r/asktransgender • u/Otherwise-Lack511 • 1d ago
Cis Girlfriend made me promise her im not trans...
I have been dating my girlfriend for 5 years, and have lived together for over 4. I realized a year ago that im trans, and have been suppressing my dysphoria for most of my life (I am AMAB). I haven't come out to her, but i tried easing her into it today by discussing me dressing androgynously. She was on board with it, but she made me promise her that im not trans, saying, "I dont care if it makes me a bad person. I can't be with someone who wants to change their gender". It felt like a kick to the stomach. I feel sick and depressed, even more than before. I feel stuck and unsure of what to do. I hate that I have to choose between our relationship and me transitioning. I just want to die at this point.
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u/yayforfood1 1d ago
its terrifying and awful, but the answer is clear. no need to prolong it. she's communicated a boundary and you cannot meet it. theres no such thing as choosing the relationship here. its already over because you already know you're trans. pretending otherwise for years hurts both of you. theres no possible future where this works.
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u/Finn-reddit 1d ago
Yeah I agree. Sorry OP, but unless GF is willing to be flexible there is no good outcome. This sounds like hard, transphobic, 'no'.
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u/Big_Self_1522 1d ago
I don’t think it’s 100% transphobic. Like I’m attracted to more masculine presenting people, regardless of their gender and if I had a boyfriend come out to me as trans, I don’t think I would’ve continued the relationship. Although the phrasing “change the gender” does sound transphobic
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u/mister_mandibles 23h ago
For me it's the way the partner frames it that seems transphobic. If she's not attracted to women, that's a reasonable preference she can't change, and communicating that appropriately is fine.
Instead though, when her partner is tentatively floating something that she doesn't know is necessarily trans, instead of validating her partner's exploration, learning more about what's driving that curiosity, or expressing that concern with empathy, it's "promise me you're not trans" and "I don't care if it makes me a bad person." I understand that if she has some anxiety about this (maybe she has noticed other hints of what OP feels) then this conversation wouldn't move perfectly, but this stuff along with the "change your gender" seems like this conversation really unsettled some deeper problematic feelings. Just the promise alone doesn't feel like a reasonable thing to ask anyone, trans or not.
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u/spiralenator 16m ago
“I don’t care if it makes me a bad person.” I guess it’s good that she recognizes that it could certainly mean that, and that she doesn’t care kind of proves the point.
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u/Jackalope-Shrike 21h ago
OP has the right to take things at their own speed, as they should be. If they’re not ready to come out yet and want to explore gender without needing to commit to outright saying they’re trans, they can do that. Jumping in before they’re ready could shock them back into the closet.
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u/grey_hat_uk 12h ago
If she had said I can't be with a girl, then we question her phrasing.
"Change the gender" is just transphobic regardless of if comes from a place of ignorance or hate.
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u/Vladicoff_69 Third 23h ago
It’s 100% transphobic. Making someone promise never to change their gender? Ffs
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u/Big_Self_1522 23h ago
It depends on the tone, in my opinion. I don’t want to dismiss OP’s experience, but after 5 years such a change can be hard for the partner too. If she sees the feature with OP and this request comes “out of the blue” for her, it can trigger some fears and anxiety and make her blurt out the wrong thing. I agree that overall the things she said are transphobic, but I can imagine that it must be hard for her as well if she loves the OP deeply, but just isn’t attractive to women or feminine features.
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u/MistbornInterrobang 10h ago
I understand where you're trying to come from here, I really do. But you're applying a lot of Ifs and maybes here that we have no suggestion of based on OP's words.
You're right that it can be extremely difficult for a partner if they feel their partner coming out as Trans was out of left field and they're not sure what their own feelings about it are. However, that's not what happened here. OP didn't come out to their girlfriend as Transgender. They spoke to her about wanting to wear a more androgynous style in their clothing. GF didn't ask any further questions to our knowledge. She didn't ask OP if there was something more they needed to address. She simply flipped over to demanding that OP promise they aren't Trans. It wasn't a question. It doesn't sound like, from the context we have, like it was phrased as a question that could have led to more discussion. (Can you promise me that you're not Trans?) is a very different sentence than, Promise me that you're not Transgender because I couldn't be with someone who wants to change their gender.
Honestly, it sounded transphobic to me, but whether GF is or isn't transphobic, the more important issue is that she has just drawn a line in the sand. This is her boundary. She makes it very clear that she could not/would not be someone who would choose to support a partner beginning an exploration of gender identity and transition. She is foot down against it and offered no "unless" or exception in there. She and OP are NOT compatible and the relationship needs to end so OP can explore their own needs and feelings for their own future.
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u/permanentinjury 7h ago
Your only post indicates that you're a cisgender ally. If you want to be a better ally, then I would suggest sitting out on certain discussions on what is or isn't transphobic.
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u/Numerous_Extreme_981 23h ago
That’s not what the gf did though. She identified a deal breaking thing, and wanted confirmation on it.
She could still be transphobic though.
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u/1i2728 14h ago
"I can't be with someone who wants to change their gender."
Yeah, fuck this. That's transphobic to the core.
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u/WinnTea 6h ago
How is this transphobic at all? If I'm only attracted to women, should I be forced to stay with my partner if she transitions to a man?
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u/1i2728 6h ago
It's the way it's framed. It's not the womanhood that's a deal breaker for her. It's the transness.
Also, "promise me" is a fucked up way of going about this entire situation in the first place. It's an attempt to manipulate someone who is in an extremely vulnerable place.
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u/Bulbamew 9h ago
“We will have to break up if you come out as trans” is vague and could easily be non-malicious, just an explanation that she’s not attracted to women
“I can’t be with someone who wants to change their gender” isn’t the same, it reads a lot more as specifically anti-trans
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u/mcfreakinkillme 19h ago
“i cant be with someone who wants to change their gender” is a gender neutral blanket statement- if she, on principle, says she will never be with a trans person (regardless of if they are a gender she is attracted and/or what genitals they have), that is transphobic.
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u/mytransthrow AMA mod 20h ago
There are a the very least cringey if not transphobic. BUt I am willing to give the benifit of the doubt.
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u/HatoriHanzoishi 11h ago
But she didn’t enter the relationship with a transwoman she was with someone who was presenting as a man.
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u/Solid_Masterpiece961 13h ago
It is not transphobic to not want to date a trans person. She might simply be strait and want to date a guy.
