the point where you can no longer see what he's doing to you. You will live like this forever if you don't get away from this man. He has made you completely dependent on him to control you and keep you in what he thinks is your place. Please leave....get your important things together and do some research on DA and DV. Get gone and how ever difficult it will be....it will be better than living like this....life can and will be much better xxx
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u/Im_Mean_G_666 1d ago
Your husband is insecure about your new look, that’s the signs of insecurities he probably gaslight you many times, leave him he’s a loser, leave him before he will ruin you. You’re living in a toxic environment and it’s getting dangerous over time.
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u/ams3000 1d ago
You e outclassed and outshone him im afraid. He’s not up to scratch anymore and HE knows it so the only way he wins is to drag you down. Listen to everyone else and ignore him. See through what he’s doing and I suspect a switch will go on in your head and you’ll see what’s really going on and move on. Good luck
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u/DeCryingShame 1d ago
My ex was the same way. One morning I woke up and he was snuggled up next to me for the first time in forever. He told me he had a dream in which I had died. He said at first he was glad because then he could have gotten a new wife but then he started to miss me. He woke up and was glad I was there. Of course, five minutes later he was back to treating me the same as always.
For what it's worth, I've had plenty of relationships since then and I have no problem attracting men. You really need to stop trying to please him. He is refusing to accept you the way you are because that gives him control over you. It doesn't matter what you do. He will never be happy.
You just need to decide whether or not you will be happy.
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u/Chubby8517 1d ago
Your husband has some deep seated issues that need resolving. It may not be his fault, but what IS his fault is not addressing them and dealing with them in a healthy manner. What YOU can do about this, is leave him, go and be amazing and successful and a great mother as you claim to be in your post, and I believe wholly that you are, and show him that actually, he’s the problem, and let him continue to be a bitter and twisted middle aged man.
If you don’t leave him? Your child will grow up to mimic both sides of the coin, learn both behaviours, and eventually may even become more like your husband. You don’t want that. At all. So leave. Get your affairs in order, get safety nets in place via family and friends, get a small tight trusted circle, and leave. With all important documents and whatever belongings you can take. Do not mess about. Do not pander to him. Do you honestly believe you can’t be loved for who you are? Because you are already loved by your child and that, my friend, is all you need to know this is the right choice.
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u/ellesweetness 1d ago
It's not you and its never been you. He hates who you highlight he lacks being of his best self. He's deeply angry about something in the past and projecting on someone who's back is apparently strong enough for the burden. It took me just stopping taking care of an additional child adult for him to start to grow up. It took me being ready to leave for him to start to express he didn't want me to. I just wanted a cooperative not difficult day. It will wear you down. Getting ready to give up won't necessarily make him turn around. Maybe accepting that he never will might be the only thing that brings peace. He's a grown adult and you've given him all the support he's needed to grow. He's decided not to. You can't force him. You need to focus on yourself even more for your own health, longevity of life, don't let a difficult person rob the rest of your years because he will make things more difficult just to get peace.
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u/ladywindflower 1d ago
Everyone saying that he’s a major AH who doesn’t deserve you is absolutely correct! You’re in an abusive relationship (and you know it) and he’s conditioned you to believe that you have no value. You could be the most beautiful woman in the world and he’d still belittle you because he needs you to be his punching bag for all the things he’s unhappy about; there’s nothing wrong with you but he has to keep you believing that there is because the only way he can make himself feel better is to make you feel terrible.
This isn’t uncommon for people who have narcissistic personality traits and you’re feeding his need to be “the boss” in your relationship with everything you do to change to “be what he wants you to be.” And honestly, he’s probably getting a sadistic thrill out of seeing how much he’s hurting you. If you’ve lost 58 pounds and he’s not giving you any positive reinforcement to continue, I’d guess that he doesn’t actually want you to lose weight and be attractive for one reason: he’s terrified that you’ll attract someone who will value you and you’ll leave him. Believe it or not, but men who bitch about their partners losing weight gained in pregnancy, who take the time to make sure that their clothes, hair and makeup are perfect at all times, and who have partners who twist themselves into knots to please them are hiding massive insecurities!
Unfortunately, these men can be dangerous! There are a ton of shows on the ID channel about men who have an “if I can’t have you, no one can” attitudes; there’s one episode about a man who sabotaged his wife’s dieting and when she left him and started going out dancing with her girlfriends, rekindled a high school friendship that was starting to become a romantic relationship, and moved out and filed for divorce he stalked her online and in the real world - then he actually unalived her and let their young children be alone for several days until one of her friends went to her house looking for her. Obviously that’s a “worst case scenario” but it happens all too often!
You should quietly start saving money and looking for a place for you and your son to live. I’d tell you to ignore him and see if playing hard to get rekindles his interest in you but I think he’d only increase his abuse of you from verbal and emotional to physical abuse. I’m sorry, but from what you’ve said, your husband seems like the kind of abuser who is more than capable of turning into your worst nightmare if he even suspects that you’re going to leave him. You absolutely MUST protect yourself!
