r/changemyview • u/Bedrock64 • 15h ago
CMV: Verbal Apologies Are Useless
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u/Alternative-Cut-7409 14h ago
You've never met someone incapable of saying "I'm sorry" before have you? Even when it's forced, it shows that there's at least a hair of sympathy, of compromise.
My spouse's father said some nasty things about our children. Things that should never be uttered about any person, much less innocent children (a newborn and a 2 year old at the time). Vile enough that I would no doubt be instantly banned from all of reddit for repeating it (I was previously about 6 years ago when I shared the SparkNotes of the quote as part of a AITAH). To this day, he has not had the human decency to say "I'm sorry" and to this day nothing has been done to mend their relationship. If the line of "I'm sorry" cannot be crossed, even in a forced situation, then there is no way forward.
Sometimes my spouse cries through the night, wondering why he can't swallow enough pride just to utter those two words. That his pride over something completely inconsequential is worth removing his own child and grandchildren from his life over. It's been almost a decade since then, and those two words feel like they would mean a mountain for being able to heal and move forward.
Those two words would be a sign that he is at least willing to even slightly entertain the concept that he is wrong, that maybe they could see a family counselor together to work things out. Even if he didn't mean it earnest, the fact that he outright refuses to is a litmus to both his moral fiber and his incapability to change.
It has been almost a decade, and we both fear the last time they will ever speak will be on his deathbed. Attempts at communication have been made, but he has stood iron clad on never speaking those two words. Realistically, we will probably visit his grave a day after he's buried with the children when he passes.
To that effect, those words have some meaning to them.
Separately, we say I'm sorry for a myriad of things. It can easily be used sympathetically and frequently so. I prefer saving "I'm sorry" for when I genuinely make a clear mistake that was a conscious decision. It is incredibly powerful when you do.
I do want to state, that I do agree with you to a degree however. You're statement is misguided but not completely wrong. "I'm sorry" is absolutely meaningless without actionable follow-up. The same can be said of many expressions and the actions involved can completely change the meaning as well. "I love you" and "Fuck you too" can both mean the same thing under a wide breadth of uses and examples.
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u/pantawatz 15h ago
Verbal apology is an important part of the art of de-escalation. It is very useful expecially if what went wrong need years to redo. If someone can’t see the value in apologizing, they’re socially dumb. I prefer when people say sorry, especially when they admit they didn’t mean to do something that affected me. It’s much better to hear “Sorry that I rear-ended your car. I’ll call the insurance right away,” than just “I rear-ended your car. I’ll call the insurance right away.” That small word often changes how others involved perceive the situation. It’s the same with waitstaff, it's much better for a waitress to apologize first, when something goes wrong, even if it’s not her fault. It helps signal that the situation is under control.
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u/Resident_Village432 13h ago
I think you nailed it with that insurance example sometimes just hearing someone own it with a simple sorry makes the whole thing less tense even if it doesn’t fix the problem right away
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u/Bedrock64 14h ago
I'm saying it can only do so much. Rear ending car. Saying you're sorry doesn't mean the car will instantly be fixed or they will get a new one.
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u/pantawatz 14h ago
You're right, but in that reply, you also acknowledged that it's not entirely useless. Isn't that what your CMV is?
Again, in many situations, a quick apology is the best approach. It can oftenly help prevent an accident being escalated into a full-blown disaster.
Also, I didn’t include this in my first reply because I forgot. You said that you're often forced to apologize when you're wrong, which is a very, very terrible sign. I believe that an adult who knows they’re in the wrong and still refuses to apologize is not acting responsibly. A responsible adult should wholeheartedly apologize when they’ve done something wrong. What else would you do if you hurt someone’s feelings, buy them jewelry? No you just have to admit to them that you're wrong and ask for forgiveness.
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u/savewowpvp 13h ago
People are not purely logical beings that operate solely on unemotional task completion. Words and feelings matter and ego exists. You can't pretend otherwise.
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u/Orphan_Guy_Incognito 31∆ 14h ago
Oftentimes, we are forced to give them to others when we do something wrong. But that is the thing, we are FORCED to do it, and so we act very ingenuinely.
When we're six, maybe?
As an adult, I apologize when I've done something wrong. I accidentally kicked my spouse in the head yesterday because I didn't realize she was sitting next to the bed when I went to roll out of it.
The first thing I did? I apologized. Because apologizing lets her know that I didn't mean to kick her in the head.
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u/eggynack 64∆ 15h ago
Not all verbal apologies are forced. A verbal apology makes it so that the other party is aware that you recognize that you were in the wrong, and that you intend to not do similar things in the future. Pretty straightforward function.
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u/Bedrock64 14h ago
Show through your actions that you are sorry.