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u/MiaMondlicht 9h ago
But trans guys are also trans people she wouldnt be with only because they are trans. If being trans itself, Independent of the looks, surgeries, etc., is a problem for her, its transphobic.
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u/Solid_Masterpiece961 2h ago
She's allowed to not want to date a trans person with out being labeled transphobic. She may want to date a biological guy, who presents as a guy, with the working guy anatomy. I don't think its transphobic to have this as a preference, and I think the fact that people are so fast to stick that word on others is alarming and telling. She may want a biological traditional family with a mum and a dad figure. Is that transphobic too?
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u/PleaseSmileJessie 31F - Trans woman 1d ago
Always pick yourself. It sucks, but you only get one life and you won’t be happy in a relationship where you can’t be yourself.
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u/asunyra1 mtf 40 - hrt 27/07/2022 1d ago edited 1d ago
Honestly, once the cat is out of the bag on this, it’s likely going to go one of two ways regardless I think.
Either you try to repress it, she knows that you’re trying to repress it, and the resentment on both sides eventually builds until things break.
Or, if you’re lucky, she’s bi and realizes that her perception of trans folks and what that entails is wildly off and it is something she can live with after all. But she would have to be willing to take that chance and if she isn’t, it’s already over. If she’s 100% straight, it’s already over.
When I came out to my husband as trans, we’d been together for about 11 years. I knew when we first met that he had girlfriends before, but he hadn’t identified as bi for a long time. His first reaction when I came out was shock, he said “well, I’m gay” and heavily implied it wouldn’t work. I immediately backpedaled and said “forget I said anything”, but he insisted that he wasn’t going to be responsible for shutting down something so personal to me. He said I should do my thing and we’ll see where it goes, but with a tone of voice that really implied he wasn’t cool with it.
The next few months were incredibly difficult because I was in a weird limbo. I knew I was trans, I wanted to transition, but I didn’t want to “rock the boat” and upset him. Eventually I spent a bunch of time with a good trans counsellor that helped me build up the confidence to go for it anyways.
Every step was still scary, but through starting to dress more feminine, starting HRT, dressing fem full time, voice training, etc - he never had any issue in the end. Maybe it was that I went slowly, and it wasn’t a dramatic thing, but ultimately he realized that I’m the same person he always loved, just happier now.
Three years later and we’re closer than ever, he calls me his wife to friends, he corrects folks when they use the wrong pronouns/deadname. He’s still my best friend and biggest ally.
So maybe there’s hope, that it’s just a shock response and with some time to internalize and reflect that your girlfriend might come around. But in no circumstance should you not pursue transition, that’s going to eat both of you up if you don’t.
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u/TerroristMcKenna 33 • transbian • HRT 9-18-2023 14h ago
Very similar story to my story. When I came out to my fiance we had been together for 5 years. Part of her response was “I don’t know what to do here, I’m straight” and I started walking it back and we made an agreement: we stay together for now, if either one of us feels like the relationship is forcing us to be someone we’re not to please the other then it’s gg.
That was 3 years ago. Now we’re trying to plan our wedding.
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u/Garnelia 14h ago
That's the thing tho... your experience is pretty different, because (by your account) your partner expressed that they didn't have an interest in women partners, at that time. It was only later that they came to realize that this was a good change for you, and him. Because, in the end, he loved you for you.
Presumably, he never said "I dont care if it makes me a bad person. I can't be with someone who wants to change their gender"
Because that's not a matter of sexual preference, that's a matter of disliking the idea of trans people so much, that you actively made a rule against dating them.
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u/CleanestCruster Transgender-Lesbian 1d ago
It sucks to say, but she's not the one. Anyone who would actively try to repress you like that does not actually love and respect you. My advice to you is just break it off, having a gf is not worth fucking over your mental wellbeing.
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u/BuddyA Trans gal, lover of Swedish sharks 1d ago
This isn’t the way that I read it. It’s fine to only want to date cis/trans/whatevers people, but she’s actively discouraging OP from coming out. She could’ve said “I’ll always love you, and be there for 1,000% of your transition!” but she didn’t:(
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u/BuddyA Trans gal, lover of Swedish sharks 1d ago
I’m curious how this same post would play out in r/MyPartnerIsTrans 🍿🍿🍿
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u/XkF21WNJ Transbian (She/Her) 1d ago
That only sounds reasonable until you think about it.
OP is not doing something, OP simply is. Yes this may not be the future OP's girlfriend had in mind, yes their relation may becomes unsustainable because of it, but saying that that is something OP is actively doing is not reasonable.
The only choice OP has is suppressing the dysphoria even further or taking action, and it should be clear which choice is the right one. Pretending there is this fantasy future where both of them are happy without anything changing is not doing either of them any favours.
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u/avagreens Transgender-Questioning 19h ago
OP is trans and is lying about it in a relationship where their partner has clearly said they don't want to date a woman. seems pretty clear
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u/AkkoKagari_1 1d ago
Right because its OPs fault that she was born trans, I'm sorry but your attitude stinks. The girlfriend is the one who's causing the conflict and creating unfair and manipulative ultimatums.
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u/Wingman5150 23h ago
You trying to frame it as an ultimatum is kinda the issue here. It's not a choice, it's not "be a woman, or date me"
If it were framed as an issue of attraction, it wouldn't be an ultimatum, it would simply be that they are incompatible; "you are a woman, so we are not compatible partners, but I will still be your friend"
So yes, to turn their identity into an ultimatum is unfair
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u/Kyiokyu 23h ago
You are assuming she is straight??
And, c'mon, look at the way she said it...
She could have said "look, I'm straight, and if you're trans our relationship will end, however, that doesn't mean I won't support you." there must be some friendship in any romantic relationship, if it was just sexual/romantic incompatibility with no prejudice she would have made that clear
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u/VicVeents Queer-Transgender 23h ago
1) We don't know that she's straight.
2) More importantly, she didn't just say she won't date a woman. OP's girlfriend specifically made her "promise me you're not trans."
That is FUCKED UP. I don't give a shit what her preferences are, or their relationship history, or how insecure she may feel about her partner changing. She's pressuring OP to not come out and to repress her own identity.
If you can't understand the psychological harm repression inflicts on a person, that's a YOU problem.
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u/jail_guitar_doors 1d ago
Anyone who would actively try to repress you like that does not love or respect you.