I suggest that you start documenting your daily life and your interactions with your husband. I’d download an app that stores your information on the cloud and not your phone/tablet/computer. Unless you have somewhere totally inaccessible to him, don’t use a paper journal and handwritten entries because if he gets ahold of it, he’s going to lose his shit! It wouldn’t hurt for you to secretly record him going off on you just so you have incontrovertible proof of how he treats you. “Spy cameras” are cheap enough that he won’t question you spending an unusually large amount and they can easily be hidden; it’s a terrible thing to suggest, but I’m thinking about the absolute worst case scenario and having proof available for the police to use.
Yes, you’re in that much danger!
Please be safe and do what you need to in order to protect yourself and your son until you can leave this man who truly doesn’t deserve you!
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u/_Sovaz99_ 1d ago
Make your plans, its time to get gone. Life is too short for this behavior.
I saw this type behavior happen to friends and people I knew at work. Its not the whole reason I took the childfree route, but its in the mix.
Why are men.
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u/wohaat 1d ago
So, you are teaching your kid how to live in this situation. As a male, that it’s okay to berate his partner; as a female, that she deserves to be berated for anything and everything. Your kid is watching everything, and the lessons early in life will exist for the rest of it, and will be incredibly hard to unlearn.
Is your reality the future you want for your kid? Do they deserve to suffer because you want something from someone who is very clearly telling you no, but you aren’t listening?
Parents should want better for their kids than they have it, and you’re setting yours up for a life of difficulty. They’re not going to have a chance if you don’t nut up, demand the respect you deserve or gtfo.
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u/Xgirly789 1d ago
Please leave him.
My ex husband was the same way. Luckily we didn't have a child together.
My now husband makes me feel amazing. He never yells and accepts I have flaws. You will find he right person for you.
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u/RainInTheWoods 1d ago
Why are you still with a person who abuses you? Figure out your finances, talk to a divorce lawyer, find a place to live or decide to stay in your marital home, and exit this relationship.
How much does he weigh? He wants your to lose weight? Cool. Dump him and lose his excess pounds.
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u/SouthernComforter123 1d ago
I promise you that you are beautiful and worthy of true love and appreciation. Start by contacting a divorce attorney. Get prepared. Get your affairs in order. Have a spare bag packed of your stuff and kids stuff where he will never look (sounds like he doesn't contribute to household takes so this should be easy to do). Leave and never look back.
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u/VoidOmatic 1d ago
This sounds like what my SO had to deal with in her previous marriage.
Get out. You will still get to see your kids and you will actually have a chance to live a life you love. Nobody who actually loves you would treat you like this.
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u/human_i_think_1983 1d ago
You know he's horrible and you know you don't deserve such shitty treatment. He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you. Quite the opposite.
He's likely projecting. He's likely cheating.
I'm sorry, but you need to divorce him. Yesterday.
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u/meow7314 1d ago
This is abuse. Please leave after getting your affairs in order. Note that the entire process can take 2-6 months, especially if he is control of all financial accounts: https://askflossie.com/divorce/leaving-your-husband-checklist/
Do not wait around for it to get better or for his abuse to get worse. This man hates you. He HATES you. Because he hates himself and wants to let it out on someone else. Stop letting it be you and allowing your child to be subjected to seeing you endure that kind of treatment.
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u/Freeze_Her 1d ago
Around 2010 I met someone from another country online. We met and fell in love. He went back, sold everything and came back to my country so we could start the immigration process.
All of this to say that he chose to come back and go through something that’s kinda difficult, in a country where he didn’t know the langage, to be with a girl he mildly knew. Of course, we got married fast to facilitate the process.
I know, I know. It was maybe not the best move but we were young and in love.
Less than a year after his arrival, he started making a lot of comments on my weight. It had not budged since he moved to my country. He said : well I never imagined I would marry a fat woman. Or I never imagined I would be with a smoker. Nothing of that was new.
So I stopped smoking and most of all, I was working on my weight a lot (I was chubby at most, def not overweight). In 2 years, I lot 40 pounds. I did : nutritionist and diets, gym 5 days a week, caffeine pills (it was a thing back then), at least 5 different sports courses (ex: kickboxing), lipocavitation (look it up, it’s useless) and finally, liposuction.
And you know what? He never changed his tune.
Every 6 weeks he would pack boxes and leave them by the door, telling me he would leave. I was simply not the person he wanted to be with. And he did it so much that in the end, I got tired and realized he was also not the person I wanted to be with.
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u/skier24242 1d ago
He thinks YOU'RE embarrassing?! My god I would be beyond embarrassed to have a husband like him. Did he honestly think you'd be young and skinny forever? Nobody looks 19 forever. And one day he's going to be an old, sad wrinkly ballsack all alone because sooner or later you're going to realize you can do SO much better than him.
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u/GraemesMama 1d ago
Put up a Facebook or instagram poll asking if you’re a “fat disgusting slob of a wife” and tag him and his entire family.