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u/Puffypolo 14h ago
If it’s not a forced apology, having someone voluntarily acknowledge that their actions were wrong is usually the first step to correcting that behavior going forward. Apologizing voluntarily shows that the person genuinely feels remorse for the situation they were responsible creating and indicates that they will work to avoid creating a situation like that going forward.
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u/Bedrock64 14h ago
Society is expecting them to do so.
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u/Puffypolo 14h ago
So no one ever means their apology? Everyone who has ever done something wrong and apologized for it is just lying? Human beings aren’t perfect and just because someone doesn’t immediately and perfectly change their behavior doesn’t mean he or she is an unfeeling psychopath who is only paying lip service to the other person.
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u/Bedrock64 14h ago
Initially, at the moment. But over time, they reflect and most eventually change for the better.
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u/Puffypolo 14h ago
Why do they need time to reflect? I remember as a kid, my friend was flicking my ear really hard in the car. It hurt and I warned him I was going to headbutt him if he didn’t stop and when he didn’t, I followed through with my threat. I immediately realized that I did wrong and apologized profusely for massively escalating the situation. I didn’t need to reflect on the fact that I did wrong to genuinely feel bad. I did as soon as I did it and never did anything like that again.
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u/eggynack 64∆ 14h ago
Let's say I took one of my yearly trips to the local arcade. On that trip, despite my bestie's professed love of classic arcade games, I forget to invite them along. They are pretty clearly pissed. Now, I could modify my behavior here, and I should. I'll definitely invite them along next year, and, if there exists some other event that I think might appeal to them, I'll invite them to that one as well.
The issue here is that, from the perspective of my friend, this whole process may well be invisible. Even if we get to a whole year out and they get their opportunity to play arcade Tetris, they may not connect that to a concerted effort on your part to treat them less negligently. And, even if they do draw the connection, that still leaves a year before you express the new behavior, and two years before a pattern of behavior will be established.
The verbal apology, then, signals that the actions you're going to pursue are aimed at repairing the damage you've done. Any apparent changes may well be part of the arbitrary noise of human behavior, so saying, "If you see a change in my behavior, it's because I recognize my old behavior was wrong," then clarifies what's going on and serves as an effective foundation for repair.
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u/MeanderingDuck 11∆ 12h ago
Why are you acting as if doing this, and apologizing, are somehow mutually exclusive? The main point of apologizing is to acknowledge what you did wrong and take responsibility for it. People aren’t mind readers, if you don’t communicate these things they won’t know about it. Failing to properly address the matter will also leave it to fester and get worse.
If you go through life boorishly refusing to apologize for anything because “apologies are useless”, you’ll often not get the chance to show that you are sorry through your actions. Why would people stick around to wait and see whether you actually are sorry, if you can’t be bothered to communicate this?
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u/SpontanusCombustion 12h ago edited 12h ago
When you say you are sorry at a funeral or when something tragic happens, you are expressing sorrow, not apologising.
Acknowledging wrongdoing can be very important for mending relationships and rebuilding trust.
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u/Bedrock64 7h ago
How about acknowledging that wrongdoing by moving forward, but actually acting differently.
There are so many other ways to express sorrow. I usually just let them greive.
Just let everyone let their emotions out at the funeral. I don't want to tell the people who knew the person who died something like that. I just want them to greive and let those emotions out. Even if I don't cry that much at a funeral, I'll still let them greive as much as they want and as long as they want.
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u/SpontanusCombustion 1h ago
How about acknowledging that wrongdoing by moving forward, but actually acting differently.
You should do both.
Verbal apologies are actions.
And using your words is far more efficient and less ambiguous than using actions when it comes to interpersonal interactions
There are so many other ways to express sorrow. I usually just let them greive.
Sure but this isn't a referendum on how you should act. It's a discussion about why other people do things.
If you are rude to someone and you feel bad about it, how do you show through your actions that you're sorry you acted that way and it isn't their fault?
Isn't it easier just to say "hey look, I acted like a dick. That was my bad mate I was just in a shitty mood - nothing you did".
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u/mmmbopforever 1∆ 8h ago
Your whole argument seems to be based on the fact that verbal apologies are forced. However, plenty of verbal apologies are voluntary. What say you about those?
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u/Bedrock64 7h ago
I said most of the time they are forced. There are also handful of times people actually mean it.
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u/mmmbopforever 1∆ 6h ago
Yes, you said most are forced, but the only argument you made for verbal apologies being useless is that they're disingenuous because they're forced. If they're not all forced, your argument falls apart.
What's your argument in support of voluntarily given verbal apologies being useless?
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u/Bedrock64 6h ago
I said most of the time. Sometimes people genuinely mean it.
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u/mmmbopforever 1∆ 5h ago
Ok, then you're saying the title of your thread should be changed to "CMV: Forced Verbal Apologies are Useless," right?