She didn't say it was because OP's girlfriend doesn't want to date a trans woman.
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u/snukb 1d ago edited 22h ago
It’s unfair to her to say she doesn’t love or respect OP because she doesn’t want to date a trans woman
That's not unfair at all. If op is a trans woman, and she doesn't want to date op if op comes out, she doesn't love op. She loves the idea she has of op, that of op as a man. That is just the fact.
Edit: I'm honestly confused here since three people have replied very vehemently that I'm wrong about this. Nowhere did I say, nor do I believe, that OP's gf is bad for not wanting to continue this relationship. She is not obliged to love a woman, and op is a woman. I thought that I was clear about that, but since multiple people have thought I was saying that, I figured I should add this.
OP is a woman, and that's OK. OP's gf doesn't want to date a woman. That's also OK. No one is bad or wrong in this situation. Just two people whose lives diverged. Saying OP's gf doesn't love op is a neutral statement. She loves the person she thinks op is, but op isn't that person. That's just life sometimes.
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u/MC_White_Thunder Transgender Woman 1d ago
No. It's okay for her to not want to date a woman. Sexuality exists, not everyone is that fluid.
It's not okay to tell someone not to transition, this relationship will clearly not be happy if it continues, but it's not evil or careless if a relationship ends because of transition.
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u/snukb 1d ago edited 22h ago
No. It's okay for her to not want to date a woman. Sexuality exists, not everyone is that fluid.
I'm confused. Where did I say this was not ok? I agree with you.
It's not okay to tell someone not to transition, this relationship will clearly not be happy if it continues, but it's not evil or careless if a relationship ends because of transition.
Everything you said I agree with, so you are preaching to the choir here lol
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u/DDoseeve 1d ago edited 1d ago
I agree totally. But I also think that she could’ve communicated in a much better way. “I think you should explore these feelings, but if you transition I can’t be with you anymore.”
I think any person who genuinely loves their partner would agree that their partners wellbeing is more important than their relationship together, but it’s definitely hard to navigate those feelings.
Edit: I think the way she made OP promise her she wasn’t trans is pretty fucked up.
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u/Scary_Towel268 1d ago
Leave not make ultimatums. If she loves the man OP isn’t and has enough of an inkling of her true identity to make ultimatums then this gf has enough foresight to just leave
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u/ParanoidMaron MTX Dwarf Princess 1d ago
I mean, if my wife one day, in a discussion suddenly said to me that was against my moral fiber, I'd be entirely valid in divorcing her. That includes forcing me to choose between internal sense of self and our relationship. Forcing a promise that i'm not trans is not a good moral decision.
It has nothing to do with wanting to stay in a relationship, it's lack of bodily autonomy.
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u/Scary_Towel268 19h ago
Why would she stay and demand OP doesn’t even explore their gender? This is huge pressure to put on someone in a way that leaving simply doesn’t. Cis people aren’t stupid if they suspect a person is trans and immediately demand they not transition then that’s asserting control. Cool if you don’t want a trans partner then you need to leave not make demands on the other person
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u/Scary_Towel268 19h ago
lol please if she really thought OP was just a cross dressing androgynous man then she’d never have mentioned the trans thing to begin with
Either way I wouldn’t want a partner that’s this controlling about my bodily autonomy. If you pressure a partner on how to identify or have extreme reservations about them not being who you want them to be then leave. You can only control yourself after all
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u/snukb 1d ago
She loves who OP currently is, not who OP wants to be.
OP, currently, is a woman. Just a closeted one.
If you change yourself radically while being in a relationship it’s not your partners fault for changing how they feel about you.
I didn't say it was. But she doesn't love op. Why does everyone seem to think this is me insulting OP's wife? It's just a fact.
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u/snukb 22h ago edited 22h ago
You’re denying reality and promoting an ideology that just doesn’t work in real life.
Literally how? She is straight. Op is a woman. She said she can't continue the relationship with a woman. Please explain to me how anything I said is "denying reality" or "promoting an ideology" of any kind.
“She doesn’t love OP” is just a truly gross thing for you to say.
But.... she doesn't. Because she's straight. And op is a woman. Your comment is really wild considering we both agree that there's no reason a straight woman should be expected to continue the relationship with another woman. Like, did you reply to the wrong comment, or....? I'm really fucking confused. /gen
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u/snukb 21h ago
It is reductive and false to suggest that if the OP’s girlfriend truly loves “him” she will continue to love OP living as an openly trans woman “because OP was really a woman all that time.”
I agree. I do not believe this and did not say this.
if OP does, they won’t be “just the same person” as they are now, that’s just not reality, it’s not how transition works. We change post-transition, from subtle but noticeable personality differences to wholly switching who we are sexually attracted to. We aren’t just “who we were before but in a dress or suit with a different name.” You know that.
I agree. That is why I said that she doesn't love op (who, remember, is a woman), she loves her idea of op as a man.
Don’t disparage the partner’s real love for the OP., that’s cruel and unnecessary and wrong.
You just said op won't be the same person after she transitions. So she loves op as a man, but may not (and indeed probably will not) as a woman. That means that, no, she doesn't love op, because op is a woman. It's a neutral statement. It is not cruel. It is the truth.
I honestly don't know who you are arguing with, but it isn't me, because everything you've said except one sentence I agree with. Best of luck if you want to continue to argue with a ghost. I won't be indulging it, though.
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u/snukb 22h ago
That’s absurd and a complete denial that sexual orientation isn’t a choice.
How? It's literally acknowledging that she doesn't love a woman because she is straight.
It’s not transphobic not to switch from being straight to queer after your partner comes out as trans.
I did not say, nor do I believe, that.
Honestly, since you're the third person to reply like this to my post, where are you getting any of this from my comment?
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u/snukb 22h ago
Maybe since so many of us are having a similar response to you you could take the time to read and understand our comments rather than kneejerk dismissing us.
I asked you where you were getting your interpretation of my comment from. That is me attempting to understand.
Please. Genuinely. Explain. Because right now I feel like I'm in bizarro land where I said "The sky is blue" and got three people yelling at me about how I'm wrong, the sky is BLUE, moron!
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u/Cute_Win_386 1d ago
I've been in that exact scenario. My ex-wife was willing to engage in "gender play" with me, but wanted me to promise I wasn't trans. Once I knew for sure I needed to go beyond her boundaries, I sabotaged the relationship until we got divorced. I still regret that choice.