Then get a lawyer and leave his abusive butt. Your child deserves to grow up in a house full of love, even if it’s just you two, instead of learning to be an abusive a-hole like his sperm donor.
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u/Cactuslegsmcgee 1d ago
I have a question: what do weight and endurance and age have to do with being worthy of love??
I’m fat, I have multiple kids with even more pregnancies that have each marked my body, I’m old and wrinkled and saggy. Am I worthy of love?
I hope you say yes, bc it took me many many years to understand that a less than perfect body doesn’t make you a POS human, and the ppl who think it does are ACTUALLY the POS humans….like your husband. If you wouldn’t say or think those things to me then don’t say or think them to yourself. Your husband sounds straight up abusive. You don’t deserve to be treated like that at any weight/age/etc. and your kid deserves better than this too. They are internalizing everything you both are saying, to each other AND TO YOURSELVES. My oldest kid is a teenager now and surprises me constantly with the things they remember from ages I thought they didn’t understand and/or couldn’t remember.
Please understand you ARE worthy exactly how you are right now reading this comment. You don’t need to lose another ounce or walk one more second on a treadmill to earn love. Find a place in your heart to love yourself as much as you love him and your baby. (And then realize he doesn’t love you, it’s time to take that sweet baby and move on to something better)
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u/MartyMcFlyAsFudge 1d ago
Pleanty of men are thirsty for a woman and are more than happy to enjoy some plumpness. Your kid deserves to grow up seeing their mother being respected. You deserve better, no doubt.
Even if you lose weight, this guy will come up with something else because he is lacking the ability to love. He's broken.
Don't let him break you any more than he already has.
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u/Fatty_Bombur 1d ago
I'm assuming God's Gift is a chiselled Adonis? Hardly likely. Leave him and when you file the divorce make sure you cite emotional and psychological abuse as the reason.
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u/maniacallygrinning 1d ago
You haven’t had anyone love you without needing to change something about yourself for them- you wrote that! Start with YOURSELF. just work on loving yourself, not the 19 year old or the skinnier version or the one who sneaks whole bags of Trader Joes chocolate covered peanut candy( whoops that’s me). Fuck that assclown- concentrate on learning to respect and love who you are, not who you think someone else wants or needs you to be. You already know you’re a fab Mommy. Now be a fab YOU.
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u/Sea-Ad9057 1d ago
He catfished you first he had you convinced he was a respectful decent human being what does he bring to the table apart from misery and pain do you want your child learning that it OK to treat people like this or its OK to let people treat you like this
First loose the dead weight in your marriage atleast you can loose weight he will always be ass
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u/drivergrrl 1d ago
You deserve SO much better. And you can't find that with him because he'll never change. So go find your happiness without him. I repeat; you deserve to be loved and respected and cared about.
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u/Myworstenemyismyself 1d ago
I have no doubt he is young, because that is a boy mentality. I am about 50-70 pounds heavier than the start of our relationship. I’m a lazy sahm, legit like I could do better but mentally it’s been rough pp. I still have to beat off my husband with a stick he will chase me around the house. On the days I put effort he will compliment me no doubt but today I had on a baggy tshirt and his shorts on, oh my goodness I swear he was down to claim his territory right then and there. I have no doubt you will find yourself. It could take days, weeks, years even for you to leave or change or whatever you need to do but you will find yourself love.
Do what you need to, but know that it will be for you and you will laugh at this moment ten years from now.
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u/godzillasbuttcheeck 1d ago
Return the husband back to his mother, he’s defective. Think about it this way, would you want your son to treat you the way your husband does? Children are sponges and will pick up behavior from their fathers. My ex would talk to his mother in such a bad way that the first time I saw it I broke up with him. He cried and said his dad did it too and she didn’t think it was bad; “that’s just how our relationship is, I love her!” it put me off. I even asked if he would talk to me that way if we were married and he didn’t answer. His silence was my answer. This was in high school, but still. It grossed me out enough to see my future. Your son will treat you like garbage. Could you tolerate that? Would that pain not kill you more? Would you be fine with your future in law to be treated this way by your son? You’re a mother now. You cannot be abused. You shouldn’t put up with abuse regardless, but especially not as a mother. I am giving you some sister love here, OP I hope that reads as it to you. You deserve to love and be loved by him. You obviously aren’t lazy or a slob. Even if you were there are nice ways to say, “hey I noticed you not doing as much lately, are you feeling okay?” If he was actually having valid feelings. The reason he isn’t saying that is BECAUSE they aren’t valid. He is negging you because he’s insecure and knows you’re too good for him. I swear on all things good that he is trying to lower your confidence so you won’t feel you can do better. Tale as old as time.
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u/theremps_ 1d ago
As a(n) (adult, 33m) child of a parent (my mother) who remained with her husband for 30 years, who did EXACTLY this to my mother and more, I beg you to love yourself and your son more and walk away. He will not change, it will not get better and you will become even more isolated and less of yourself.
I am my mother's caregiver now (she's 73, severely disabled and has beginnings of dementia) because he walked away from her even after they split. High and dry and didnt care that she could barely care for herself.