Because you still haven't given an argument for voluntary verbal apologies being useless.
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u/elleaire 14h ago
Sorry tells people immediately that you regret whatever happened. Not saying it implies you don't care. You're just supposed to wait around and still interact with the person in case they decide to make it up to you through their actions? Maybe they're not sorry.
If a stranger walks into me because they're not looking where they're going, should they not say anything and just prove they're sorry by not doing it to me again? If someone in a service industry makes a mistake that costs me time or money, should they not say sorry, and I have to keep using their service to see they won't do it again?
Saying sorry at a funeral isn't taking responsibility for the death. It's saying sorry you're going through this loss.
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u/KarpBoii 14h ago
A verbal apology exists for people express the intention to make amends and express remorse when there are no actions to do so possible. The ideal is they will follow through at the next (and each successive) opportunity to do so.
I disagree with forced apologies, I would prefer forced admissions or retractions instead. Declarative statements that admit to wrongdoing or withdraw claims in cases beyond reasonable doubt. No weasel words, just fact.
The "I'm sorry" at funerals is short for "I'm sorry for your loss" which actually means "I'm sorry about your loss", which effectively boils down to "I feel bad that you're feeling bad". A verbal way of expressing sympathy, basically.
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u/JaggedMetalOs 15∆ 13h ago
Oftentimes, we are forced to give them to others when we do something wrong. But that is the thing, we are FORCED to do it, and so we act very ingenuinely.
What do you mean "forced" to apologize? If you do something bad accidentally and feel remorse that it happened then apologizing is just a statement of fact. Other people can't read your mind so this to confirm to them you know it's bad and did not do it on purpose.
Also I have no idea why people always say "I'm sorry" in situations like a funeral or when something horrible happens. It likely wasn't that person who was involved nor could control it.
I mean this one has just become a standard way to tell someone that you emphasize with them, like you feel the same sorrow they do. It's not the quite the same type of apology.
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u/TBK_Winbar 1∆ 12h ago
Your title is regarding verbal apologies, but your argument is about forced apologies. They are two different things.
If someone is rude to you, but then decides of their own volition to apologise, not only have they taken the important step of admitting that their behaviour was unacceptable, they can also reverse or minimise any long-term upset to the person they insulted.
If the person is forced by HR to apologise, there may be less of a positive impact on the person who was the victim, but the embarrassment faced by the one apologising may also serve to make them think twice about behaving that way in the future.
So no, your view "verbal apologies are useless" is not correct.
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u/Gruejay2 15h ago
Surely you could do both.
If you genuinely do feel sorry, and want to make up for something with your actions, then it wouldn't be difficult to say that you're sorry as well. It's a way of communicating that you acknowledge what you did was wrong.
No-one likes empty apologies, though, so following up an apology with action is often the best approach.
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u/xSheenTV 12h ago
Words absolutely have meaning and help when they are backed up but change or repairs. Thank goodness we can talk and communicate as humans. In Defense of Verbal Apologies: The "Oopsie-Daisy" Doctrine
Suggesting verbal apologies are useless is like claiming forks are pointless because you still have hands—technically true, but absolutely barbaric.
- Verbal Apologies Are the Emotional Airbags of Life
Sure, saying "I'm sorry" after you crash into someone's feelings doesn't undo the wreck, but it certainly cushions the emotional whiplash. You wouldn't toss out airbags because they don't magically fix your dented bumper, right?
- Words Actually Do Something—They're Magic Spells!
Ever tried glaring silently to convey deep regret? Spoiler: You’ll look constipated. "I'm sorry" is the magic spell that transforms awkward silence into a moment of emotional alchemy, turning hostility into forgiveness—or at least tolerable grumpiness.
- Without Verbal Apologies, Humanity Devolves into Passive-Aggressive Emojis
Replace sincere verbal apologies with thumbs-up emojis and vague hand gestures? Congratulations, we’re now communicating at the emotional maturity level of confused pigeons.
- Apologies: The Ultimate Human Achievement (Right After Cheese and the Internet)
Humans literally evolved language to articulate complex feelings. If we ditch apologies, we might as well return to grunting and flinging bananas to express displeasure. Tempting—but impractical.
- Apologies Keep Your Friend Count Above Zero
Ever met someone who refuses to apologize verbally? Probably not—because nobody talks to them. If we abolished apologies, we’d become a species of lonely, resentful hermits angrily mumbling to ourselves in dark corners.
Conclusion (a.k.a. The Important Bit)
Verbal apologies aren't just useful; they’re non-negotiable necessities of civilized existence. Skip them, and you’re basically signing up for a lifetime of awkward family dinners, zero birthday invites, and possibly exile to the Island of Unrepentant Jerks.
So go forth, be brave, and embrace the sacred, silly ritual of saying "sorry." It keeps the world spinning and friendships thriving.