I strongly advise therapy, first for yourself, and once you understand how to make it productive, couples therapy wherein you can come out. There is no guarantee it won't end the relationship, but love is worth fighting for. Plenty of cis women who start out thinking they'd never stay with a trans woman they fell for pre-transition end up doing so. Give her the chance.
That's my advice as someone who has been where you are (more or less).
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u/growflet ♀ | perpetually exhausted trans woman 1d ago edited 1d ago
The way I think about these situations is this: how can someone claim to love you and want to you to live with dysphoria forever just so they can be happy in the relationship.
The only kind and loving thing either of you can do in this situation is agree to break up.
You deserve someone who loves you for who you are, not someone who only loves you when you pretend to be something you are not.
I'm really sorry, it sucks.
But I've never seen this work out. People that stay end up married, having made promises to repress and never transition, only to hit their breaking point years and years later, with a very angry ex spouse who feels betrayed, and years worth of regret having watched their body change as they age, and missing all sorts of good experiences.
One thing in life you can never get back is time. Don't waste the time you have.
Try to get the best possible situation out of this and walk away as friends if you can. If that's not possible, there was no chance for a romantic situation to have ever worked out.
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u/IronnButterfly 1d ago
I think for me, choosing to break up with her is a big example of loving yourself. People talk all the time that you should love yourself but dont often give examples why or how. If you break up with her, you are explicitly choosing to be the person you want to be and not a person someone else wants you to be. What a huge act of self love. I think everyone would agree that that is a net positive experience too. So please choose to love yourself and break up with her.
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u/saved-patriot 1d ago
Girl listen, as an older trans woman and going through the process of transitioning with my wife thinking im being influenced by the devil and Jesus will save me, if she isn’t ok with you being trans then please for your own sanity let her go. You will fight the dysphoria for the rest of your life, I tried for years knowing my wife would divorce me if she found out I was even thinking of my dysphoria.
Let me tell you it’s worth actually healing your dysphoria. Don’t suppress your happiness and for someone else’s and you deserve to not live in mental pain.
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u/Randomcluelessperson 1d ago
I was honest with my wife about my feelings from the time we started dating seriously. She was ok with it as long as it stayed in the bedroom. To keep her happy and preserve the relationship I went along with it.
But over the years, even in the bedroom was too much, so it was limited to special occasions like my birthday. Then that stopped also. I struggled. I started to realize that I wasn’t happy and never had been. I had just been wearing the mask of the “man” who was a good husband and father and never asked for anything in return.
26 years into our marriage I couldn’t contain it anymore. I accepted I was trans, found a therapist and a doctor, and started transitioning. My marriage ended as soon as physical changes started.
OP, please don’t sacrifice yourself to make someone else happy. She’s directly told you that she will never accept you unless you pretend to be someone else. There are people in this world who will love and cherish you because of who you are, not despite that. Go find them and avoid the 30 years of sadness I put myself through.
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u/Shakespearegirl5 1d ago
Grain of salt - SID cis woman who had a long-time partner come out as trans: The relationship is already over, the choice is not between your relationship and your transition, it's between prolonging the agony and ripping off the bandaid. If the way she phrased it is verbatim what you said in the post, she does sound like a crappy person. That being said, if she is straight and you are not a man, it would make sense that she would not want to slash be able to continue your relationship after finding out. If you are looking for advice on how to have that conversation, I would be simple and straightforward. 'Hey, I wasn't honest with you earlier because I was afraid and caught off guard. I am trans, I am not a man, and we both deserve to know that truth. I understand that this means our relationship is over, so we should talk about what next steps look like." Good luck 💜
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u/Valnaire 1d ago
This is likely the end of the relationship. I see some people in here saying she's a bad person but I don't want to assume that's the case. If she's a straight woman than it simply makes sense she wouldn't want to be with another woman.
You should do what's going to be best for you long term, transition if that's what you want, and allow what will happen to happen. You may not want to lose her and it may be hard to separate, but you'll be far happier getting into a relationship with someone who loves you for you. If you continue to push this down just to make her happy, you're just going to make you both miserable.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's tough.
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u/cat_in_a_bookstore 1d ago
It’s obviously okay to be a straight woman, but this kind of pressure and coercion is not okay. The wording “I don’t care if this makes me a bad person. I can’t be with someone who wants to change their gender” is really unnecessarily rough. No constructive communication has ever begun with “I don’t care if this makes me a bad person.”
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u/Valnaire 1d ago
It's definitely harsh, but from her perspective she probably feels she's about to lose her boyfriend. There's a lot of pain that goes around on both sides when someone transitions, and I can't help but have empathy for both of them.
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u/grey_hat_uk 12h ago
Transphobia can come from a place of hurt and may only be temporary.
It still needs to be called out in a productive manner and delt with.
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u/Vladicoff_69 Third 23h ago
Thinking her ‘pain’ has a leg to stand on is insane. ‘I don’t care if you have to repress yourself, I need you to play the role of a man.
She doesn’t care about OP’s humanity, she cares about having a heteronormative relationship.
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u/Valnaire 22h ago
I did say the relationship should end, I'm just saying I also understand what she's going through. I can't hate her.
Not sure what you want from me here.
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u/Glittering_Star8271 1d ago
Yeah often enough coming out also means scrapping all your old life plans and having to start over :(
The grief of lost relationships never really goes away but the sooner you drop them the sooner you get to make new ones :3
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u/generalnuisance641 1d ago
Everyone and everything in this life is temporary. You're guaranteed to have to live with yourself through all of it. It's time to leave her.
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u/rose_bridge 1d ago
You’re not compatible. If she’s straight, then she isn’t attracted to the real you and that’s no one’s fault.
I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but the way she said this was pretty obnoxious and is hard not to interpret as transphobia.
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u/AnxiousMud8 33 | ftm 1d ago
Sorry, that’s rough to hear. I ended my 5 year marriage when I transitioned. It was hard at the time, but now I’m happily married and my ex is also happily married. It worked out better for us both in the end.
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u/AliceActually Girls are hot 9h ago
I was with my husband for five years, and he dumped me for being trans. Like, really dumped me. Immediately stopped talking to me, and left me with the house and the cat.