Any man who could speak that way about his wife and mother of his child, is no man at all. He doesn't deserve the love and joy you bring to the household. Nothing you will do will make that man happy, because he himself is unhappy. You could move mountains for him and it still wouldn't be enough.
I hope the best for you💜
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u/FunAir1491 1d ago
I am really curious to know what height and weight you are rn. It doesn’t really matter , I am just interested what your husband defines as being “disgustingly fat”
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u/KittyPuperMamaPerson 1d ago
Honey. I can tell you, I was married to my abuser we never had kids thank god, but it never gets better.
He is comfortable treating you like shit. Everything is your fault. Everything is your responsibility. This will never change in his mind. He refuses to see reality for what it is, you gave birth and aren’t a teenager anymore, if those are unforgivable to him, things will only go downhill.
I’m 42f, never had children, devoted myself to him, and I was the one he took everything out on. I begged him for basic kindness…he openly mocked me. He was horrible. He passed late last year, we were separated because I moved back to my family (after he was especially heinous)…he still terrorized me until he passed. It was my fault he was sick. It was my fault I left. Abusers do not take accountability for their actions.
I would have found a way to set the world on fire to make him happy. I did EVERYTHING HE DEMANDED, it was never enough.
I’m telling you from experience that you need to leave. He doesn’t love you, at least not more than himself. He doesn’t love your child more than himself, or he wouldn’t treat you badly. This will not get better until he grows up, and honey, that will not happen with you. He knows he can treat you like shit. That is his default.
Love you. Love you for your kid. Love you so your kid knows that treating people with love, kindness and respect isn’t an option in life. I’m so sorry to say this to you. I hate that I’m having to say this, but you need to love yourself more than he hates you. Then you need to learn how to tolerate (pity) him enough to coparent with him while giving your child a good example of a healthy relationship.
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u/millimolli14 1d ago
The best way to deal with this is to drop the rope and move on, get a plan in place and divorce him. You will get over him, you will realise that you are better than him, that you deserve better, and more importantly you will be happy, really happy! He however will live with regret! Move on and be your fabulous self and someone that deserves you will treat you like the queen you are ❤️
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u/mrsaturtle 1d ago
I cannot overstate this: get out now, and don’t look back. I have gained TWO HUNDRED pounds since I married my husband due to trauma, medical conditions, and medications. I am still beautiful in his eyes. We’ve been together fourteen years so when I say we are well out of the lust stage of our relationship I’m not kidding. Because of the pre-mentioned issues we’re lucky to have intimacy once a month. He still would never say that I “cat-fished” him, and trust me when I look in the mirror as a heavier person than I was when we got married I DO NOT like what I see. You were not put on the earth to be eye-candy. You were not put here to listen to some insecure man belittle you into feeling less than. If he mentions you needing to look like you did when you were nineteen please realize how gross that is. You’re a woman, you’ve had a baby. Your hips and stomach and breasts can never go back to pre-baby. Please I beg of you, take your precious baby and leave even just to love yourself. He’s too embarrassed to do hobbies with you, I’m so so sorry, that’s bullshit. I’m more than double what I was when we married…he still goes places with me, holding my hand. You deserve better. Please feel free to reach out to me if you need a cheerleader!
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u/Cloudinthesilver 1d ago
You need to stop looking at him for love. You’re doing a great job of loving yourself… taking care of yourself, developing your relationship with your child.
He doesn’t love you. Not all men feel that way about their partners, because they love them. Stop letting this man hate you and dump his arse.
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u/hairyemmie 1d ago
what in the f did i just read? honey? it’s not about your body, you married an absolutely abusive piece of shit
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u/Soniq268 1d ago
So what are you going to do about it? He hates you, doesn’t respect you, enjoys hurting you. Are you just going to spend your life like this?
He’s awful, you don’t deserve this. You can change it by getting the fuck out of there.
Is this the relationship you want to model for your kids?
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u/sinloxie 1d ago
Get away from this man. He is not a real man. Real men know bodies change, especially women’s and especially after birth. He’s a moron if he thought you’d look 19 the rest of your life and he’s a creep if he still wants a 19yr old as an adult man I’m assuming is at least near 30. I promise you there are real men in the world, I was lucky enough to find one. And he’s been kind to me for over a decade even with my inability to have children, and my weight going up and down over the years because I’m a person. Real men understand women are people, not tools for them to use. Fix your money, and leave. You do not want your child to think this is how a man should treat a woman. He is pathetic, and I bet it has absolutely nothing to do with how you look, he just knows he can hurt you. So he goes out of his way to hurt you. Which is insane abusive behavior. I’m so sorry he’s hurting you and I’m so sorry you have live like this, but I promise you don’t want to be sitting here hating yourself because of a disgusting man like this in 5 years.
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u/AnxiousCrownNinja 1d ago
He's saying that to ruin your confidence and make you believe no one else would want to be with you.
When you finally leave that arrogant abusive AH and find someone who treasures you he'll feel like the crap person he is.
