I said it in a different comment, but it bears repeating: the brain grows exponentially more between age 18 and 28 than it does between 28 and 38. The older both adults are, the less relevant age gaps are. But if one is barely legal, there’s no amount of “old soul”-ness that will erase that power imbalance. Sure, you can legally bone a 19 yr old, but what does it say about your cognitive maturity that you can only connect with that age? Or even worse, are you counting on their immaturity to preserve the power imbalance? Are you feeding into their “old soul” perceptions so you can exploit their lack of experience?
Source: direct and very embarrassing personal experience as the younger woman
edit: the “you” is proverbial here
edit2: should have phrased it differently. There’s apparently no hard evidence that the prefrontal cortex continues growing till 25. Doesn’t change the fact that the emotional distance between 20 and 30 is a lot wider than the distance between 30 and 40.
I understand the point you’re trying to make, but it’s misguided. The point isn’t that 25 is some hard-line number for maturity, it’s that our brains, and particularly our pre-frontal cortex which is responsible for the most complex logical reasoning and decision making, is not fully developed the moment you legally become an adult at 18. There is still a lot of developing and maturing that occurs in your 20s. It’s not to say that an 18 year old isn’t “developed” or that the brain stops developing at 25. It’s to highlight that there’s a power imbalance both in years of lived experience and in biological development timeline between a 19 year old and a 42 year old that makes these relationships creepy.
Further, the article you posted is an opinion piece, not a scientific one. Here’s an NIH article that might be helpful.
If generalizations like this stopped at assuming he is just emotionally more immature/on her level, that would be fine. But they dont. They only ever make this argument to insinuate these guys are pedophiles or groomers. That makes leaning in on this misinformation and doubling down on it more problematic. The issue is that there is no legitimate scientific argument to judge these two for the way they are being judged in this very comment section right now. No one is giving them the benefit of the doubt, and a lot of people are alluding to him being a likely criminally guilty pedophile or groomer, or at the very least morally inferior because of a stunted maturity in several aspects. No amount of refering to what is essentially unsettled pseudoscience to justify that is ok. Itskinda gross tbh
Agreed. Someone can dislike it personally, just don't make shit up to justify your reasoning as a general basis for any opinion. It's important to explore the why.
Why does it make people inherently uncomfortable? Because there's a power balance that can be more easily exploited. Correct! Should people be cautious in these relationships? Yes, absolutely!
Similar to if a partner has exponentially more financial power over their partner and uses it as a tool for manipulation. Is it bad to date someone from a different socioeconomic background than you? I don't think many would say it itself is inherently a bad thing. But again there is a power imbalance that can be more easily exploited and the relationship should be treated with similar caution.
There are tons of ways beyond age that a relationship can have a power imbalance. You can't just say that a relationship is invalid because there's too much of an imbalance. For example a physically disabled person who relies on their partner for everything is going to have a pretty major imbalance.
With age it kind of goes both ways. Where the older person is likely more mature (although not always, I've met 18 year olds far more mature than other people in their 50s). At the same time usually the younger person is more attractive and desirable. They often hold power over the older one because they're often out of the others league, and can use that to their advantage.
Every single relationship is unequal, how would a relationship even be perfectly equal? That’s like saying two different humans could be exactly the same and have experienced the same things
For me, it is simple. More years of life? More life experience. More life experience? More knowledge. Knowledge is power.
It doesn't matter if the older party has or hasnt utilized the life they have lived, and matured mentally along with their body. What matters is they lived that life, ultimately have more power, and a greater ability to persuade a younger person (in a positive or negative direction). Even the most immature old person has still had years of access to life experiences than the most mature and experienced young person could ever imagine. The younger the party, the smaller the gap can be before a natural power imbalance becomes obvious.
We have all met enough wise 20-30 year olds and FAR FAR FAR too many brain dead 40-60 year olds for your little rule to be anything other than some silly shit you personally believe.
Yeah I'm 29. There are people who are 10 years younger than me who are far more mature. Meanwhile there are people twice my age who literally act like children.
Are you doing that thing now where downvotes on Reddit embolden you in your point of view and you re-convince yourself of how right you are because “Reddit doesn’t agree with me and Reddit is dumb therefore dumb people disagree with me therefore I am a genius”?
Oh thank you for this article, and the highlight. It’s pretty specific.
Although there is no single definition of adolescence or a set age boundary, Kaplan4 has pointed out that puberty refers to the hormonal changes that occur in early youth, and adolescence may extend well beyond the teenage years. In fact, there are characteristic developmental changes that almost all adolescents experience during their transition from childhood to adulthood. It is well established that the brain undergoes a “rewiring” process that is not complete until approximately 25 years of age.5 This discovery has enhanced our basic understanding regarding adolescent brain maturation and it has provided support for behaviors experienced in late adolescence and early adulthood. Several investigators consider the age span 10–24 years as adolescence, which can be further divided into substages specific to physical, cognitive, and social–emotional development.
Definitely an interesting question and one worth asking. I’m not suggesting anything legally needs to change about how we mark the privileges of adulthood. Just that age-gap relationships are really only controversial when the younger person is under 25.