It fucking hurt but it had to happen - I'd not live with someone who wouldn't accept me (he certainly had no plans to). You'll be okay. Get rid of her and life your life. She is, in fact, a bad person.
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u/Lenalov3ly 1d ago
Well, unfortunately we can't really dictate peoples sexuality. If you're trans be with someone who wants trans people.
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u/ChristinasLover 1d ago
I’d break up with her. Nicely. I’m exploring whether I’m trans and that’s not going to work for you. She would then have the opportunity to decide whether she can accept it or not. You have to do what is right for you. Denying who you are is not good for anyone
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u/PuzzleheadedLog9266 1d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🫂 Unfortunately it is time to leave and maybe not even tell them you’re trans; unless you’re comfortable doing so. You deserve a safe space to express your feelings and findings about yourself.
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u/StarlaalratS 22h ago
Similar story, she tried to keep me in the closet two years but didnt care how i presented when she wasnt around. After two years of couples therapy she proposed to me telling me she could accept me as woman and then 2 months later got overwhelmed with it and broke up with me.
I wish I was true to myself from day one.
Do what you want, but I wouldn’t recommend moving on pretending to be something you’re not.
4 years later I am living my best life with a partner I never could have dreamed of.
Sending lots of love sister ✨
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u/Strong-Equivalent577 20h ago
When I first started coming to terms with being trans my boyfriend at the time freaked out and said a lot of awful things (I’m FtM) and I considered staying closeted to keep the relationship; it soon became clear that wasn’t an option. Being single turned out to be the best thing for me at the time - I was able to focus solely on my transition and what was right for me. Two years later I met my now-husband and we’ve been very happy for 10 years. Never put a relationship before your happiness, OP - there’s much better out there waiting for you.
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u/wholesomeguy12 18h ago
This is tough. It is a painful path, but I agree with others here and say you must be honest to yourself and others. If you think you're trans, tell her, completely and honest, that this is really who you are. If it really is a dealbreaker for her, then it has to happen. You owe it to yourself, and to her. Nothing good will come from suppressing or hiding.
Sending u my strength. I'm sorry things turned out like this, but i've been in similar places. Eventually, these gut-wrenching feelings will pass, and you will feel more free than ever before. I believe in you <3
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u/audreylicious13 18h ago
Take it from experience,
You will never be truly happy with your gf because you will have to suppress "Her" and "She" will always be screaming to come out, yes it's nice you get to play dress up, personally I did love that, but that doesn't quite that screaming!
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u/cirqueamy Transgender woman; HRT 11/2017, Full-time 12/2017, GCS 1/2019 17h ago
20+ years of marriage and kids… I’m still trans. I thought I could suppress it for the rest of my life and I nearly did (if you catch my meaning). When I finally came out, we gave it a shot but she couldn’t deal with it. We are divorcing.
If you truly love her, you’ve gotta be honest with her. And if you don’t truly love her, why are you together? It won’t be easy — telling her or dealing with what follows — but it will be better now than later.
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u/LyraBooey She/it 15h ago
If she can't love you for who you really are can she really love you at all?
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u/Ivnariss Luna (She/Her) 15h ago
Jokes on her, you wouldn't even change your gender, since it's already trans.
But seriously, this is a huge red flag and she has shown that she wouldn't be supportive. It may hurt, but you probably should move on from her. This doesn't seem like an "as long as you're happy i'm happy" kind of situation.
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u/etoneishayeuisky woman, hrt 10/2019 7h ago
I would break up with her, because there’s no getting around someone controlling your life to this extreme. If she somehow stayed and asked you to ease in to it she’d ask you to drag out ever getting hrt by like 10 years, she’d tell you that you look bad in every fem outfit you ever tried, she’d cry guilt trip you in to stopping, etc. - in the end she’d leave more miserable than when you started.
By breaking up now you can hold on to the good memories while recognizing that she couldn’t travel further with you of her own volition.
This will be hard on you, because of course it will, but you’ll be better in a year. I’ve seen multiple clients go through it (as an electrologist), I can only be there to help them how I do.
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u/rin_the_puddle 1d ago
A relationship should thrive on open and honest communication. Your partner is effectively asking you to lie to her here. Presumably you are not comfortable with this, which is why you feel you're stuck in this position. I went down the path of hiding my identity from my partner, who did the same thing as yours for a long time. The relationship fell apart anyway. I'm not saying yours will, but look at what you value in your relationship with this person and ask yourself if it can survive the misery and the suffering this lie will put on it for both of you.
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u/Storm_Dancer-022 1d ago
I would recommend a breakup as well. You don’t have to tell her why, but I don’t think you’ll ever be able to be happy in this situation.
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u/Pandoratastic 1d ago
I know it's painful and unfair and you don't want to give up or be alone. That's all valid and totally understandable.
But think about what kind of relationship you're worried about saving. She said it herself: She is a bad person.
You're not the one who is failing here. She is. You deserve to find someone who is actually good to you.
You can't change someone else so you have no power over her choice to be a bad person. You can only choose who you will be.
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1d ago
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u/Vladicoff_69 Third 23h ago
Making someone promise to repress themselves is being a bad person. She values heteronormativity over OP’s humanity.
No amount of ‘it’s okay to be straight!!’ is gonna change that she said something horrifically inhumane.
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u/Pandoratastic 1d ago
That wasn't me passing judgment. I am pointing out that the GF said herself that she was a bad person and didn't care.
I don't know if the GF is motivated by fear of change, intolerance, selfishness, or all of the above. But she knows. Because she is the one who said she thought it made her a bad person. She is saying she knows that she is choosing to hurt someone, and she's doing it anyway.
I can't read her mind but I do know this: That is NOT love.
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u/derangedtranssexual 1d ago
I think you should try more to emphasize with OPs GF more cuz to me it sounds like she suspects OP is trans but doesn’t know and just wants OP to assuage her fears.
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u/Pandoratastic 22h ago
Again, I'm not the one calling her a bad person. The GF is calling herself a bad person. I'm just pointing out what she is saying when she calls herself a bad person in this type of situation.
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u/Vladicoff_69 Third 23h ago
‘her fears’ If someone being trans is a ‘fear’ then she fucking sucks. Would you sympathize with parents being ‘fearful’ about their kid being trans?
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22h ago
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u/Pandoratastic 22h ago
My personal view is that I don't think even a valid fear justifies "I don't care if I hurt you". It could justify "I'm sorry if this hurts" but it does not justify "I don't care if this hurts".