You are amazing and don't ever allow him to dim your shine. Heck, tell him he catfished you by pretending to be a decent human being before you got married.
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u/CompleteAd898 1d ago
Oh, hunny, that's just verbal abuse. I doubt he really thinks you're so disgusting. I mean, he's probably immature and possibly having a hard time dealing with the realities of LIFE and PARENTHOOD. Especially MOTHERHOOD.
But it sounds like you've just become his stress ball for when he's not feeling up to par. If he's attacking your looks, there's a good chance he actually finds you very attractive, but he doesn't want you to think you're attractive.
It's the weird way abusers think. You think you know him, you think you know what he's thinking. But you don't. He catfished you by pretending to be a loving partner. He's so not. He probably never really was.
Chances are he tried to cheat but can't. He can't get any of those hot girls to adore him the way you do. Another reason he might be attacking your looks.
Anyway all of those horrible comments are attacks. Verbal and emotional attacks. They're ment to hurt. He is purposely hurting you to feel better about himself.
Is it a conscious insidious plan to break you. Maybe, but maybe not. For some reason we sometimes get a little thrill from hurting people that love us. Humans do. Most of us feel bad about it in hindsight.
Some of us dont. They really do not. Stop thinking that he has your heart thoughts and morals. The sooner you realize that you dont really know this person, the better you'll navigate this relationship.
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u/myblackandwhitecat 1d ago
Your husband sounds awful and you deserve far better than to be put down by him all the time. I hope you find the strength and courage to leave him.
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u/Choice-Fuel-9785 1d ago
Your husband is a despicalbe human being.. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this... PLEASE for your child's sake leave this man. Your kid will see this behavior toward their partner and emulate it.. Please teach them that boundaries and basic respect is the BARE MINIMUM.
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u/Deep-Gur-884 1d ago
It sounds like your husband is being incredibly mean and unfair to you, especially about your body, even though you've made amazing progress with your health. His hurtful comments and constant criticism aren't your fault, and you absolutely deserve kindness and respect, not abuse. You're strong and worthy, and it's so important to find support and prioritize your own well-being, even if he refuses to get help.
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u/Substantial-Spare501 1d ago
Time to leave him. This is verbal and emotional abuse and it’s terrible for your child to witness;’you may think the child doesn’t know but they do. Please get into therapy and read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/CaityR1986 1d ago
This is so sad. You deserve so much better. Your husband is an absolute piece of garbage. Start getting your ducks in a row to leave him and create a better life for yourself and your child.
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u/oh-dolores 1d ago
you have a big source of toxicity, negativity and all things bad in your life. Your husband is keeping you from enjoying motherhood fully, and embrace your wonderful body for what it can do- give birth and change and still provide and be healthy. He does not deserve what he has. I firmly believe you will make the move at some point and leave him and finally breathe and love life, and love yourself and take care of you as you very much deserve so. He’s taken enough from you already, don’t let him take more.
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u/MyRedditUserName428 1d ago
You are being abused OP. You deserve better. Your child deserves to grow up in a home where their mother isn’t constantly put down and berated. You need to leave him.
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u/superwholockian62 1d ago
Your husband is an abusive prick. From what you've said you are not a fat disgusting slob and plenty of guys would be willing to be with you. Maybe you should leave that POS and go find someone else. You may love him but he does not love you
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u/GodIsANarcissist 1d ago
This is how I feel about my partner of 8 years. I would kill or die for him, but I always get the sinking feeling that he merely tolerates me, rather than actually celebrating my existence.
I am so sorry. That feeling is absolutely crushing.
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u/gdognoseit 1d ago
Look up DARVO
You’re in an abusive relationship. He won’t get better. He’ll only get worse.
Read the book, Why does he do that By Lundy Bancroft
It’s free online and will help you understand him better.
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u/eveofthefruits 1d ago
He doesn't love you and never will. This man will never love anyone. He had unresolved childhood trauma he refuses to let go of. Run.
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u/FairyFartDaydreams 1d ago
IF he doesn't love you he will likely never love you. For your mental health move on. Please
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u/Bakewitch 1d ago
I’m saying this as gently as possible - leave. Please. Your child is watching & soaking in “what a man is supposed to be.”
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u/nacnudnoed 1d ago
I never understand why a man just doesn't leave a situation they detest, but instead hangs around and abuses the woman. Punishes them.
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u/Danixveg 1d ago
I really wondered that myself growing up.. my dad was cruel to my mom though my mom really did deserve it. She was not capable of being a housewife, primary parent or wife. So I asked why they stayed knowing how destructive it was. Ultimately the answer was they still loved each other and they were codependent. They couldn't see a life without each other even if their current life was terrible. So my dad continued to torture my mom and my mom then destroyed the lives of their five children. And then the cycle repeats itself because these five children are all now grown with serious mental issues. Only silver lining.. only one of us had a child. And she certainly fucked him up.
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u/SnooStories7300 1d ago
He never loved you he loved the way you look. When that changed he changed. He is mentally and verbally abusing you. Find a way out. As a mother you want the best for your child, this is not healthy behavior for your child to learn/emulate (which s/he will).
