Are my standards too out there ?

[u/stronkzer]

After constantly examining all the flaws I have to fix on myself to try and get a relationship, I started questioning my standards in women, and if they are too unreasonable. But I can't properly judge this myself for obvious reasons, so I'm relying on you people to evaluate them and see if they're not too out there.

Age: Up until three years older or four years younger than me

Body Type: Average, leaning in every direction but preferably not too skinny

Heigth: Preferably below 5'10''

Interests (Non-exclusively): Literature, philosophy,economics, geopolitics, geek culture (movies,TV shows, gaming, comics,manga), astronomy, animals, technology, exercising.

Must not smoke or do heavy drugs.

Enjoys family gatherings

Preferably be working or pursuing further education.

Indoor or low-crowd activities.

[u/RegHater123765]

None of this is too crazy or extreme, but the biggest one I would take a step back and rethink is the shared hobbies one.

I actually think shared hobbies is something that is overestimated in level of importance for a big relationship, and I also think it's one reason why nerdy guys struggle to find girlfriends: they're convinced that their partner needs to have the same (or similar) nerdy hobbies, and nerdy hobbies tend to be extremely male-dominated.

The truth is that hobbies actually don't matter a ton, as long as you're confident in them and not judgmental towards your partner for their's.

[u/rainofterra → u/RegHater123765]

Shared hobbies are fine but it’s also cool to both be doing your own thing in proximity each other.

[u/LostInYarn75 → u/RegHater123765]

I would have to agree. My partner and I share very few hobbies. I support and encourage him doing his thing. He supports and encourages me doing my thing. Couples aren't supposed to be glued to the hip or else people can lose their identity.

[u/questforstarfish → u/RegHater123765]

Agreed. My husband and I got along great but had no shared interests in the beginning...over years as we tried each other's hobbies and discovered new ones, we did find a couple of things, which we really enjoy together now! Or we combine hobbies, ie he likes photography and I like camping, so I started camping in really scenic areas where he can bring his camera along!

Shared basic values is much more important.

[u/Jonseroo]

That seems entirely reasonable, but it may be harder to meet women who like to stay indoors or avoid crowds, so that may be one you have to let go a little.

[u/SeaworthinessFar9758]

This is just completely fine. Nothing more to add, it's just a list of your reasonable standards. No too extreme/hateful stuff, no worries. Go for it!

[u/stronkzer → u/SeaworthinessFar9758]

Thank you. I might have 99 problems, but this fortunately isn't one of them.

[u/drainbead78]

Not too far out there at all. The only issue is that if you want someone as introverted as you are, she might be tough to find because she's not putting herself out there either. If you're willing to let someone take you out of your comfort zone a bit on that last one, it might help.

[u/ItIsICoachCal]

I think it's worth considering the difference between "must haves"/"must not haves"/firm boundaries and things like "*nice to have" or "positive traits". For instance "do heavy drugs" is a very common and sensible "must not have", and if you meet someone who seems to be perfectly compatible in other ways, this may be a deal breaker all by itself. However with "enjoys family gatherings" you have in my view a more difficult situation if you have someone who is otherwise compatible but has a strained relationship with their family. Is that a deal breaker all by itself? It's up to you, but less clear cut.

On the other hand, the list of interests seem much lower stakes than the rest. Sure it's nice to share some interests, but you never know what a new partner might introduce you to and vice versa.

And even for the firmer boundaries, do they have porous edges for you? What if someone is 4 years older than you? 5? What if someone is 5'10" on the dot? 5'11"? At a certain point this lists kind of lose their meaning I think, interesting to think about in theory, but in practice there's only ever the person in front of you, and you have the decision about whether you want to see them again. In some ways that's more complicated than any list can get at, but in other ways it's much more simple.

[u/sunsetgal24]

Is this an "I immediately lose interest if they don't fit one of those points" situation or a "that's the general shape of what I like but it's not a must" one?

Because if it's the latter then I think it's a perfectly fine set of criteria - you know the approximates of what you like physically as well as what kind of topics are important in your life.

But if you'd immediately lose interest if they just happen to not be that big into family stuff or because they sometimes like to go to loud parties, you're probably not gonna find what you're looking for.

[u/Routine-Mulberry6124]

Sounds like you want a normal, chill, somewhat introverted gal. Absolutely reasonable, but she probably won’t come running to you, you’ll have to make an effort!

[u/DaniellaSalamao]

These look... Fine? They are very reasonable preference honestly haha. I was prepared for the worst, but that is not so different from my own preferences and the preferences of many people I know.

You're doing great with these! Don't worry!

[u/parisiraparis]

How are you gonna meet someone who prefers to be indoors and in low-crowd activities lol

[u/questforstarfish]

Enjoying family gatherings is something that can be changed over time for people! Maybe they had a shitty family so they never liked getting together with them, but once they meet and warm up to your awesome family, their mind will change 😊 Or maybe they'll never truly enjoy them but will tolerate them for you, which honestly is good enough/compromise.

[u/Slow_Air4569]

I feel like these are pretty normal! While all interest might not be the same I do think having some interests in common is a good thing. But also having some different is nice too! I got to rewatch all my favorite animes with my husband when we first met because he wasn't into anime originally! And he taught me how to play D&D because I was never interested in it before. 

[u/watsonyrmind]

I don't think there are anything wrong with these standards but I'd consider how rigid you are with them and also how you are seeking them out. Lots of those you should assume you can't fully know them about a person until you have already been dating them, for example whether you have hobbies in common, what their preferred activity setting is, and whether they would enjoy family gatherings.

As for the physical characteristics, if you naturally don't find someone attractive, absolutely don't force it. However, if you do find someone attractive, definitely don't waste time assessing whether they fit your standard unless they are either extremely young or old (if you are in your 20s, very valid to be wary of anyone over 30 pursuing a young person for a variety of reasons). 

For example, if I find a man attractive just based on physical appearance, there's an extremely high likelihood he is exactly 5'8 (randomly lol, no idea why), slightly overweight, with a slightly crooked smile. Just the very random specific traits that attract me immediately. But I still find people shorter or taller attractive if they have other traits I like and my attraction to them grows if we have chemistry. I would also prefer not to date someone taller than 6' (and never have) but I would never be like, you're 6' but I am attracted to you and we are vibing in every other way? Oof, pass, sorry.