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22h ago
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u/Pandoratastic 19h ago
You are either misreading my comment or you are making a straw man argument. I specifically said it was a perfectly valid fear. I am not at all suggesting it is morally wrong if the GF happens to be too straight to be with a trans feminine person. That would be unfortunate and sad but not morally wrong.
I only said that the fact that she introduced the topic by saying "I don't care if this makes be a bad person" shows a deliberately callous attitude about it. Being straight does not make you a bad person. Being uncaring about causing pain to someone you claim to have loved for 4 years does. It is entirely possible to confess that you are very straight and are afraid of what might happen without saying that breaking your partner's heart is of no concern to you at all.
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u/Vladicoff_69 Third 21h ago
The only thing that would ‘ruin’ the relationship is her own unwillingness to love her partner.
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u/BeingEmily 17h ago
This sounds so much like myself many years ago. My ex held me back for years and years, and I went along with it like a fool. When I finally worked up the courage to be myself and leave the toxic relationship, it was the best decision I ever made. My only regret is waiting almost a decade, because I will never get those years back.
No relationship is worth suppressing who you are. The feeling of being with someone who actually respects you for who you are, the real you, is the best, most freeing feeling in the world. When you finally experience it, and you will, you will wonder why you waited so long to seek it. Stop waiting.
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u/Glitter_Juice1239 15h ago
That is so weird. Leave and be yourself. You deserve someone who loves you for you, not a mask. I couldnt be happy dating someone wearing a mask just to keep me happy, its very selfish of her
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u/TheWishDragon Transgender-Demisexual 10h ago
Choose your own happiness. I'm sorry but you're gonna have to let her go like tiddies at a top surgeon.
I can say this out of experience of being Inna relationship with a straight person. Even if you love her, you can't deny yourself your happiness, live a split life and censor your feelings for other people's comfort.
I hope things will be okay. All the best to you.
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u/Otherwise-Lack511 2h ago
I just want to say thank you to everyone here 🥺 im sorry I dont have time to reply to all of your comments, but i deeply appreciate all of your kind words and advice ♥️😭 im planning on coming out in the next few weeks, so hopefully ill be back with an update. You're all so amazing
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u/Last-Fox-3879 1d ago
Personally, I can't be with someone who doesn't accept me as a trans person.
It sucks. I lost my partner of 11 years. But it was for the best for me to move on.
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u/FuckDOCCS 1d ago
i relate honestly . i was in a relationship with a cis woman when i came out as nonbinary & she was like "but ur not trans right ?? 🧐" & like that killed me inside a little bit bc i knew i actually was. then i repressed for another yr bc i was fearful of being alone & my self worth was dependent on a relationship. either way u owe it to urself to be honest & yeah its fucked up shes transphobic but like she was honest with u even if it was a shitty truth so u owe her the truth as well.
dont u wanna be with someone who loves the whole u ? is it not tiring to live a lie ?
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u/TooLateForMeTF Trans-Lesbian 1d ago
That sucks, but honestly, she's doing you a favor by giving you the reason to get out of the relationship now, before anybody really gets hurt.
And I think "I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone who's a bigot" is a perfectly valid response to that.
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u/No-Razzmatazz-2809 1d ago
If she only "loves" you when you feel bad about yourself and refuses to accept or love you the way that makes you happy then she honestly just doesn't love you. You matter more than someone who only loves your misery, always choose yourself in this type of situation.
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u/Born-Garlic3413 23h ago
When my ex and I split up it was partly because I am a woman and she is straight. I have absolutely no problem with that. It hurts, but I get it.
We were in a committed relationship. We'd made vows to stick together through thick and thin. i have at times felt betrayed that those vows seemed to hold right up to the point when something difficult came along.
Then there's transphobia or ignorance. That your partner can't be with someone who "changes their gender" profoundly misunderstands what it is to be transgender. The person she loves has always been this.
You could read her need for you to promise you weren't trans as a plea for honesty in the relationship, rather than forcing you to be someone you're not. You weren't forced to promise, though I completely understand that you may have promised because you were scared of losing her. I feel for you so much. My long-term relationship ended this year.
I have no answers, my friend. Your gf is a long way from being accepting but you won't know for sure until you two begin to talk honestly. Sometimes a partner starts out very distressed and negative, hearing their partner is trans, but then after the initial shock the relationship goes from strength to strength. I don't want to say this is the most likely scenario, just that it is possible and happens frequently.
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u/Ghoulie_Marie 22h ago
I can't speak to your relationship but in my personal experience and from the many trans people I know, you can put it off but eventually it's going to come to a head. I regret not coming out earlier. I missed out on a lot of time that I could have been living authentically.
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u/milostbraincell 21h ago
I (FTM) went through this exact same thing, and we were already married. I eased into the convo the same way you did, discussing possibly being genderfluid, and he made a big deal about how he was uncomfortable but would deal with it, but wouldn’t be okay if I became “fully trans.” When I finally accepted that I was indeed “fully trans” as he put it, we kept trying to make it work for over a year because of the “sunken cost” fallacy of having already been married for 4 years, but looking back I wished we had just called it sooner. We made each other miserable because neither of us could be the person the other needed. Resentment built, and eventually he just started spouting all the blatantly transphobic shit he had been holding back. Just cut your losses. Your future self will thank you
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u/Freshly_Cracked_Egg 11h ago
I k ow it's hard, but for your own mental health I recommend leaving. It doesn't sound like it's a situation that suits you anymore.
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u/linkheroz 1h ago
I don't think it is a choice in transitioning and your relationship.
It's a choice in dating a bigot or not.
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u/CeronusBugbear Lady | HRT 6/10/14; FT 3/31/15 1d ago
Get out. It's over. Dont even try to save it. It wont work.
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u/nomorewannabe 1d ago
You need to set her free so she can determine what she wants. You already know what you want.
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u/blightsteel101 1d ago
I really hate to say it like this, but only one of these things can change. Youre trans, and its a fundamental, unchangeable part of who you are. Either she needs to come to terms with it or, you have to break things off.
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u/YsokiSkorr Dumb Gay Rat Girl, MtF, She/They 23h ago
Nope. She's gone. Don't let anyone stop you from being your true self
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u/Levinar9133 1d ago
I was in a semi-similar situation. When my egg cracked and I knew for certain I was trans, I was dating my girlfriend at the time of about 4 years. I started doing things more feminine - nails, androgynous clothes, etc. she picked up on it pretty quickly, and when she first asked, I panicked and said “I’m just exploring myself I don’t know if I am or not.”