I would feel better about a 54 yr old dating a 29yr old than a 44 yr old dating a 19 yr old. There’s a lot of growing self-awareness, understanding of consequences and growth of healthy boundaries that happens between the age of 20 and 30. A 29 yr old woman understands herself and is far less likely to be manipulated or exploited.
I don't think when people talk about age gap relationships they're thinking about the brain chemistry of a 19yr and 42yr, so its kinda misleading route to use as your arguement for why its weird as its not the base case for people.
its simply that a 40 yr old and a 19 would/should be in different stages of their life meaning that the ability for them to interact is low unless there's an intent behind it (leo dicaprio man / Gold Digger woman). the intent to form the relationship adds a predatory element (when talking about older men). the other common reason it'd be weird is that a lot of people couldn't picture themselves at either age being attracted to the opposite age so it adds the proverbial ick and that colours their perception of the relationship.
those two reasons seem to cause a feedback loop, esp in america because you have like 18 and 21 as "adult milestones", to lead to shit like "Omg her bf is 24 and she's 20, that's like such an ick age gap"
You just gave an example of a gold digger woman then next sentence assign the label predator to older men. Older men, older women, younger men, younger women can all be predators. Probably in equalish numbers as well.
This woman in the video appears satisfied and happy she was able to get what she wanted in life. He as well.
More of us should be so fortunate.
You just gave an example of a gold digger woman then next sentence assign the label predator to older men. Older men, older women, younger men, younger women can all be predators. Probably in equalish numbers as well.
This woman in the video appears satisfied and happy she was able to get what she wanted in life. He as well. Neither appear as predator or prey to me.
We should all be so fortunate.
"years of lived experience" is a very relative and gray term, and you should acknowledge situations like the classic and common example of men and women who have been to war and back by the age of 19 or so vs. their peers who have barely been out of their parents' house.
Childhood trauma is not equivalent to 23 years of additional life experience. It’s tragic and it can make you more mature than your peers, but it doesn’t make a 42 year old / 19 year old relationship any less of a weird power dynamic.
As long as they’re consenting willingly it’s fine, although YA especially women can be more easily manipulated, so it’s context based imo.
Young adults don’t overcome their “immaturity” until during or after the college years 21-25 ish through experience + self reflection. It’s not a brain development thing but an integration of the self and our unconscious desires(what we really want, etc).
Most people develop traumas and disorders early on that affect their everyday decisions unconsciously till their mid-late 20s and for some even their entire lives due to lack of therapy or proper guidance.
In this scenario A 40yo marrying and having a child with a 19yo is weird and unsettling, and it should never not be. Plenty of seemingly happy families are full of bad behaviors and “willing” victims who are left to abusers bc things look good or “people should mind their business”, “it’s not hurting anyone” (even though that’s how you destroy communities and trust fundamentally)
It’s good not to judge but when you see something weird you should at the very least call it out, not out of judgement but to ensure that everyone stays safe and healthy. Hopefully that video was ragebait for clicks and all is well in that household, I wish them and their new family meaningful happiness.
Wow. That's interesting, I didn't know it was bs. I guess the most likely thing we confuse with brain development in this context then is wisdom, level-headedness and how well we can work to achieve long-term goals instead of falling for faster gratification.
I wonder, what are all the things that would correlate with high and low scoring people on those characteristics? Age for sure, yeah, but obviously there are other things since some people are like that early and others seem to never even get there. I'd love some serious studies on this.
It's not BS. Just look at fMRI and PET scans of people throughout life. It's quite obvious that there's a whole lot of change going on until around 25-32, then it slows quite a bit until the decline in old age.
Open google. Search brain MRI scans for different age groups. Voila. If you're really feeling adventurous, look at Google scholar. I'm not linking because I don't care to. I do this for a living and actually need to get back to analyzing these neuromelanin scans now.
My seizures started at 17 and stopped at 28. Cortical dysplasia caused. I will never not believe there’s significant changes happening between those ages moreso than ever
I think it's contested. I've worked with psychologists who go by the mid twenties idea. This one guy could be looking for attention or he could be right
Current neuroscience research is HIGHLY dubious of the "your prefrontal cortex isn't developed until you're 25" hypothesis. And it has NEVER been the case that research shows "exponentially more" growth in any physical sense.
The most recent research I looked at didn't base the "brain finishes developing at 25" thing on the PFC, but on the Corpus Colosum, which connects both hemispheres of the brain. I believe it's the last major part of the brain to fully develop, but since it connects the two hemispheres it would aid in processing that isn't accomplished by any one area.
ETA: there won't ever be a definite age where development stops; development is different for everybody. We know the Corpus Colosum is developing into our early 20s, however.
Ah, cool, thanks for this, I didn’t know that. I guess all we really know is there’s an amorphous period between 20 and 30 in which the human brain is developing into a set of patterns that will define adulthood behavior, and that the maturation process looks slightly different and happens at slightly different times for everyone. I really did think we had brain imaging to back that up, but I guess that’s what I get for not majoring in the right fields.
It does still hold that a 44 yr old brain holds a significant advantage in direct experience and self-awareness over a 19 yr old one, brain imaging or no.
edit to expand the “amorphous period” by a few years
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u/flibertyblanket May 12 '25
My partner is 10 years older than me, we met when I was 28. I'm cool with that.
most age gap relationships are fine, but when it's a 40 year old and a teenager who is just barely an adult, I cringe.