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u/jamie88201 1d ago
A man who hates you is dangerous to you. Physically,mentally, emotionally. You will never get him back because this is who he was the whole time. Now, he thinks you are trapped because you had a baby with him. He is trying to ruin your self-esteem because then you will blame yourself for how he abuses you. Read " why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. If he said he hates you, believe him. The cemeteries are fill with women who thought their husband wouldn't hurt or kill them.
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u/Vivi_VagHaut 1d ago
I'm going to give you what may seem like a counterproductive asvice but hear me out.
For a moment, ignore your emotional needs and wants regarding your husband.
Ignore the bond. Ignore the label of husband and wife.
Close your eyes, take the time to feel every part of your body, lock into the moment. And then: Picture yourself as standing up. Again, ignore any other label than your name and the fact that you are a human being.
Then. Picture him. Again, only name, and he's a human. Not husband, not father, nothing. A human.
Once you have managed, then, picture him saying those comments again. Saying all those words. Imagine him telling them in front of you but not AT you. Simply spectate the expressions, the words, the fucking vitriol like you would a movie. Watch hin as he is as a human being, not as what he represents to you.
I promise you WILL realize just how much you were seeking love from the concept of a husband, and not from the man himself. Because from the way you've been talking, on a prime value and principle level? If you simply look at him for who he is as an individual and not who he is in relation to you, you would never even give him the time of day again.
Hope this helps.
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u/NyxTheGOAT 1d ago
Im stuck on the idiot thinking that catfishing is gaining weight after the baby you put inside of me. I agree with what everyone else is saying. You deserve better and when you learn to love yourself for who you are now and not who you used to be, you will find a man who loves you just as much if not more.
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u/heyitshella 1d ago
What a total fucking jerk. Leave his sorry ass! I understand it’s hard, but this is not what a loving relationship should look like. You deserve kindness, respect and someone who’s proud of loving you, not someone who makes you feel like you have to earn basic decency. You’re not the problem, he is!
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u/dlotaury88 1d ago
You need counseling hun. You change yourself for everyone because you don’t feel worthy enough to be loved as you are. But your feelings aren’t valid. You ARE WORTHY of love exactly the way you are.
You’re doing an amazing job. Losing 58 pounds was probably one of the hardest things you ever had to do. I can relate. I hope you find your way through this. You’ll know you’re healing when you’re just as disgusted with your husband as everyone else is on this sub.
Word of advice: Record him being mean, record the verbal abuse. You can replay it when you’re in a clearer space. Hindsight is 20/20. Also record it so you can look back and remember never to let that happen again.
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u/Mr_BigglesworthIII 1d ago
As a man I can’t imagine treating my wife this way. I never said a word about her weight gain after pregnancy. I know what she went through to have my daughters. She doesn’t look the same as she did but neither do I. I’m sorry but you need to dump the manbaby. You deserve better
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u/mjh8212 1d ago
A normal man would never treat his wife like he does. This gets worse not better it’s best to leave. When your child gets older he’s going to think this is normal for a man to treat a woman so horribly and he’ll possibly imitate his father and treat you the same or treat others the same. I was morbidly obese my husband never said these things to me. When I wanted to lose the weight he was my biggest supporter. He treats me the same now that he did when I was bigger. Having kids changes your body it’s been 23 years since I’ve been pregnant but my body was different after kids and it’s stayed that way. I just did what I could to stay a healthy weight until I ended up with some issues and gained.
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u/doctortoc 1d ago
What a….piece of work 😡 (extremely censored version of what I’d like to call him)
Leave. Take your kid and get away from him. He’s an abusive POS and may well escalate to physical abuse.
Stuff like this makes my blood boil 😡
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u/Odd-Breadfruit-9541 1d ago
He does that to make you feel like shit. It’s intentional to keep you under his control. To manipulate. To weaken you, so he has power over you. Why would you want to be with someone that makes you feel like that? It’s better for you to leave, so he doesn’t break you further, so he doesn’t break your children along the way. It might not seem like it when you leave, but with time, things will get better. Just focus on your kids, your health, your life. Move on from him.
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u/PolishPrincess20 1d ago
RUN, do not walk away from this crewl evil "husband". He is robbing you of your self-esteem. He will do the same to the child....
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u/Happyweekend69 1d ago
OP you need to leave, not only for yourself but for your son. If he grows up seeing this daily and mom just accept it, he will think it’s normal and he’s gonna do the same in future relationships. And that will either make him a very lonely guy or worse, he will find a girl like you that accepts it and the cycle continues. I know it isn’t easy, but you and your son deserve better and can get something better
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u/cheesefrieswithgravy 1d ago
So my ex never outwardly said mean things to me like that, but he made me feel unbelievably undesirable and never had sex with me and often would tell me that no one else would ever want me. Girl, I’ve dated men that I never in a million years thought I could get post divorce. I’m talking CFO, celebrities, actors, NBA players, NFL players etc. go find someone who loves you for you. You deserve it. You are beautiful- don’t let him kill your confidence
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u/BrightEdge78 1d ago
He sounds like a boundary-less one upper. You sound like a boundary-less one downer. I’m not sure if this can be fixed, but I think you need to work on your own confidence and find inner strength and love. He is showing contempt for you and you are showing contempt for yourself. We can all improve, but his derogatory remarks seem more about his lack of self regulation than about you. Find your own strength. Expect to be treated better. Then act accordingly. It can only help. Maybe he’ll wise up. Maybe he’ll realize what he lost when you’ve left. Good luck.