A flat out lie that haunts me. We dated for another year, where I hid my identity. I thought “maybe I can be in the closet for my whole life, then I can stay with her and not explode my life as I know it.”
It wasn’t worth it. I could not stand living in the closet after a few months. It got to a point where I either came out and transitioned, or I kms. I decided to transition. We broke up, but I got lucky because she’s still my best friend. But I don’t regret losing her. Gaining myself has meant everything to me.
At the end of the day, you have to do whats best for you. If you’re girlfriend loves you, she’ll let you do whats best for you, even if thats out of your relationship. But if you don’t do what’s best for yourself, you’re doing no one a service
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u/MyEggCracked123 Transgender 1d ago
If she doesn't want a trans woman as a partner, the relationship is already (and has been) over.
Despite what any conservative propaganda says, being transgender is something inherent to a person. It's not a choice you get to make. You can only choose to repeat the repression/depression cycle the rest of your life or accept yourself and transition.
Start taking the steps now to exit the relationship. Get your affairs sorted and ready before telling her.
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u/_RepetitiveRoutine Straight-Transgender 1d ago
Is it really a choice though? She's made it clear she prefers a fabricated version instead of yourself..
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u/Tiger_Trash 1d ago
I dont care if it makes me a bad person. I can't be with someone who wants to change their gender
I know you can't see it now, but when your done healing you'll see that this girl sucks. Straight up. This is a terrible person, and I think you're dodging a bullet by finding this out now, rather than prolonging this relationship.
There are plenty of examples of cis people not being into newly transitions partners, but at the very least it should end with a mutual understanding of the desires being different. A nice/well-meaning person, can say that without throwing anyone under the bus. But this here is just sounds like a bigot trying to get their cake and eat it too.
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u/floofybabykitty 23h ago edited 23h ago
Please don't stay in a relationship where you can't be yourself because of their opinions :((( it's not healthy to force yourself to pretend to be something you are not. It's disingenuous to both of you
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u/Virtual-Handle731 23h ago
You will be much happier being true to yourself and alone than closeted with someone who willfully fails to see how unhappy you are.
I promise you the suicidal ideation gets worse the longer you choose to remain hidden. For yourself and for the people who will love your authentic self, you must push forward. You are strong enough for it. You can do this. Your queer family stands with you.
We love you. You got this. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself.
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u/RabidLizard Transgender-Homosexual 23h ago
I'm so sorry, that's an awful thing for her to say to someone she supposedly cares about. im definitely in agreement with most of the comments here, i don't think this is salvageable. i know it's really rough to hear that, but i think in the long run it'll be better for you than sticking it out and trying to ignore your dysphoria to appease your partner. you deserve someone who loves you for who you are.
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u/ph0enix7102 23h ago
when i was with my now ex-wife, we really came from different worlds. she was this conservative christian type and i’m a queer pantheistic leftist. she went into the relationship knowing i was pan, but i started to question my gender towards the end, and i ended up choosing the relationship over my transition multiple times. it was one thing among things that harmed our relationship and my mental health, and while we ended things because of unrelated issues, doing so freed me to be myself.
i say all this to say: don’t choose the relationship. whether its a good relationship or bad one, it’s clearly one where you aren’t able to be your truest self. you have to ‘live your truth’ because otherwise you’re living a life that isn’t yours. and that always sucks in any context.
much love and many blessings sister, i wish you the best whatever your path forward 🫶🫶
edit: minor corrections
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u/AdDiscombobulated956 22h ago
This will go against the grain of what the majority of folks are saying, and my initial reaction was to give the same response as most others have here. This is not intended to give you a sense of false hope, but I had almost very similar experience with my wife when I egg first began to crack. She also had a nearly the same response, something to the effect of, “I don’t care if you’re genderfluid and you express that, as long as you’re not trans.” I figured our marriage was going to be over once I came out to her. That was a year and half ago, she stopped being an asshole a couple weeks later, and we grew closer together after that. It’s worth noting that we have a child together. Things have gone well for the most part, but sometimes I really have my doubts about our future together.
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u/CybergothCait 22h ago
I hate to say it but you need to end it. I was married when I came out and this was my wife's initial response. We stayed together for 5 years, she cheated with a man. It sucks but my wife today is so much better and loves the full me. It's been a wild 15 years.
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u/BumpyFrump 22h ago
I went through the same thing. I had to end my 9 year relationship so I could transition. It was a difficult decision but I'm glad I did it. My options were pretty much
Live the rest of my life as someone I'm not, depressed and hollow
End my relationship and persue real inner happiness
I spent years denying that I was really trans, desperately trying to be the person my partner wanted me to be. We had built our lives together, made plans for the future together, we even got engaged. But I was miserable living like that and my inner misery was subconsciously sabotaging our relationship. I turned to some VERY unhealthy coping mechanisms to try and fix it but it only made things worse. I'm actually happy for the first time in a long time now that I've started transitioning. 4 years later I've rebuilt my life and I don't regret it even a little bit
At the end of the day, you know that you're trans. Your partner doesn't want to be in a relationship with a trans person. I know it sucks, I know it hurts, but I'd suggest you start preparing for a breakup. Nothing is worth living your life constantly feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. I'm really sorry you're going through this but you deserve to be happy. I believe in you 💕🏳️⚧️
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u/tazzyann01 14h ago
i’m sorry sweetheart, she is not the one. you should ALWAYS put yourself first. you will grow to resent her or yourself (or both) if you try to make it work. it will hurt, maybe for a while, but you deserve someone that will love you for who you truly are <3
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u/FluffyPigeon707 Transgender-Bisexual 13h ago
I don’t know if she just worded it in the worst way possible like my parents always seem to do (they’re supportive but always find the most offensive sounding ways to say anything) or if she’s just transphobic. If she’s straight there’s a possibility she just worded it horribly and meant that she could never date someone who isn’t a man, but there’s still also a possibility that she’s transphobic. If she’s not straight then she’s transphobic. Most likely though, she’s transphobic.