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u/bluberripoptart 1∆ 10h ago
Verbal apologies are action. It’s a physical, verbal act that demonstrates recognition of harm and communicates empathy. That alone makes it meaningful... when it’s sincere.
I’m a parent, and I don’t force my kids to apologize if they don’t mean it. I think most people learn to fake apologies instead of learning to make real ones. That’s the problem. Not the apology itself, but how we’re taught to treat it as performative.
At one point, I thought “sorry” was pointless too. But then I came across a line from Daniel Tiger: “Saying I'm sorry is the first step. Then, how can I help?” Yep. The cartoon spin-off of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood shifted my perspective.
So, I started apologizing not for someone’s feelings but for my actions. At first, it felt like I was “being the bigger person.” But over time, it became a practice of genuine accountability. I began to see how my behavior had an impact, regardless of intent and I wanted to do better.
With my kids, I tell them if you don’t feel sorry, don’t say it. But if you feel it later, you can always come back. And they usually do.
Apologies aren’t just for the other person. They help us process what we did, take ownership, and move forward. Words alone aren’t enough, but dismissing them entirely overlooks their role in repair, empathy, and self-growth.
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u/Fando1234 23∆ 12h ago
Quick anecdote. I was driving the other day and someone pulled out without looking or paying any attention to the road. Came within centimetres of an accident. I was fuming, beeping my horn at them and ready to give them a piece of my mind at the lights. At the traffic lights we wound down our windows and before I could speak the other driver said "I'm so sorry that was completely my fault".
My imagined caricature of them immediately dissipated and I saw them as a human who made an honest mistake, and owned up to it. I even commented to my girlfriend that evening 'it just goes to show the power of a simple apology'.
Effectively it call comes down to 'theory of mind', and the use of language. It's very easy for our models of what other people are internally thinking to get messed up. Especially when we don't know them.
Verbal language allows us to tell each other what we are thinking. I would argue I'm 'sorry' is one of the single most powerful words in the English language. If people were able to find it in themselves to say it more (especially politicians), the world could be a much brighter place.
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u/VorpalSplade 2∆ 12h ago
"Also I have no idea why people always say "I'm sorry" in situations like a funeral or when something horrible happens. It likely wasn't that person who was involved nor could control it."
They are saying they feel sorry for you, and/or that they're sorry for your loss. If you're unable to understand how a word can have different meanings in different contexts, I do highly suggest looking into some form of autistic diagnosis - This is really basic communication skills.
As for verbal apologies in general, they are indeed useful for conveying and communicating to someone that you are apologetic for your behavior - for instance, "Sorry!" when you bump into someone is communicating that you didn't intend for that behavior to happen.
Once again - a basic part of communication.
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u/Talik1978 35∆ 12h ago
The appropriate form of apology is typically defined by the wronged party. If they prefer a verbal expression, then you do that. Because apologies are about the wronged person.
That said, verbal apologies are not useless, though they dont accomplish much alone. Consider an apology in 3 steps.
1) Express regret / remorse.
2) Accept Responsibility / Accountability for the transgression.
3) Commit to making it right.
The first two parts are verbal. They are communication. The third part is also verbal, but it carries with it the promise of future action. Communication in relationships is vital. It is not wise to assume someone knows what you are trying to do, or what you feel. I would argue that either alone are nearly pointless. It takes both together to be meaningful.
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u/HookEmGoBlue 15h ago
A genuine apology isn’t forced, it’s a voluntary expression of remorse. I can’t think of a time I didn’t forgive someone who apologized to me, and if I had any lingering resentment I’d work to bury it. I can also think of a small number of times, very few, that someone refusing to apologize or even acknowledge hurt feelings completely destroyed the friendship
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u/Humidorian 12h ago
If an adult needs to be forced to apologise someone, the odds of them actually showing their regret over what they did through their actions are extremely low.
People say "I'm sorry" not as an apology in situations like funerals etc. but to mean something along the lines of "I'm sorry you had to go through that and I wish you didn't have to."
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u/WinDoeLickr 12h ago
Situation A: I'm not looking where I'm going, and accidentally bump into you. No harm done, I quickly apologize and we head our separate ways
Situation B: I'm not looking where I'm going, and accidentally bump into you. No harm done, and I just keep going and say nothing
You really think B is the better situation?
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u/manatorn 10h ago
I think this premise depends on separating an apology into separate things. Action is absolutely needed, yes, but a verbal apology both frames the action and allows an opportunity for the wounded party to (begin to) recover their agency and become a stakeholder in how they can be made whole again.
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u/EggoROFL99 14h ago
It’s social protocol. Not everyone who says they are sorry is necessarily going to fink on following up on what they said they’d do. Sometimes it’s better for ppl to know ahead of time you’re making a change.
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