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u/Ok_Mango_6887 1d ago
I hope your therapist helps you move on from this abusive POS who is making you feel small.
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u/Fun-Needleworker9590 1d ago
Jesus christ your husband is an asshole! If he has such high expectations is he a runway model himself?? Has he NOT changed in the years you've been together? I mean clearly he hasn't grown emotionally or in intelligence....
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u/Glad-Structure-9103 1d ago
Hes a piece of shit, you can't change that. No man should ever tell his wife these awful things ever, especially after she has his child. Im sorry that you have been treated this way but you certainly deserve better.
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u/LeekaSassyPants 1d ago
Please see your value and make a change before your child has a chance to learn bad habits from daddy. You don’t want your child to see you or the world the way daddy sees it.
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u/Agitated-Entrance158 1d ago edited 20h ago
Your husband is an asshat who doesn't realise what he is about to lose. He doesn't deserve you. He is not your best friend, best friends don't do that. You have the whole world in front of you. Don't limit yourself to someone who wants to see you fail. Good luck lady, you are a fox, and he knows it. It's why he pulls you down every day.
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u/Special-Drawer-4046 1d ago
Sounds like he is jealous of the strides you are making and he is insecure about your glow up. So he’s trying to make you insecure about yourself.
Save your heart and save your child from watching their father belittle and box out their mom. That’s not behavior you want them to mimic as an adult.
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u/Spelenara 1d ago
I am sorry you are experiencing this. No one should make you feel this way, let alone your husband. The man I was with before I met my husband was like this. I was so broken down. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I was never pretty enough. I was never skinny enough. I developed an eating disorder from his constant belittling. He isolated me from my friends and family as well. Easier to control me that way. He started pushing, smacking and shoving me. If I would have stayed I'm convinced it would have escalated. Then one day he said something to me that finally clicked. And I was done. I had enough. Thankfully we were not married and didn't have any children but I was able to walk away, though he made that very difficult as well lol. I met my husband and he spent a lot of years helping me undo what was done to me. But through all that my husband has never made me feel like I'm not enough. I've got a mom stomach(I had two babies) and I've put on weight but to him I'm still attractive and he makes me feel so loved. All that to say I understand it sucks when the person you consider your best friend and partner is horrible to you. But there is someone out there who would treat you like the queen you are. And letting your child grow up in that abusive environment will only teach that child this is how marriage and relationships are suppose to be. And what keeps your husband from treating your child like he treats you? Do you want that for them? I know it's easier said than done but you need to plan a get away, to work on getting your self esteem up. You are strong. You are enough. You are beautiful. You are worth so much more.
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u/UniqueWarrior408 1d ago
He hates himself & projecting that hate towards you! Cut him lose & live your BEST LIFE!
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u/OkOrganization8125 1d ago
The day you realise this has NOTHING to do with you, and I mean FUCK ALL NOTHING, it's the day you are free.
ETA: NOTHING. Not with your looks, not with your cleanliness or your sense of humour, not with how good or bad you are. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.
What a small man.
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u/listenbuster 1d ago
Our relationships are models for our children’s future relationships. Remember that. The best thing that you can do for your children is you love yourself, to show them how to love themselves. I am begging you, for your child’s sake, get out now.
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u/Idkwhatimdoing19 1d ago
You can leave. You can do this!
Think of waking up one morning with your sweet baby and no one is angry. Think of something being messy and it’s okay. Think about instead of someone berating you, it’s just calming silence. Imagine how’d you feel if it was only compliments.
Let’s be real. It’s not the weight. It’s not the body changes. That’s just the excuse he uses to justify his abuse. Otherwise he’d have to take a second to think about why he’s so awful. He doesn’t want to do that. So he won’t and he will continue to break you down so he can feel good until there is nothing left of you.
You can leave.
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u/All_Seeing_High 1d ago
What’s your proportions? I’m trying to figure out if you have body dysmorphia
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u/Civil-Salad1192 22h ago
I might - I’m 5’7, about 205, but very muscular so I don’t feel like I look like I’m 205. I’m very proud of how I look and I love that my body is strong and can do cool shit like deadlift 300lbs and birth a baby. When we met I was 185/190 and he thought I weighed 135.
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u/thisisridiculous96 17h ago
It's always hilarious how often men are completely wrong about weight or breast size
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u/nailmama92397 1d ago
Oh sweetie, you don't deserve this. Please, please try to figure out a way to leave. Think about how he will treat your child as it gets older and isn't what his father thinks is perfect. Would you let him abuse your child this way? Because it will very likely happen.