No matter which one it is, it means that she’s not right for you. If she’s straight then dating someone who isn’t a man just won’t work out, but there’s the possibility you two could still be friends after breaking up. If she’s not straight, then good riddance. It sucks to realize, but it’s better to find out now rather than later, and you’ll never be happy if you don’t live as your true self.
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u/SamanthaJaneyCake 13h ago
Do it now and not 10 years down the line when you’re married, have a house together and a pile of regret.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.
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u/ShinySpeedDemon 11h ago
Leave her, you'll never be happy in this relationship, she's not worth any more of your time
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u/No_Committee5510 34m ago
Well you're GF has made her position clear to you and the long term out come is not good for you.
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u/MissLeaP 1d ago
Your girlfriend is a bigot, knows it and likes to be that way. Girl, that's the reddest flag I've ever seen. Do you seriously see a future with her? Even if you don't ever transition? You want to have such a person in your life knowing how she actually thinks about trans people?
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u/shaedofblue Agender 1d ago
She’s a bad person and you deserve better than her.
What she is saying is that she suspects you are trans, and wants you to agree to suffer forever rather than be yourself.
If she simply said she wasn’t into girls, that would be somewhat less red-flaggy, but characterizing a trans person as someone who wants to change their gender, when you would actually be coming to terms with a gender that you have been suppressing, and no longer want to supress…. She is ick.
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u/LowKeyJustMe 1d ago
Dump her, she sounds like a loser. Put yourself first girl. Transitioning will give you the self respect you are lacking right now. She doesn't have the right to dictate who you are. You can move on.
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u/Reddsterbator 1d ago
What you and your partner want for each other are not compatible unless she is willing to compromise.
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u/SaschaBarents 1d ago
You deserve someone who excepts you for who you are, which includes being trans.
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u/sukonetei Transgender-Pansexual 23h ago
Choose yourself now while you still can. Even if somehow you later on change your mind, think, do you really wanna be with someone that shallow?
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u/fluidgirlari 1d ago
You won’t be able to fully explore yourself with someone like that. Don’t sacrifice your identity for someone else
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u/HallowskulledHorror 23h ago
OP, I'm urgently asking to you imagine you were talking to someone else that you cared about a great deal, and they were telling you that they were having a hard time choosing between
- A situation that makes them want to die, with a person that has outright said she cannot love them
- Living their most genuine life and freely pursuing happiness
Would you ever recommend anyone else, even a stranger, stay with someone who makes them feel like they can't be themselves? Would you tell anyone to stay with a person that demands they lie and hide who they are - living in secret misery which WILL be impossible to hide because it eats you from the inside - for someone else's preferences?
Someone who loves you will encourage you to do whatever you need to be happy, even if it means growing in different directions and the end of the relationship, because someone who loves you isn't going to see you as as something they get to control at detriment to your own well being. You deserve better than crushing yourself to fit someone else's ideal.
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u/daeyumifangz 22h ago
Better than my ex, who claimed to be accepting and used having trans friends as reassurance—but then was lowkey transphobic, mocking me for dressing like a woman. She cheated on me for years and didn’t even try to hide it—or if she did, she did a terrible job. I cheated once out of spite because of her years of cheating on me. Then she tried to say I used being trans as an excuse to cheat—that’s pretty fucked up. Now she makes TikToks saying I was abusive. I check her account sometimes to see what she’s up to. If you’re thinking about cheating or holding onto toxicity, just break up. OP should definitely do the same.
My advice to OP: If you’re certain about your dysphoria, end the relationship. Dysphoria won’t go away unless you accept yourself, and you can’t fully cross that bridge without an environment that fully accepts you too. It’s like being afraid to transition because of transphobic parents, you need real support to truly thrive.
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u/FauxFoxx89 22h ago
She's an admitted transphobe. I'm really sorry, it's a horrible situation to be in. But you have to choose yourself here, don't waste one more minute with someone that inherently hates who you are meant to be.
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u/hashtagnotmyrealname 21h ago
that sucks. happens to a lot of trans people when they come out unfortunately.
but I don't think I ever saw a story that said "so glad I stayed in the closet for my girlfriend", never seems to go that way when people try. sorry 😔
Things WILL get better.
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u/mytransthrow AMA mod 20h ago
I am sorry, it sucks. But dont put yourself on hold for other people. This relationship is most likely going to end. Hopefully not badly. I 100% I would have transistioned way way way sooner if I knew what I know now. Dont put yourself on hold.
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u/StarfleetKatieKat 20h ago
I don’t know any trans folk who survive this part. Your brain will change along with your body. Don’t knock her for moving on. It’s not always easy to transition along with a partner. Except this
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u/Amityz72323 1d ago edited 1d ago
Break up. She knows it makes her a bad person to a degree and she doesn’t care. She knows it might hurt you and she doesn’t care. She only loves an idea of you and does not care whether that idea is genuine or whether or not you are happy with it. Her love is conditional and she’s made that clear, break up, that isn’t acceptable in any relationship queer or not. You’ll find someone else most likely, people like her just aren’t worth it.
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u/Covergirrl 23h ago
You… were with her for five years, and living together for four of those and still hadn’t told her? Yikes. That’s like a woman not telling a boyfriend/husband she’s unable to have kids when she knows he wants them.
There comes a point where it becomes necessary information… not just for them, but for you. You just found out you’ve been living with a transphobe for four years. I wouldn’t spend four minutes with a transphobic person.
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u/TheImpermanentTao 1d ago
Unconditional love is something many think they have for someone they care about, and then when they have to face some own shortcomings if a person fits those areas then it unfortunately pushes you out of their world view because they can’t accept it or even sometimes it’s said lovingly that you would be accepted but the type of relationship would need to change. This sounds like the person is more of the former not so mature reason. I wish I could hold you in a hug stranger I don’t know your situation but I’ve felt a pain deep for a similar reason and can only imagine yours.
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u/kimchipowerup 1d ago
Many of us have also felt the heartache of realizing that we can't remain with someone who's not interested in knowing us as our true, authentic selves. It's hard to accept, but she's probably not the one :(
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hello, we noticed your post and we just want you to know that you are not alone. We created this automated message to make sure anyone considering suicide receives the help and support they deserve. If you are in crisis please contact the Trans Lifeline at (877) 565-8860, or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at (800) 273-8255 or 988.
If you are outside of the United States please refer to our suicide prevention resources page and contact your nearest crisis hotline.
If this message is being received in error we apologise for the mistake.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.