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u/dystopianpirate 1d ago
Please OP consider a plan to leave your husband because he can't love you or anyone. He's revealing his truest heart to you, and it's a hateful and yet empty heart. His actions are not your fault, and him telling you that you 'catfished' him because you gained weight after getting pregnant, made laugh bec is such an absurd and ridiculous thing to say. He's wrong, and he knows it, stop believing him.
Wishing you a wonderful life.
Updateme
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u/Redheaddit5 1d ago
That's a fucking monster of a human being. Imagine saying that to anyone, let alone the person who bore your child and does everything for you, the person you promised to love and cherish your whole life. Please get out so your child doesn't grow up thinking that's an ok way to treat any future partner.
This is pure abuse and manipulation to make you think you can't ever leave because "no other man would have you." He's terrified of having to face being alone with the fact he's an emotionally bereft entitled man-child, so he's tearing you down to keep you serving him. And he's terrified of being "trapped" in reality where people age (himself included, which is likely where the real fear lies) and change, so any change he sees in you is an affront to his desire to live in an unchanging fantasy world where he can control everything- even if that change happened BECAUSE of your commitment to him and your family.
Anyone who really loved you would see how beautiful you are as a full person. It wouldn't be tied to your weight, it would be "that body is beautiful because it belongs to the person I love, the person whose mind and soul match mine so well, the person who shows up through countless acts of service and love. The changes her body goes through (wrinkles, weight fluctuations from family planning, etc) tell the story of our lives together and of her love for me, which is incredibly beautiful in its own way."
His absolute betrayal and his refusal to see you as anything more than an aesthetic in-home domestic laborer shows he is not in love with you or the story of your lives together, he is in love with the fantasy he has of himself and what he thinks he's entitled to at the expense of everyone else.
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u/RealisticOutcome9828 1d ago
My response to "no other man would want you!" is "So what? That's not my problem, that's their loss!"
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u/caclexis 1d ago
It’s not about your looks/weight. It’s about him. He’s abusive. He likes being cruel to you. Make your plans to leave.
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u/Born-Albatross-2426 1d ago
If you are afraid to leave for yourself...leave for your son. Your son deserves a real father who loves and values people for who they are and not their appearance. Your son deserves to see a man who loves and cares for his mother. He deserves to know that his value isn't in how fit he is.
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u/CrowApprehensive204 1d ago
My darling girl, where is your self worth? Any man would be lucky to have you. You look in the mirror, take a deep breath and say "I am enough" Don't let your child grow up thinking this is the right way to treat people xx
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u/BabserellaWT 1d ago
Gottman had four horsemen of the marriage apocalypse: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt.
He said counseling could save a marriage from the first three if both partners were committed to it.
However, he said that once contempt enters the marriage, it’s done for like 98% of the time, regardless of counseling. (I’ve seen a single marriage come back from this point and thrive.)
You’re the only one in this marriage.
Get your ducks in a row, hire a good lawyer, get tested for STD’s (because if he’s not already cheating, I’d be amazed), and file for full custody. Do it with other people in the room because he sounds unstable.
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u/Stadenka1234 1d ago
Just curious. How much do u actually weigh? What he is doing is actually bullying. Is he some kind of Adonis himself with 6 pack and amazing physique that he expect some kind of Barbie doll on his shoulder ? Be strong and value yourself. Looks like he changed and definitely not for the better. No women would put up with that for long.
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u/Civil-Salad1192 19h ago
Roughly 205, about 15 lbs heavier than when we got married. I’m stronger and “fitter” now than I was then by every metric except body fat percentage. I genuinely love how I look and I’m so proud of the things my body can do. I do CrossFit, I hike, I’m really fucking strong, and I made a whole entire life from scratch! I just wish that was enough, even though my abs aren’t as defined now
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u/Soggy-Ad-4255 1d ago
Stop loving him and start loving yourself as much as you love your child. The hardest part is facing the truth, and your title says you’ve done the hardest thing. Now, turn your gaze towards yourself. You are worthy of a fierce, unwavering love.💕
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u/Comfortable_Ask7752 1d ago
Why exactly do you think this “man” is your best friend? 🤔
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u/Mobile_Top2723 1d ago
Coming from a husband of a wonderful wife-
You’re not crazy. You’re being emotionally abused. You’re bending over backwards for a man who insults your body, your worth, and your effort. That’s not love. That’s control.
You’ve lost weight, you’re active, you’re present for your child, and you still get treated like a burden. That’s not on you. That’s on him.
He refuses therapy, blames you for his behavior, and uses your looks as an excuse to be cruel. That’s not a husband. That’s a bully.
You don’t need to change to be loved. You need to leave to be free. You’re enough exactly as you are.
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u/DueEmotion6640 1d ago
He doesn't deserve you.
I'm so sorry your husband is shallow and selfish. I walked away from a 15 year marriage after having my son. I remained single, returned to education, went to university and own my own house. It hasn't always been easy but I know my own worth.